Friday, June 02, 2006

Latest news, contemplations, and ponderings

Am in a real funky mood right now. My mom had a stroke a just a couple of days ago and can't help wondering if this may be the final days of her life. The stroke wasn't a major one but she is 92 years old and apparently she has other complications as well. I'll know more in the next week but am intending to take a trip up north to see her soon..... My current and future living situation is up in the air right now because my two sons may come to live with me so all my summer plans are currently in a holding pattern but do suspect some big changes are on the way. Change is always challenging, potentially unsettling or ripe for new learning and personal growth opportunities. I need to continually remind myself that life is an adventure, journey, and new opportunities for postitive transformation for myself and others involved in my life but transformation seems to never occur without some personal discomfort or sometimes significant sacrifice or pain. Just the reality of life. Intellectually it's easy to understand but existentially it is generally difficult to accept and embrace unless you are one of those buddha types which I am not. I confess I really struggle with making big decisions and major life changes. Not sure all the reasons why. Not particularly self confident, at times, especially when the stakes are potentially high or don't feel a strong push in one particular direction. I suspect my past demons come into play here because I wasn't particularly encouraged by family or my religious subculture to trust my own feelings and intellectual abilities and to this day I feel like I am on a roller coaster when faced with pontential life changing decisions. Just hard to trust myself and my abilities at times if you know what I mean. Sometimes I just want to flip a coin or throw myself to the fate of the gods because the echo of silence seems to be a constant companion who never leaves my side......
I am hoping I can settle down a bit on the homefront sooner than later. Life is such a paradox at times. I have been working at the same job for the past 19 years and feel as comfortable and confident as I imagine a person can feel but on the homefront things have been in a real flux for the past seven years and counting. Don't know how much good it does to ponder such paradoxes because the answers are often allusive, pontentially unsettling, or just too complex. Life is messy at times and never ever totally settling for anyone for any extended period of time. Just seems to be the reality of living in the modern world but do suspect life was just as unsettling for our ancestors who were at the mercy of mother nature, powerful kings, religious institutions, or marauding Ghengis Kahn types who apparently didn't want to give up the sword and fighting for a more peaceful co-existence and truce with mother nature and their neighbors.......So where does that leave us, me, and you? We can take the bull by the horns and attempt to radically change our circumstances in hope of a better outcome.....We can passively set by, do nothing, and hope the gods rescue or show favor upon us......or....or.....too many choices....too many potential outcomes that I cannot predict....Why aren't things more clear and self evident? God give me and us a sign.....on second thought......I think I'll just take it one day at a time. This may sound like a cliche, and it is, but sometimes cliches may be all we have to hang onto......

2 comments:

Dave said...

Bilbo, I'm sorry to hear about your mom's stroke. I wish you all peace and grace as you travel up to see her, and may those moments be good ones for everyone present. I just got done blogging about some irritations that I'm dealing with (my computer, mainly) but you look to have beaten me in that department, not even close. My life also has its complications but it does sound like you have some serious uncertainty and sorting out to do once the dust settles a bit.

I don't know how much you want to go into it here re: your sons moving in with you, but it sure reminds me of the summer that I decided on a whim to move in with my dad and away from my mom and (newly acquired) step-dad. It was probably around the same age as your boys are now (the summer I turned 16) - maybe away from the blog we can discuss this some more if you have any interest in that! Anyway, I gotta go get productive now but wanted to let you know that your plight registers with me and I'm feelin' ya, dude!

Bilbo said...

Hi Dave,

My mom is doing better and her speech has returned. Since she is doing better I may not go see her for a couple of weeks or as soon as I can get away....I would like to at least share a cliff note version of what is happening with my two sons but I am not sure what email adress you currently are using, so, if you could contact me at my email adress I'll bring you up to speed....sorry to hear about your computer problems. Doesn't it make you just want to go back to the middle ages when life was simple, peaceful, and less stressful....nah....