Tuesday, February 22, 2005

This kind of love hurts

It's quiet tonight. So very quiet. ...Why does love hurt? Why is love so painful? ...and....why do some people feel threatened when you attempt to love them?...and.... why do some people reject the love you have to offer?....why? why? why?.......Over the next couple of weeks I have some very difficult decisions to make and no matter what I do I know some people are going to get hurt very deeply, including myself. For much of my life I have tried so hard not to hurt others but it has become increasingly clear to me over time that pain, emotional pain is unavoidable in this life. If this is true and I believe it is than what do we do? Do we simply not worry about hurting others? Do we stop trying?.....Do we simply become cynical about love?....Is it a folly to love?.....and what about loving ourselves in the process?.....I was taught for many years that to love is to sacrifice my needs and desires for the good of others. But what happens when one continues to neglect oneself deepest needs and desires for others, year after year? At some point doesn't one get to the point where self neglect reaches a point where one has little or no love to offer others?..... So where does one go from here? Yes love sometimes hurts and is painful but what are our options? To not love?....To hate?....To be indifferent?.....Love hurts because people who we have trusted and looked up to have hurt us? Why ? Probably because they too were hurt by someone in their past who they trusted. Sometimes love hurts because people do not know how to love. They think they are acting in love but they are not. The world is full of people who believe they know what love is but often do not...Just because you say you know what love is doesn't make it so. Also, just because you say you love someone also doesn't make it so. I often question my own understanding of love because I have apparently hurt so many people in my past?.....I have sometimes pondered what makes people feel loved. It's always been somewhat of a mystery to me and perhaps that's the point. Perhaps love is not always easy to understand, discern, or know. Perhaps it's a mysterious journey much like our lives, full of unpredictable twists and turns. ......I think the most painful aspect of love for me is knowing that for some people my love is not going to be enough and despite all my efforts they are still not going to feel loved and their pain is not going to go away. This kind of love hurts and it and it makes me feel so sad. I wish everyone felt loved and I wish all the emotional pain would just go away but since this is not part of the reality that any of us experience than all I can do is to hope and pray that we come to understand how to love others and ourselves and let us not grow weary or cynical as we do our best to love each other.....

2 comments:

David Blakeslee said...

Sheesh Bilbo, these thoughts are just so tender! It sounds like there is such strong feeling welling up in you from below the surface... I'll be remembering you in my prayers as you process through all these difficult decisions you mention, whatever they are about... Probably family stuff, I imagine.

Stay hopeful and strong, my friend.

Bilbo said...

Thanks Dave.....