Santana Live

Half Dome: Yosemite

Best film I've seen in a while

Entertainment Watch

The Oscars are coming up here soon and I confess I don't have any particular interest in who wins what this year. Been a downer year for me at the box office. Oh I have enjoyed most of the films I have seen this past year like the 3-d version of Polar Express or the Christmas block buster Aviator but none of the films I have seen so far this year has either rocked me emotionally or awed me like the Return of the King did last year. Guess I should of seen it coming after the back to back to back journey of the LOTR's came to an end last December. This year I am anticipating a couple of films this upcoming holiday season. King Kong and The Chronicles of Narnia are on my radar screen and am particulary interested to see if Jackson can come anywhere near the high expecations he has set up for himself with his world wide fan base. Personally I think he will come through. Kong was his favorite flick as a kid and he apparently has a strong emotional ties to the story which I expect to translate into the overall quality and production of the film. Jackson is a film fan favorite because he appears so passionate about what he does and he always seems to keep fan nerds like me in mind as he weaves his cinematic magic.....Although this past year wasn't a banner year for me personally regarding movies here are some films and a few concert DVD's that I did enjoy and would recommend.......Sideways.....My favorite film that I saw at the theatre this past year. Interesting characters all around and solid performances by everyone. Has a unique feel in terms of how they shot the film. Can't really explain the technical aspect of what I am trying to say other than it just looks different than most polished Hollywood productions. Very funny movie, yet realistic enough to relate to. Felt like I wasn't seeing a movie but rather felt more like a fly on the wall watching an interesting story unfold before my very eyes......Touching the Void.......This film did not technically come out this past year but I didn't see it until it made it made an appearance at an old restored downtown theatre where I live. Best film I have seen since the Return of the King and apparently many of the folks who saw the film with me thought so as well when the entire crowd gave the film a standing ovation at the end. Have since seen the film three other times after I bought it on DVD. It's an incredible human interest story which involves two British Climbers attempting to climb a peak in the Andes which has never been climbed before. It's an incredible story which ranks right up there with the Ernest Shackleton story. You don't have to be interested in mountains or rock climbing to appreciate this docudrama masterpiece. This film is a testament to the human spirit. ....on the documentary front.....PBS production of Ansel Adams......I was mesmerized by this one and half hour documentary which I believe was originally an American Experience production. Adams was one of the great photographers of our time and this program is a great primer for anyone interested in photography or the wonders of nature. Adams spent much of this life hiking and photographing Yosemite National Park and the Sierra Nevada's of California. His work is unique among nature photographers and I am convinced it will stand the test of time. One breathtaking shot after another. As with most artists Adams was a driven man and this production provides a peek into an interesting psychological world of obsessions, fears, and other human foibles. Buy it on DVD. It's well worth the twenty bucks if photography, a great biography, Yosemite, or nature is your cup of tea. This film inspired me to go out and buy a digital camera and pursue photography as a potential serious hobby......Music DVD's......Three I will briefly mention....Tori Amos Sunny Florida, Carlos Santana Sacred Fire, and Peter Gabriel's Play.....Amos packs an emotional punch.....Gabriel is absolutely electrifying and one of the creative genius' of modern rock, and Santana's live performance from Mexico City is a tremendous tribute to the integration of a wide variety of musical traditions. That's it for now. This is what we have been watching and listening to here in the Shire over the past six months or so........

God Help us to love

This kind of love hurts

It's quiet tonight. So very quiet. ...Why does love hurt? Why is love so painful? ...and....why do some people feel threatened when you attempt to love them?...and.... why do some people reject the love you have to offer?....why? why? why?.......Over the next couple of weeks I have some very difficult decisions to make and no matter what I do I know some people are going to get hurt very deeply, including myself. For much of my life I have tried so hard not to hurt others but it has become increasingly clear to me over time that pain, emotional pain is unavoidable in this life. If this is true and I believe it is than what do we do? Do we simply not worry about hurting others? Do we stop trying?.....Do we simply become cynical about love?....Is it a folly to love?.....and what about loving ourselves in the process?.....I was taught for many years that to love is to sacrifice my needs and desires for the good of others. But what happens when one continues to neglect oneself deepest needs and desires for others, year after year? At some point doesn't one get to the point where self neglect reaches a point where one has little or no love to offer others?..... So where does one go from here? Yes love sometimes hurts and is painful but what are our options? To not love?....To hate?....To be indifferent?.....Love hurts because people who we have trusted and looked up to have hurt us? Why ? Probably because they too were hurt by someone in their past who they trusted. Sometimes love hurts because people do not know how to love. They think they are acting in love but they are not. The world is full of people who believe they know what love is but often do not...Just because you say you know what love is doesn't make it so. Also, just because you say you love someone also doesn't make it so. I often question my own understanding of love because I have apparently hurt so many people in my past?.....I have sometimes pondered what makes people feel loved. It's always been somewhat of a mystery to me and perhaps that's the point. Perhaps love is not always easy to understand, discern, or know. Perhaps it's a mysterious journey much like our lives, full of unpredictable twists and turns. ......I think the most painful aspect of love for me is knowing that for some people my love is not going to be enough and despite all my efforts they are still not going to feel loved and their pain is not going to go away. This kind of love hurts and it and it makes me feel so sad. I wish everyone felt loved and I wish all the emotional pain would just go away but since this is not part of the reality that any of us experience than all I can do is to hope and pray that we come to understand how to love others and ourselves and let us not grow weary or cynical as we do our best to love each other.....

Only in California

The Local Yocals

The Hobbit Nation

Springtime in California

The Mighty Kern River

Thank God for Crazy People

The sun came out this afternoon and decided to head up to Kernville which is located next to Kern River and the outlet of Lake Isabella. It turned out to be a spectacular day. Best of the year. The grass is currently emerald green and the California Poppies are starting to bloom. It was Whiskey Flat week-end up at the lake and all the local yocals, mountain men, and their women were strutting their stuff today. Had a lot of fun, took some pictures and the clean air helped lift my spirits today. Thank God for mountains, lakes, rivers, and crazy people who are willing to live life....

The Lord is my shepherd

Light and Darkness

Darkness is here to stay.....but there is Hope.....

Woke up early this morning to the sound of rain. It was early, very early. Tried to go back to sleep but than it began raining in my head. Wouldn't stop. I guess it just goes to show how little control we actually have over our lives at times. Talked to myself for awhile....actually a long while. They say that sometimes talking to oneself is therapeutic. Helps bring about healing. Not sure. All I know is that it is cheaper than some of the alternatives....drugs.....harmful vices.....Wrote awhile in my journals. They say that writing can be therapeutic. Helps bring about healing. Not sure. Again.....all I know is that it is cheaper and less harmful than some of my vices and medication..... Poked my head outside and checked the weather this morning. It's dark and overcast. My plans to go to desert or mountains with my two sons may be dashed. It's quiet now. It has stopped raining in my head for the moment. All I hear is silence. No voices....no answers.....It's quiet..... Don't feel particularly anxious. Answers and formula's to life's problems are overated. Creates expectations and unmet expectations result in confusion and help to create a whole new set of questions. ....and....causes the rain to start up in my head again......Don't mind a bit of rain but too much rain can cause flooding. ...Used to go to great lengths to protect myself from the rain but these days I sometimes go out into the rain without a raincoat. I'ts not all that bad....really.....The feel of rain on your face. The rain on my glasses blurrs my vision but am beginning to question how much clarity do we really need. Been wearing bifocals for the past few years and can honestly report that my life really hasn't qualitatively improved. Don't intend to abandon the glasses because I realize and acknowledge that sometimes we need glasses to see where we are going.....but....sometimes.....glasses don't help much.....especially when it is pitch dark. In these moments all we can do is walk by faith. Faith is not certainity. Faith is based on hope. Hope is what I live by not certainity. Certainity is a myth. Hope is all we have.... certainity is what we create to protect ourselves from the darkness. But, certainity is no match for the darkness. Darkness will prevail....in time.....Darkness is not all there is.....Darkness has a twin brother and his name is light. Light is real....light is good.....and when light appears it is good to walk in the light....but light does not last forever.....eventually he gives way to his twin brother....Most of us prefer to walk in the light....but this is not always possible.....so perhaps we should accept the darkness. Darkness is here to stay....but so is light....they are brothers.....they are family......"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want......Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for thou art with me......this is hope and hope is all we have in this world......

Dark Beauty

It's Friday. It's cold...It's rainy....It's dreary...and....The storm clouds are building and more rain is headed this way...It's not only dark and dreary outside but it's equally dark on the inside as well... People hurt....and when the deep wounds of our soul are not healed than we are likely to spread our hurts to others and sometimes we are the recipients of the pain of others. It can't be avoided. We all get hurt and we all spread our hurt to others, especially those we love from time to time...something to ponder....why do we often associate cold and rain with being dreary? Is there not something beautiful to be found in the dark clouds and rain for those who have eyes to see?... Thomas Moore writes,"Just as the beauty of nature includes storms, droughts, and geological eruptions, so the beauty of a person includes emotional storminess, dry periods, and occasional explosions. To care for the soul in earnest, you have to learn to appreciate the dark elements a well as the light ones. As you come to appreciate your darkness, you may also understand that some of your lightness may be a defense against the dark. You may present a calm exterior, whereas your interior life is stormy and turbulent. You may not even allow yourself to confront your darkness.".... I have been hurt and I have been wounded and today I ponder. Where is the beauty in the darkness? Are not shadows dependent on light?...and....what would light be without darkness?......Two of my alltime favorite films are Schindler's List and Awakenings. Many people find these films either very sad and depressing or both. I won't argue. But there is beauty as well. Oscar Schindler is a selfish man, a womanizer, and someone who gains his wealth by exploiting others. Doctor Sayers is a recluse who apparenlty indulges only himself except when at work and someone who by his own admission is not very good with people and would rather avoid working with people at all if he had his choice...but...is there not beauty as well? Schindler saving so many Jews. Schindler encouraging the Nazi guards to go home to their families before the Allies arrive to liberate the camps. Doctor Sayers working diligently to find a cure for his patients. The slow dance scene at the end between Leonard and the young beautiful woman who grants Leonard no doubt his final hearts desire before he drifts back into the shadows from whence he was awakened.....Darkness and beauty....Two sides to the same coin?....Fraternal twins?....Co-dependents?.....Where there is darkness there is beauty......A prayer.....God help us to see beauty during the Dark Nights of our Souls. Help us to not lose hope....Help those who hurt us to forgive themselves.....and..... open our eyes and the windows of our souls so that we might experience and understand the beauty that is often hidden from sight when darkness is present.......

Soul Mates

Happy birthday mom

Today my mom is ninety years old. Last night my mom came into my room and posted a picture of herself on my mirror and told me she put it there so I wouldn't forget her. I'll never forget you mom and I post these pictures of you on your 90th birthday as a memorial to your memory and I will never forget the numerous sacrifices you have made to me, my life, and my family. Today's blog is dedicated to you....I love you.....Bilbo

90 years young today

Lighting the cake

Mom Blowing out the cake

My Mom with my two sons

The Week in Review

Down but not out....Crashed....singed....but not burn't......This is a summary of my musings......It began Tuesday night with the meeting with my therapist. Always look forward to the opportunity to share how I feel and think with others and usually leave my sessions feeling better than when I arrived. This particular evening there were alot of postives but did feel a bit "under seige" at times. Opening ones heart and soul to others is risky business and explaining our needs, desires, hurts and pain to others is always difficult. All people are limited in understanding, emphathy, and ability to relate.... Some new questions to ponder...some clarity......new challenges to face in future.....and....always some uncertainity....this is the path we all travel....but hope remains.......Wednesday night I met with my ex-wife to discuss a series of important matters. Expectations were high....I was hopeful....I had purpose.....Plans.....Confidence that resolutions could be reached...time had passed....healing had taken place....First hour went very good......and than......the floodgates of deep pain, rejection, and utter frustration returned.....I finally reached the end of my rope...I hit bottom.....had to abruptly excuse myself before I said something I knew I would regret later.....Left "dazed and confused" "Communication breakdown"....Led Zeppelin ringing in my ears......Experienced feeling of altered state of consciousness for the next forty five minutes or so.....Got home......called two friends.....no answers......called old buddy of mine......As I began to talk my voice began to crack....brief silence......than the weeping began.....Couldn't control my emotions.....didn't want to.....as the tears subsided and I began to regain control of my voice again my soul cried out....."I don't understand......nothing I try works.....none of this makes sense anymore.......I have lost all perspective"....It's great to have friends who really care and are willing to give us their time and support. We all need love. We all need to be comforted in our time of need. I don't know how many people make it in this world because I know so many people do not have the support they need. I am so greatful I that I do have people who care about me because I don't think I would be here today without the help and support of others. Without the love and support of others we are walking wounded.....we are skeletons roaming the earth only biding our time.....hoping we get a second chance....hoping there is an afterlife........Felt much better after talking with my friend. Decided to check some email. Turned on computer. It crashed....Various thoughts and emotions were travelling at light speed through my head from "somewhere"...destination unknown. Don't know if I can handle this latest series of events. People can only handle so much,despite what our "overly optimistic" various gurus espouse to the masses. The human heart can only handle so much pain and than it breaks....or stops.......I had crashed......my computer had crashed.....It was time to go to bed......I crashed between the soft egyptian cotton sheets of my bed. What does tommorrow hold???.......Woke up the next morning. Went to meet my carpool buddies to go to work. My friend asked how I was doing....My voice began to crack again....I refused to pretend and say that everything is fine. Once I regained my composure I told my story......Later that evening I called another old friend I had tried to reach the night before. His wife and him have worked for years with people in crisis. We all talked in a threeway conversation for a few minutes. Very therapeutic,cheaper, and more convenient than waiting till next week to see my shrink. Thank God for modern technology!!!..... Friends are good. Friends are a blessing..... Began to feel hopeful again.....began to gain perspective. Despair begans to fade back into the shadows. I know it will come back, always does, but hopefully it will give me a chance to regroup,make a few changes, and get some perspective. Look forward to the day when me and my shadows can just sit down and either chit chat or maybe even laugh about the good old days.....Friday......Feel like I am regrouping. The signs are all there. Starting to act crazy at work again. Running around taking pictures of Godzilla attacking Spongbob with my new digital camera. Colleagues must be glad to see me back to my old ways and I can hear them whisper behind my back...." Bilbo's is back, the universe is back in order"......for now.....Later that day.....Began taking action on making some changes regarding the events of the past few days. Called my ex-wife....apologized for leaving so abruptly. Began taking steps regarding another round of challenges that lie ahead between her and I. Intend to make some major changes. Am not particularly optimistic the changes will work. Just know that I can't continue business as usual......Time will tell......Lifes challenges involve the depths of our soul and the soul is a mystery in which we see only "faintly through a dark glass". She is unpredictable much of the time, which explains why we are and why all our Herculean efforts often don't work. She is beyond our understanding ...she cannot be tamed, quantified, or experimented on. She lives and roams in a dimension we do not understand and only have brief access to from time to time. We live in the city, she lives in the wilderness. We are city slickers. She is the mountain woman who prefers to live alone with no man. She lives in Asgard, Mount Olympus, and Heaven. We are creatures of the earth who from time to time catch a glimpse of her from her loftly palace when the clouds part only so briefly. ......Friday night......Back on line......Up till twelve installing Norton Virus package 2005. Play around on the computer for awhile. Hook up camera download pictures on computer. Not very good batch. Going to experiment some more tomorrow. Go outside. Do some outside stuff. Maybe post a couple of shots......Saturday morning. Feel back to normal. Just sitting here musing and blogging..and thinking......I've got a tough road ahead but right now life feels good and I am going to enjoy the moment before the shadows return.......Bilbo

The Week in Pictures

Before I engage in my latest musings, thoughts, and feelings, I thought I would try to express the various emotions I have felt this week through a series of pictures that are posted below and this is my initial attempt to capture and reflect as best I can what I have experienced and felt over the past five days.......Bilbo

Saturday Morning: I'm Back

Friday Evening: Singed but not burn't

Friday Afternoon: Gaining my strength back

Thursday Night: Feeling Hopeful Again

Thursday: Struggling with my Shadows

Late Wednesday Night: Computer Crash

Wednesday Night: Big Tears

Tuesday Night: The Storm begans

Thanks Julie for Photobucket

What a Day.....

Just completed quite a productive day. Got alot more done than I ever dreamed of. Figured out how to use my camera and many of the features of the photo shop. Even figured out how to crop a picture of myself and send it back to my blog. It helped that I was off work today and totally uninterupted. A couple of more days like this and I'll be ready to apply at National Geographic. Really look forward to experimenting with my camera in the weeks and months to come. I intend to travel quite a bit once the weather warms and I'll bring back a stack of pictures from the California mountains and beaches.... Just hope the Picasa/Hello program holds up. Got shut down twice last week for some reason I don't understand....Off to bed now. Been up since before five o'clock this morning and I'll be ready to crash anytime soon......

The Show's over for now

Now you know why I have adopted the nickname Bilbo. Time to take a break and try to figure out how to print my pictures. Will be back later with more pictures from Bilbo's World. Maybe some pictures of my mom and work and anything else my imagination can conjure up........

Friends of Bilbo 

Bilbo's World 

One of Bilbo's Pets 

The Grand New Experiment

I got up at five o'clock this morning and started playing with my new digital camera and after about a half an hour I never thought I would get to the point where I would be able to publish anything on my blog anytime soon but somehow, someway, I was able to publish what is sure to be the first of many pictures using my new camera.....My lack of confidence is due to the fact that this is my first digital camera and let's just say I don't learn very well reading from manuals. I'm a hand's on kind of guy. To complicate matters more, this is not a simple camera. It's one of those expensive digital camera's with a lot of bells and whistles and multiple functions. I probably should have started out with something more simple but a good friend suggested I buy one that has alot of future potential because he knew how passionate I am regarding website designs and artistic endevors in general....anyway....expect to see more images in the hours, days, and weeks to come as I continue this grand new experiment....Bilbo

Bilbo's first digital pic 

Bilbo in Action 

Dragonslayer: A poem by Bilbo

Let me begin by saying I can't believe I wrote this poem. I don't read poems for the most part and have trouble concentrating when I do try to read poems unless it is in the form of musical lyrics....This is the first poem I can remember writing since I wrote one of those Japanese poems back in gradeschool. If you do read this poem please be gracious, otherwise I may not write another poem for 30 years!....

Dragonslayer, dragonslayer, where have you gone?
Dragonslayer,dragonslayer, please don't leave me alone.
Dragonslayer, dragonslayer, tell me your'e not a myth,
Dragonslayer, dragonslayer, your'e the one I want to be with.
Dragonslayer, dragonslayer I've looked for you high and lo,
Dragonslayer, dragonslayer where did you go?
Dragonslayer, dragonslayer please come out to play,
Dragonslayer, dragonslayer, I need you today.
Dragonslayer, dragonslayer, why do you not answer my pleas?
Dragonslayer, dragonslayer please say something to me?

The Dragonslayer Speaks

Listen to me now and take courage my friend,
The dragons you face will not result in your end.
Dragons can be freighting but don't feel ashamed
Be encouraged because they can be tamed.
Now here's a litte secret you need to know,
Dragonslayers cannot deliver a death blow.
Because....Dragons never completely die,
And that's the truth and not a lie.
So don't worry about killing the foul mouthed beast,
Do what you can and than make yourself a feast.
And always remember till the end of your days,
Love and the Dragonslayer are never far away.

 

Bilbo's New Toy

Finally got around to buying myself a new toy today, a Canon Power Shot S1 IS Digital Camera. It's got a 10X optimal zoom and 3.2 megapixels. Would have bought a digital camera much sooner but I just hate having to learn how to use one more gadget. I'm sure I'll probably get as frustrated as hell over the next couple of weeks trying to figure out all the bells and whistles but in the long run I am sure I will learn to love my new toy because it will greatly expand my visual repertoire capabilities on my website and my blog. Eventually I want to create a visual cyberspace memory of my trips, friends and family and this should do the trick. Havn't opened the box yet and probably won't for a couple of days because once I open the box I know I'll need a block of time to get aquainted with my new toy.....Bilbo

Bruce Cockburn
 

Pacing the Cage

Sunset is an angel weeping
Holding out a bloody sword
No matter how I squint I cannot
Make out what it's pointing toward
Sometimes you feel like you've lived too long
Days drip slowly on the page
You catch yourself
Pasing the cage
I've proven who I am so many times
The magnetic strip's worn thin
And each time I was someone else
And everyone was taken in
Powers chatter in high places
Stir up eddies in the dust of rage
Set me to pacing the cage
I never knew what you all wanted
So I gave you everything
All that I could pillage
All the spells that I could sing
It's as if the thing were written
In the constitution of the age
Sooner or later you'll wind up
Pacing the cage
Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can't see what's round the bend
Sometimes the road leads through dark places
Sometimes the darkness is your friend
Today these eyes scan bleached-out land
For the coming of the outbound stage
Pacing the cage
Pacing the cage

Bruce Cockburn

Love casteth out all fear 

Musings on fear and love

Somewhere in the Bible it says that love casts out all fear. But what is love? The Bible is not silent. Paul states that love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things...The Bible also states repeatedly in many different ways and places that God loves us and the whole world which I interpret to mean everybody. If all of these things are true and clearly stated in so many places than why do so many Christians live in fear in so many aspects of their lives???....This is not a theorectical question to me because the shadow of fear has always haunted my soul since I can remember and I ask why? No answer will satisfy everyone's soul and there is always an element of mystery when it comes to the deep matters of the heart. As I ponder the mystery of why Christians and all people entertain fear from time to time I can't escape the importance of experience. When we lack the experience of love in our lives than fear will take up residence in our hearts because fear's presence and power is restricted and limited by the abundunce of love. That is, if a person does not experience patience, kindness, and patience from others and if we do not grow up in a family who believes in us, or bears all things or endures our shortcomings and pain than fear will take root in our hearts....Over the years I have had numerous conversations with the shadow of fear that has taken up residency in my own heart and have seen and experienced the shadow of fear in the people in my life and I have noticed a pattern. When love is absent or minimal the shadow of fear usually roams as he pleases from room to room but where love abounds fear is restricted because love is always the master and fear the slave when the two are present in the same heart.....Does this mean that we all are bound to our past?...Limited yes, but fortunately not bound. We are bound to a large degree by our past and present experiences but fortunately for us love is not limited or restricted to a particular place or person. While my home life growing up was not filled with much love in many aspects I was fortunate to experience love from beyond my immediate family environment and for that I am eternally grateful.....The perfect antidote.... Jesus told us to love our neighbor and to the degree we love one another than love abounds and the shadow of fear becomes a faint background presence that we hardly notice....So let us love one another in what we do and than love will abound and fear will be cast aside....Bilbo

Emotions 

Making the Best of it all

Ever have one of those days when your soul stirs up emotions and images that you had either forgotten or didn't even know still existed?...Had one of those days.....I won't go into the details because I want to maintain some sense of privacy but lets just say I felt the ground shake today. Stuff piling up. Emotions asking for their due.... Emotions can be repressed....but....only for so long...eventually they will demand their due...and when they do.....you better pay up....or you may pay a steep price later....Today I decided to give my emotions their due. Even payed homage to fear which is an emotion I usually prefer to ask to come back another day. Don't know what all this means....if anything...but was reminded that "there is only the present, there is only what is at hand".....Also was reminded...."Let the feelings rise....feel it....And when it begans to hurt, don't move to action to remove it....particularly at all cost....if you learn to stay with your feelings, particularly the nasty ones...they will pass without your needing to act....easier said than done...painful feelings are difficult to face and we'd rather not feel them if at all possible. So we get busy. We substitute action for contemplation"....In the end I survived another day. Even found time to be productive today which often can be very difficult under such stressful circumstances. Even found time for my daily hike and running errands and cooked myself a pretty damn good meal if I may say so myself. Nothing has been resolved but not feeling too bad at the present and feel like maybe me and my"shadow of fear" that has always stalked me are learning to get along. Don't expect us to ever become bosom buddies but who knows maybe we can learn to co-exist together. Would settle for co-existence. Figure he's been landlord long enough. He may not like but he may not have any other choice considering I have gradually figured out some of his tricks... I guess one of the hardest parts about dealing with fear is the unpredictability of it all. He's a rude guest. Never knocks. Doesn't call before he comes over and never asks for permission to come. Just bullies his way through the front door.... it appears we may have to accept him as he is because it doesn't appear he is ever going to change....for nobody.....it's his nature....he wouldn't be fear otherwise....so I guess maybe it's time to just pull up a chair next to him and make the best of it all....don't see any other options...do you?.....have tried kicking him out of the house time and time again but he keeps coming back....If you have a better proposal, I'm all ears.......Bilbo