Latest news, contemplations, and ponderings

Am in a real funky mood right now. My mom had a stroke a just a couple of days ago and can't help wondering if this may be the final days of her life. The stroke wasn't a major one but she is 92 years old and apparently she has other complications as well. I'll know more in the next week but am intending to take a trip up north to see her soon..... My current and future living situation is up in the air right now because my two sons may come to live with me so all my summer plans are currently in a holding pattern but do suspect some big changes are on the way. Change is always challenging, potentially unsettling or ripe for new learning and personal growth opportunities. I need to continually remind myself that life is an adventure, journey, and new opportunities for postitive transformation for myself and others involved in my life but transformation seems to never occur without some personal discomfort or sometimes significant sacrifice or pain. Just the reality of life. Intellectually it's easy to understand but existentially it is generally difficult to accept and embrace unless you are one of those buddha types which I am not. I confess I really struggle with making big decisions and major life changes. Not sure all the reasons why. Not particularly self confident, at times, especially when the stakes are potentially high or don't feel a strong push in one particular direction. I suspect my past demons come into play here because I wasn't particularly encouraged by family or my religious subculture to trust my own feelings and intellectual abilities and to this day I feel like I am on a roller coaster when faced with pontential life changing decisions. Just hard to trust myself and my abilities at times if you know what I mean. Sometimes I just want to flip a coin or throw myself to the fate of the gods because the echo of silence seems to be a constant companion who never leaves my side......
I am hoping I can settle down a bit on the homefront sooner than later. Life is such a paradox at times. I have been working at the same job for the past 19 years and feel as comfortable and confident as I imagine a person can feel but on the homefront things have been in a real flux for the past seven years and counting. Don't know how much good it does to ponder such paradoxes because the answers are often allusive, pontentially unsettling, or just too complex. Life is messy at times and never ever totally settling for anyone for any extended period of time. Just seems to be the reality of living in the modern world but do suspect life was just as unsettling for our ancestors who were at the mercy of mother nature, powerful kings, religious institutions, or marauding Ghengis Kahn types who apparently didn't want to give up the sword and fighting for a more peaceful co-existence and truce with mother nature and their neighbors.......So where does that leave us, me, and you? We can take the bull by the horns and attempt to radically change our circumstances in hope of a better outcome.....We can passively set by, do nothing, and hope the gods rescue or show favor upon us......or....or.....too many choices....too many potential outcomes that I cannot predict....Why aren't things more clear and self evident? God give me and us a sign.....on second thought......I think I'll just take it one day at a time. This may sound like a cliche, and it is, but sometimes cliches may be all we have to hang onto......