Haven’t written much lately regarding what I am thinking or feeling so I thought I would take the time to express what is on my heart and mind regarding myself and my general state of affairs…If there is one adjective/word to describe my state of mind/emotions the last week or so it would be “perplexity”. The dictionary defines the word perplex as a state of uncertainty.
When I look at my circumstances on a number of different fronts it seems to me that just about anyone in my shoes would probably feel the same way. I have learned from my ongoing “intellectual state of uncertainty” for years now that uncertainty need not be something to fear or be anxious about, however, I believe ongoing living conditions,work related, and interpersonal relationship perplexity is a far greater challenge than philosophical/theological uncertainty because the consequences and effects are physical as well as emotional. Or to put it simply, it’s one thing to be uncertain about whether the Red Sea ever literally parted and the Jews walked safely to the other side while it’s quite another thing to know where you are going to rest your head tonight and live for the near future. Over the years I have learned to accept intellectual philosophical/theological uncertainty, in large part, because deep down I do believe in a benevolent creator who is going to be loving and fair with us all, in the end…and….while I acknowledge that philosophy/theology has some very important implications regarding ethics, lifestyle choices, and emotional state of mind I also find much of the discussions and debates “a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing.”
As I ponder my current state of affairs and psychological state of mind I find myself drawn back to a book I read last year called Timeshifting by Stephan Rechtschaffen. “There is only the present. There is only what is at hand.”...”For if we too anticipate what’s to come, then we often ignore what’s actually here”…”What I fear most about stress is not that it kills, but that it prevents one from savoring life”…and finally…”We can choose to create a slower rhythm that will allow us the time to feel and sense and enjoy the ordinary or we can choose to be in sync with the faster rhythm’s of the world around us”…My summer vacation away from work started last Friday and I initially was hoping to get away for a few days but I was unable to do so because I had to go pick up my mom and begin taking care of her for the next three weeks while my aunt who is currently the primary caretaker goes to Russia and Eastern Europe for a well deserved vacation. Initially I wasn’t too happy about not getting away myself for a few days but I am gradually settling into spending some valuable time with my mom here at the house listening to country music, taking her for walks, administering her medicine and listening to her talk about the past. I don’t have anything planned for the next three weeks except to hang around the house but I am no longer feeling anxious about my situation because I am reminded “there is only the present, there is only that which is at hand” and deep down inside I know that learning to live in the present is one of the most rewarding and important gifts of life… In the meantime my perplex living situation on numerous fronts will remain unresolved but that’s O.K., if I can learn to live in the present which is something I find most challenging at times…
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Thanks for the "peek inside" of what you're thinking and working through. I find the thought of three weeks off of work to be almost unimaginable, even if I had to spend it tending to an elderly parent, so "count your blessings" dude! :o) And yeah, living in the moment makes plenty of sense when you think about it.
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