1998 was a very difficult year for me. My marriage went south and so did my 25 year relationship with the Evangelical subculture. My wife and I had struggled on and off for years and I still do not understand all the reasons why the bottom dropped out when it did, but it did. I also decided to stop attending church that year. I never left the church with the intention of staying away forever but I don't suspect I will probably ever return because I acknowledge I just don't fit in with the subculture anymore, I felt abandoned by the church during my divorce, and to be brutally honest, I really don't miss it. Oh, I do miss some of the relationships and the teaching and ministry opportunities but I really don't miss being subjected to a process that seems to emphasize conformity and exclusion. Don't intend to imply that others should jump ship like I have because I understand and acknowledge there are "many" reasons to hang in there and be a part of an institution bit I am at peace with the decision I have made and I really don't think God is angry or disappointed in the direction I have taken.... Sometimes a man just has to do what he has to do.... I also believe there is an important psychological angle to my decision to leave the Evangelical subculture. As my views and perspective changed over the years I felt increasingly alienated and marginalized and I have since become aware through years of therapy that I struggle with the fear of rejection and abandonment and these personal issues were being triggered big time the longer I remained and tried to fit in. It just wasn't going to work.....back to my marriage situation....My marriage situation continued to get worse and in the summer of 2002 my wife and I seperated and I moved in with my mother. We divorced about a year later....So, where was God in all of this? Some might want to assert or suggest that my exploration and ongoing flirtation with heretical/out of the box perspectives "caused" the breakup of my marriage and my self imposed exile from the Evangelical subculture...but...I really don't think so. I could write a whole chapter on how I feel I was mistreated by both my wife and the Christian subculture during this time of my life but I really don't think it would serve any positive purpose. What is done is done...bottom line...Alot of mistakes were made by everyone and the fears, insecurities, and inability to cope with the accumulation of continued hurt,unfufilled expectations, and unmet needs were just too overwhelming....

My spiritual condition and state of mind....

Spiritually I did not feel that the meltdown of my marriage and my estrangment from my religious roots had much effect on my relationship with God or my own perception of my spiritual condition, of course, others might disagree. During this most difficult time in my life some suggested I had gone off the deep end and created a god in my own image, while others interpreted my situation as a classic case of backslidding...and...a few even suggested I was never a Christian to begin with!...I guess the latter suggestion is possible but if it was, I propose I did one hell of a job fooling a lot of people for over 25 years and that should be worth something, eh?
I suppose I didn't have a spiritual meltdown or crisis of faith because I have learned over the years to not allow myself to be defined by others, especially when it comes to my religious identity. People can call me a backslider, heretic, or worse but these are human constructs that have been used to marginilize those who don't see the world as we do for thousands of years and we can choose to not accept the labels...and....I have chosen to not accept these labels....Well, I am almost finished. I have one more chapter to write and hopefully I will get it written before I leave town again.