Healing through the dark emotion of despair

"Despair…..is the only cure for illusion. Without despair we cannot transfer our allegiance to reality….it’s a kind of mourning period for our fantasies. Some people do not survive this despair, but no major change within a person can occur without it."
Philip Slater, Earthwalk


Shortly after I separated from my ex- wife almost three years ago my counselor asked me if I felt depressed and I replied I don’t think so. I told her that I felt very sad about what had happened between the two of us but I don’t think I am depressed because I don’t feel depressed. At the time I was being honest and I based my answer on my own stereotype of what depressed people look like and do. When I think of depressed people I think of people who exhibit some of the following symptoms. They don’t or won t get out of bed in the morning. They medicate themselves with prescription drugs or alcohol, etc. They are sad looking most of the time. They lack motivation. They are isolated individuals who have little or no social contact, etc.etc.…..and….. since I didn’t exhibit any of these characteristics I concluded I must not be a depressed individual…….fast forward to the present…..I have since learned that if a person doesn’t “feel” a particular emotion it is probably because the individual has learned to suppress that particular emotion in an effort to protect oneself for some particular reason. For example, anger is a normal emotion that most people exhibit on a regular basis yet I seldom ever get angry and I almost never exhibit anger publicly or in my interpersonal relationships with others despite the fact I often have good reason to do so. As I have pondered this over time I now suspect I know why. Over the years people have expressed their anger and disappointment with me for this and that and I have always interpreted their anger as rejection and thus over the years I have always associated anger with rejection. Rejection is an emotion I am familiar with and thus I don’t express my anger towards others, even when it might be justified, because I don’t want others to feel rejected because I know all too well how “bad” this emotion feels, therefore, over the years I have repressed anger whenever it has attempted to rear it’s ugly head. Of course, in the process I have suppressed the positive aspects of anger which help protect us when we are threatened by others or life’s circumstances.

Back to despair, depression…..Like anger, over the years I have suppressed my feelings of despair and thus have not allowed myself to ever feel depressed for any great period of time. At this point I am not sure all the reasons why I have done so. May just be a simple case of living in a society where we are all socialized to not express depression or despair, at least for any prolonged length of time. Reminds me of the advise I got from everyone when I first got divorced. Nobody suggested I take time to grieve the great loss that had just occurred in my life. Instead, everyone exhorted me it was time to move on and forget the past and get on with rebuilding your life. The only problem is that if one continues to suppress one’s emotions those emotions will probably cry out for attention and resolution later on down the road…..and…..if one continues to suppress the normal range of human emotions year after year one will probably end up a somewhat stunted emotional individual who will struggle in interpersonal relationships and most likely will have a difficult time connecting with others on an emotional level.

At this time I really don’t have anything more to say or add about despair because I am in the middle of processing things and allowing myself to feel the grief and despair for the various losses in my life over the years. I’ll leave with some quotes from Miriam Greenspan’s excellent book, Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair…..These quotes are taken from her chapter entitled From Despair to Faith….

“Despite its bad reputation and the sense of shame associated with it, despair is a legitimate and eminently human emotion”

“Just as fear is equated with cowardice, despair is often seen as a profound failure of character, will, spirit, and faith….which….I believe is one reason we currently prefer to see despair as a medical condition. In a culture that condemns despair, it’s hard to look at this emotion in a way that honors its dignity, power, and wisdom. Viewing it as an illness beyond our control, we don’t have to feel to blame for it. This lessons despair’s stigma and gives us some hope”

“Despair asks us to make meaning out of apparent meaningless: to grieve our unmourned losses: to examine the unexamined life; to legitimate our anger at the world; to struggle out of the cocoon and be reborn. It is a harsh and demanding taskmaster. It insists that we stop with business as usual, pause from the daily routines of our lives, reflect on the meaning of our existence. The voice of despair says: Go deeper. It’s a voice that can barely be heard above the din of the world, which impels us: Go faster, go further, go,go,go…..despair asks us to slow down, take our time, be still. Sometimes, it compels us to stop everything in order to painstakingly remap our world”

“Time and again, I have seen how being truly loved and appreciated by just one person, even in the wake of catastrophic trauma or neglect, can make all the difference in someone’s ability to get through despair and to heal brokenness of body, heart, and spirit”

“None of us can be altogether cured of the pain of life or of feeling despair or other dark emotions from time to time….but…we can find a way to live fully and wisely.”

“When a flower opens, it opens equally to sun and rain”

“Young, and old, men and women, rich and poor: Despair afflicts all manner of people”