The Week in Review

Down but not out....Crashed....singed....but not burn't......This is a summary of my musings......It began Tuesday night with the meeting with my therapist. Always look forward to the opportunity to share how I feel and think with others and usually leave my sessions feeling better than when I arrived. This particular evening there were alot of postives but did feel a bit "under seige" at times. Opening ones heart and soul to others is risky business and explaining our needs, desires, hurts and pain to others is always difficult. All people are limited in understanding, emphathy, and ability to relate.... Some new questions to ponder...some clarity......new challenges to face in future.....and....always some uncertainity....this is the path we all travel....but hope remains.......Wednesday night I met with my ex-wife to discuss a series of important matters. Expectations were high....I was hopeful....I had purpose.....Plans.....Confidence that resolutions could be reached...time had passed....healing had taken place....First hour went very good......and than......the floodgates of deep pain, rejection, and utter frustration returned.....I finally reached the end of my rope...I hit bottom.....had to abruptly excuse myself before I said something I knew I would regret later.....Left "dazed and confused" "Communication breakdown"....Led Zeppelin ringing in my ears......Experienced feeling of altered state of consciousness for the next forty five minutes or so.....Got home......called two friends.....no answers......called old buddy of mine......As I began to talk my voice began to crack....brief silence......than the weeping began.....Couldn't control my emotions.....didn't want to.....as the tears subsided and I began to regain control of my voice again my soul cried out....."I don't understand......nothing I try works.....none of this makes sense anymore.......I have lost all perspective"....It's great to have friends who really care and are willing to give us their time and support. We all need love. We all need to be comforted in our time of need. I don't know how many people make it in this world because I know so many people do not have the support they need. I am so greatful I that I do have people who care about me because I don't think I would be here today without the help and support of others. Without the love and support of others we are walking wounded.....we are skeletons roaming the earth only biding our time.....hoping we get a second chance....hoping there is an afterlife........Felt much better after talking with my friend. Decided to check some email. Turned on computer. It crashed....Various thoughts and emotions were travelling at light speed through my head from "somewhere"...destination unknown. Don't know if I can handle this latest series of events. People can only handle so much,despite what our "overly optimistic" various gurus espouse to the masses. The human heart can only handle so much pain and than it breaks....or stops.......I had crashed......my computer had crashed.....It was time to go to bed......I crashed between the soft egyptian cotton sheets of my bed. What does tommorrow hold???.......Woke up the next morning. Went to meet my carpool buddies to go to work. My friend asked how I was doing....My voice began to crack again....I refused to pretend and say that everything is fine. Once I regained my composure I told my story......Later that evening I called another old friend I had tried to reach the night before. His wife and him have worked for years with people in crisis. We all talked in a threeway conversation for a few minutes. Very therapeutic,cheaper, and more convenient than waiting till next week to see my shrink. Thank God for modern technology!!!..... Friends are good. Friends are a blessing..... Began to feel hopeful again.....began to gain perspective. Despair begans to fade back into the shadows. I know it will come back, always does, but hopefully it will give me a chance to regroup,make a few changes, and get some perspective. Look forward to the day when me and my shadows can just sit down and either chit chat or maybe even laugh about the good old days.....Friday......Feel like I am regrouping. The signs are all there. Starting to act crazy at work again. Running around taking pictures of Godzilla attacking Spongbob with my new digital camera. Colleagues must be glad to see me back to my old ways and I can hear them whisper behind my back...." Bilbo's is back, the universe is back in order"......for now.....Later that day.....Began taking action on making some changes regarding the events of the past few days. Called my ex-wife....apologized for leaving so abruptly. Began taking steps regarding another round of challenges that lie ahead between her and I. Intend to make some major changes. Am not particularly optimistic the changes will work. Just know that I can't continue business as usual......Time will tell......Lifes challenges involve the depths of our soul and the soul is a mystery in which we see only "faintly through a dark glass". She is unpredictable much of the time, which explains why we are and why all our Herculean efforts often don't work. She is beyond our understanding ...she cannot be tamed, quantified, or experimented on. She lives and roams in a dimension we do not understand and only have brief access to from time to time. We live in the city, she lives in the wilderness. We are city slickers. She is the mountain woman who prefers to live alone with no man. She lives in Asgard, Mount Olympus, and Heaven. We are creatures of the earth who from time to time catch a glimpse of her from her loftly palace when the clouds part only so briefly. ......Friday night......Back on line......Up till twelve installing Norton Virus package 2005. Play around on the computer for awhile. Hook up camera download pictures on computer. Not very good batch. Going to experiment some more tomorrow. Go outside. Do some outside stuff. Maybe post a couple of shots......Saturday morning. Feel back to normal. Just sitting here musing and blogging..and thinking......I've got a tough road ahead but right now life feels good and I am going to enjoy the moment before the shadows return.......Bilbo