Living and submitting to emotional blackmail on a regular basis is destructive to both the blackmailer and the individual under the spell of the blackmailer. Responding and attempting to break the spell will be challenging and may lead to short term escalation particularly if one has repeatedly defered to the blackmailer over a period of time. Attempts to resist the demands of the blackmailer will be challenging because the blackmailer will no doubt initially respond by getting angry and resorting to increased heavy handed tactics in an attempt to control the situation....and....when the blackmailer is a family member it can be an ongoing challenge because there are no guarantees the blackmailer is going to change no matter what you do. People who regularly use blackmail tactics of manipulation need psychological/spiritual help because their need to control others through coercion is generally associated with insecurities,fears, and a past which includes individuals who blackmailed and manipulated them. These are learned behaviors which are modeled by family, friends, peers, spouses, and unfortunately many of our institutions which makes breaking the spell the more challenging. While we cannot change others no matter what we do there are some things one can do to preserve one's own dignity and peace of mind. Dealing with blackmailers may require professional help, especially if the blackmailer is a spouse, parent, or someone we rub shoulders with on a regular basis. Generally I am not a formula, 12 steps this or that kinda of guy, but here are some things to remember and experiment with if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who regularly attempts to manipulate, coerce, and pressure you into doing what they need or want.....

Tips to counter emotional blackmail

1. One needs to share there own needs and wants and this is not emotional blackmail. I mention this because a person who is attempting to blackmail you may try to confuse you by asserting you are being selfish or manipulative. It is only manipulative if you are attempting to impose your own needs/wants above others considerations. Relationships are a balancing act which requires all participants to compromise, sacrifice, and listen to and consider the needs of others. One sided relationships lead to resentment, burn out, and co-dependency.

2. If you are feeling pressured by a blackmailer use some of the following time buying statements in order to collect your thoughts and figure out what you want/need to do. If one has a history of defering to the pressure tactics of others it may require time to think about how you want to handle the situation. You can say the following:

A. I don't have an answer right now. I'll get back to you later.

B. Let me think about it.

C. Let's discuss this later. I am not ready to make a decision now.

By saying you need time you've shifted the balance of power in the relationship and put the blackmailer in position of waiting to see what you are going to do. Of course this doesn't apply to a situation where an immmediate answer is needed but this can be helpful when faced with critically important decisions. If the individual who is pressuring you doesn't respect your request you can gently or forcefully remind them you do not respond to pressure tactics. If they continue to press on you may need to hang up the phone or walk away and let them know why you are walking away. If they realize the connection between walking away and their manipulative tactics they "may" be back off next time...but...it also may escalate..but...if it does you may just need to cut off further contact for awhile.

3. "Give yourself permission to say, I don't want to or I don't feel like it without feeling that you have to give a justification or an elaborate explanation" Blackmailers may pressure you to justify your decision in an effort to question your character or attack your justifications but one does not need to justify anything to those who have no genuine interest in listening and taking seriously your needs and desires. Stand your ground...

4. If the situation with the blackmailer continues to escalate or you become extremely anxious you may want to consider writing a letter to express yourself. When we are very anxious we tend to forget what to say and do and are easy targets for the pressure tactics of a blackmailer. Don't feel guilty or beat yourself having to resort to such measures. Blackmailers have to take responsibility for their own actions particularly when it comes to the manipulative tactics they use therefore one does not need to blame oneself for the actions of the blackmailer. Think of it as a graceful means to a problem you did not create.

5. "Stand up for the small issues, at least, from time to time because it will give you an opportunity to develop skills you need to hold fast when the stakes are higher."

6. Standing up for oneself does not mean that you get defensive and make counterattacks, assertions, demands, character assinations, and resort to the manipulative tactics of the blackmailer because it will only provide fuel for the fire.

7. Do not feel the need to defend or explain your decisions or yourself in response to pressure....unless....you think or have reason to believe the individual sincerely is interested in knowing what you think or feel...because...blackmailers generally are primarily looking for any avenue to further coerce you and the more information you provide the more opportunities are given for manipulation.

8. When you have an important discussion with someone you find manipulative or difficult don't do it when you are tired...and...be sure to pick a place where you both might feel equally comfortable and at ease. "Remember...turf has energy"....

9. Don't expect blackmailers who use silence to take the first step to resolve conflict, or any step for that matter. You may have to keep after them, in a non manipulative way, of course, otherwise they tend to withdraw even more.

10. Remember you are dealing with people who most likely feel less adequate and powerless than you and may actually be afraid of you. Never refer to them as blackmailers or any other derogative label. They are human beings just like the rest of the human race and respect their own needs and wants and "try" to work with them unless they choose to resort to scorched earth psychological warfare which at that point you may need to remind them that this approach will not work with you, now or forever.

11. Try to enlist the blackmailer as an ally by asking for their opinion and suggestions to solve the impasse you currently face...and...solicit them for proposals. "Try" to barter and look for win, win situations, if possible, and other creative alternative solutions to problems.

12. Apologize, if and when, you allow yourself to resort to the level of the blackmailer. Try to model and live by the priniciple of non manipulation that you hold to. Don't make excuses or justify when you make miskakes.

13. Remind yourself that you have the right to feel, think, and behave differently than the blackmailer....and....you don't need to apologize for having different feelings, etc. because we all have different pasts, needs, wants, passions, and desires. Welcome to the nature of the human race.....