Love is in the air

Over the past seven years I have been in the wilderness regarding my relationships with the "daughters of Eve". I went through a very difficult divorce and after years of marriage and individual counseling I was beginning to feel like I and the relationship department were a lost cause....but....tonight for the first time in a long, long, time I feel like I can finally see the light again after spending years wandering in the Mines of Moria. I can't go into details because of privacy issues but lets just say a major breakthrough occured in the communication and understanding department over the past 48 hours. At this time I am not predicting wedding bells or anything but I have arrived at a point of deep satisfaction regarding a relationship I am currently involved in....and.....for the first time in a long time I feel loved, wanted, and understood which I consider the "real gifts of the gods". I think one of the biggest mistakes in our society today regarding relationships is that getting married has become the goal or the ideal for people who are not married and want to get married. But, IMHO, marriage should not be the goal but rather the by product of a relationship built on mutual love, understanding, intimacy, and willingless to be vulnerable. I may sound like I am splitting hairs here a bit but I really do think we often put the horse before the cart if we place the emphasis on getting married rather than learning to develop the interpersonal skills that are needed to keep a marriage together over the long haul. I have put in alot of sweat and tears over the past five years and my faith in the possibility of love has been restored after I had almost lost all faith in that which we all deeply yearn for. As I stated earlier, I am not making any predictions but it is deeply gratifying to know that if you open up your heart and soul to love than love will eventually find it's way back to you at some point which in turn will generate the kind of hope and joy which we all need and deserve. Love has many angles and abounds in mystery but when it touches you, you will be changed. Love is the ultimate gift so when someone gives us the gift of love our only response ought to be gratitude and acceptance. May God open our eyes and our hearts to love and when we recieve this precious gift may we be moved to give the gift to others.

My tribute to Kern County

Went for a drive today in the local hills and mountains and took a few pictures. Kern County where I live is not particular pretty most of the year but the spring time can be quite pleasant if one takes the time to slow down and smell the roses. I drove for about five hours stopping here and there taking pictures, talking to the locals, and eating lunch. It was quite relaxing and it is good to just get out of the city even if it is only the local "Ozark" hills of Kern County. I've been spoiled to have travelled many of the great vacation spots in the Western U.S. and Canada but despite my self indulgence in the spectacular I can still appreciate the local backwoods near my house, at least, in the winter and spring. Summer and fall is another matter because the landscape is burn't to a crisp and the weather is hotter than a horny toad sitting still in the shade out in the Mojave desert fifty miles from my house. I love the spectacular sights and sounds of the Canadian Rockies, Redwood National Park, Yosemite, and the rest of the wonderful National Parks in the west but I need to get refreshed other than my three week vacation each summer and that is what I did today......Buck Owens, a local country music legend died last night in his sleep. I am not a country music fan but Buck was big around these parts. A local legend. Besides his contributions to the country music scene Buck's influence in my neck of the woods was everywhere. He apparently owned numerous country music stations around the nation and he owned one of the most popular restaurants in town where he and other local country music bands performed live on stage. I never went to the Crystal Palace where Buck and his Buckaroos hung out but it was a local favorite five star restaurant where alot of the wealthy types went for dinner and a night of honky tonk music. I actually met Buck Owens back in the 60's at my mom's house. Apparently Buck Owens used to come over to my mom and step dad's house and jam with him and some friends. My step father was apparently quite the steel guitar player back then and he knew and played with Buck Owens back in the sixites. Not sure if he ever played in his band but was told that Buck and him at least jammed on a regular basis. I remember meeting him one Sunday afternoon while visiting my mom. I was probably about seven or eight and really didn't know who he was but I do remember the sound of picking and the twang of the steel guitar that day. Later Buck Owens became somewhat of a national celebrity with the Hee Haw show. Don't know how popular it was nationally but it was a favorite in the house I grew up in. Well, this is my tribute to Kern County, the place where I have lived most of my life and the place where I may die when it is all said and done.....

A Little Bit of this and a Little Bit of that

Just noticed I haven't checked in for about ten days now. Not that I have a quota to meet or anything. Sometimes I am really busy and other times I just don't have much to say. Alot has happened on the homefront in the past ten days but I can't really go into details because of privacy concerns. Let's just say my two sons are going through a difficult transition period of their life. It's equally difficult and challenging for the parents as well but I have been particularly frustrated since I don't live with my two sons and therefore my interaction and influence is limited. I think I handled a very difficult situation last week pretty well but am just concerned how things will go from here. Parenting is challenging because there are no ready made handbooks that contain any magic formulas. Alot of it involves flying by the seat of your pants and just dealing with stuff as it comes up. As a parent I try not to control or micro-manage my sons lives and succeed most of the time but certain situtations demand more than a rah rah speech to do better. I've tried to approach the whole parent thing from mentors perspective and thus take advantage of challenging situations with teaching in mind. Good teaching, imo, does not involve just lecturing but rather should include asking questions, listening, and helping others to understand their options and teach decision making skills. That's my goal and approach as a parent but it is difficult at times because many of the other authority figures in thier lives "seem" to be more interested in controlling their behavior through psychological conditioning than teaching them the skills they will need to develop as responsible independent people....Been watching a little March Madness the last couple of weeks. Don't watch much college basketball during the season but love March Madness. It's the greatest sporting event in the world, IMO. It's pure and more unpreditable than many of the other high profile sporting contests and the only one that consistently lives up to it's hype. I don't have a favorite team that is still playing in the tournament at this time but did get a buzz off watching the LSU/Duke, Boston College/Villanova, and UCLA/Gonzaga games. Felt bad for Morrison but was estatic when LSU whopped up on Duke. At this stage I am rooting largely for the underdogs look forward to watching as much of the final sixteen games as time allows. Thank God for Tivo/DVR recorders!.....On the personal/self help/keeping my lent promise front I have been reading, writing, and contemplating about this or that. Just trying to learn and get myself out of the daily survival mode. Life shoudn't just be about learning how to survive and hang on. Living in the moment with self awareness and making choices that improve life for myself and others is an important goal but is a real challenge on a day to day basis. Sometimes I just get so flooded with anxiety, stress, or emotions I don't even know how to identify. "Intellectually" at this stage I understand that I need to learn how to attend, befriend, and surrender to the "dark" and difficult emotions but not sure what that exactly entails or how to break some of the bad habits associated with attempting to supress/repress negative emotions that are so easy triggered. It's the accumulation of the day to day stuff that I find most challenging. The big stuff often seems easier for me to handle. Perhaps it is because I am more focused because I know the stakes are high. I'ts all a process. Two steps forward, a step back, and so on. At the present I am trying to not judge or condemn myself when I don't live up to my own sense of self awareness and see mself entering into an experimental phase where I think I need to change how I do or respond to this or that. It's kind of exciting but frustrating as well especially when I see mself slipping back into patterns that only bring temporarily relief to the dark emotions that haunt our souls......Recently took a trip to the snow and tried my hand at black and white photos. Included a couple of pictures with this post. Intend to take some more tomorrow as I am planning a three or four hour road trip out through the foothills before all the grass dies which usually happens before April is over. It has been unusually cold for this time of the year but I am not complaining because I know the hot weather is on the way...

It's a beautiful day

After a gloom and doom blog report yesterday I thought I would share a little sushine from my neck of the woods. Most of the year around here in the Bake it's a literal hellhole. 90 plus degree weather for three months and 100 plus for the other three. July and August are brutal and September often isn't much better. The air quality is terrible much of the year and the combination of dust and particulate matter is some of the worst in the country. Oil fields scatter the outlying areas and trash deposits line all the roads and if you dare check out the local foothills you will find T.V.s, couches, mattresses, and Lord knows what else. I know you aren't suppose to bag on your city but I am just telling it like it is....and...I ain't the only one....Bakersfield is regulary mentioned in various magazines as one of the least desirable cities to live in....and now the sunshine report.....but for the past two days it has been absolutely beautiful around here. 60 degree tempertatures, a light north to south wind and those puffy little clouds floating here and there. The mountains are covered with snow, finally, and the hills are green. Even the birds are out in full force and they are chirping up a storm. I know these ideal conditions won't last long but while it is here I am going to try to enjoy it and soak in the sights, sounds, and wonderful sunshine that is currently making it's presence known to those of us here who live in the Bake........

Doom and Gloom

As I read this or that and watch the local or national evening news I can't help feeling pretty depressed about what is happening in this country and abroad. Is there any good news to report anymore? Iraq is a mess, the Middle East is a ticking time bomb, the national real estate market appears to positioning itself to crash and burn anytime soon, the national budget deficit is growing, and growing and growing while our political leaders remain asleep at the wheel, and the rising cost of medical services, gasoline, energy, etc., all add up to bad, bad, news.....and.....does anyone seriously think things are going to get better any time soon?....or even pretty soon?.......Bush's speeches ring hollow and his recent approval ratings reflect that no one is buying what he has to sell anymore except for the loyal diehards who no doubt will stand by their man no matter what....Just wish I could find something positive on the national or international scene to hang my hat on. Doom and gloom aside for a moment....I know there are individual stories out there about people who are making a difference in this world, locally, nationally, and internationally. Mother Teresa may no longer be with us but her legion of inspired disciples are alive and well in this country and abroad. I also know that before things can get better they may have to get worse. It's the nature of the beast or what some may call Murphy's Law...and a personal note.....Personally I can't and don't want to complain, except for my tax situation which I already vented about the other day. I have about a secure job as one can have and have been at it for almost 20 years now. Even got a nine percent raise just the other day. Have a roof over my head, good health, and family and freinds who love me. My car runs and hell I possess all the latest gadgets a middle class man could ever want. My housing situation ain't particulary ideal but I intend on buying up some nice forclosure property as soon as the real estate market hits rock bottom in a couple of years...wishful thinking.....back to doom and gloom....Hope I am wrong but do now strongly suspect we are in for some tough times on numerous fronts in the decade to come and am particularly concerned for the future of my children and all the folks who get caught in the middle of what I fear may be coming. Just hope we can avoid an international and national crisis like another World War and a full blown economic/energy crisis. And hope.....and hope.....we can begin to turn things around before we do too much more damage. Surely people can now see we have been headed down the wrong paths on numerous fronts. Don't want to blame it all on the politicians and surely there is enough blame to go around, for us all. The hour is late and we all need to wake up, move beyond denial, and do what we can in our own little place in the world and may we do so with courage, passion, and wisdom....The sun hasn't been out much in the last couple of weeks which is highly unusual for this time of the year and perhaps that is contributing to my sense of gloom and doom. Also concede I have a terrible pessimistic streak in me which rears it's ugly head from time to time....but.....I also suspect it ain't just all in my head. Too many bad indicators out there to at least make one take seriously the concerns that I and others are raising. We live in a great country in many regards and just hope and pray that we can again rise to meet the latest challenge that faces us all. The world is watching...and...our children and grandchildren deserve better....

The Ups and Downs of Life

My life has been alot like the weather this week. One day it is sunny and warm and the next it is cold, rainy and windy. The week started out with my two sons birthday party. It was nice to have my mom join us all for their little birthday party that I arranged but unfortunately none of their friends that I invited were able to make it to the birthday bash which I know disappointed them. I took them shopping the next day and I think overall they were grateful for the efforts I made to make their birthday special. I don't have too many fond memories of my own birthday growing up as a kid and therefore I don't want my two sons to experience what I went through. Birthdays are supposed to be special and I think we owe our loved ones the effort to make birthdays, Christmas, and holidays in general special times of the year, no matter whether those we love have been naughty or nice.......Woke up this morning to the coldest day of the year. Coldest day on record for this day. It has hovered in the 40's all day long which is extremely unusual for my neck of the woods. Generally it is in the 70's by now. Even hailed about an hour ago and the foothills outside of town are covered in snow. It's been a real bizarre winter. No rain in January or February and seventy degree temperatures and now it is rainy and cold. Very weird.....Went to get my taxes done this morning and boy was I shocked. Last year I got several thousand back but this year I may owe several thousand!...Wasn't expecting it but I guess that is what happens when you don't have any property or family to claim as dependents. Ouch!....I'm bummed to say the least but am trying to use this opportunity to learn how to handle the "dark emotions" which is a goal I made to myself for lent. It's not the money that is hardest to handle. I've got the spare change to handle the situation. I'ts the nasty dark emotions that flooded me when I got the bad news. You know, the anxiety, the insecurities, the feeling that this isn't fair. Intellectually I know I can't control the variables surrounding my tax situation this year but I don't have to succumb to the potential fallout of the anxiety created by such bad news......Anyway.....rather than mope about something that is now out of my hands I have decided to follow up on my Lent promise and post a few thoughts and quotes from the books Healing the Dark Emotions. If listening to the rants and mumblings of a quasi armchair psychobabbler doesn't float your boat than skip this section. No harm no foul. It's therapeutic for me and that's the point and hopefully these musings will be more counterproductive than trying to repress or escape the nasty emotions triggered by the bad tax news from the state and the feds.......Here's a few excerpts from Miram Greenspan's book for those who have ears to hear........"Whether we listen to them or not, the dark emotions will emerge. One way or another, they exert their call through our body---as an act of grace or an act of violence, a cancerous growth or a surge of creative energy. Dark emotions don't go away. They simply come to us in whatever form we can bear".....A couple of thoughts regarding Job......"Jobs first comforter tells him that his faith will protect him from harm. The second Comforter reasons that since God is just, Job must be guilty of some offense and his suffering justified. The third urges the innocent Job to repent of his sins. How hollow then is your comfort! Your answers are empty lies, Job replies. Job rails. What he asks his friends is to be accompanied in his pain and outrage. This is just what they cannot do. Instead, they blame Job for his adversity and explain it away, offering cheap salves that add a sharp bite to Job's blistering wounds. Their conventional theologies are their armor, protecting them against the vicarious experience of Job's radical vulnerability".......For the record....My tax situation is not analogous to anything experienced by Job....dah....but I find the story interesting because of the way Job's comforters interpreted and processed what Job was going through. Judgment, shame, and guilt are often the name of the game but I am learning that we most often need to learn to sooth the dark emotions that we experience in our day to day lives and not act as Job's comforters to ourselves or those that live amongst us.......

My Own Version of Lent

I am not a Catholic and stopped trying to quit this or that years ago after I realized that the pressure of quitting some of my favorite vices seemed to make matters worse because they were coping strategies to reduce stress/pressure to begin with. Now I try keeping on top of the underlying stressors and that generally reduces the compulsions to a minimum which allows me to cope with life without going off the deep end. I mention all of this because Lent or the act of giving up stuff doesn't really float my boat but reading what others have to say about Lent has inspired me to come up with my own version of Lent which I intend to give a whirl until Easter. Rather than give something up during the Lent season I have decided to try to "follow through" with something I have started a number of times now. Last October I posted a piece on my blog about a book I read last year called Timeshifting by Stephan Rechtschaffen, M.D., and I intended to write a series of pieces which included quotes from the book but I got sidetracked with this or that. I prefer to blame my lack of following through on the success of the USC football team but my shrink tells me I need to take more personal responsibility. Acutally, my shrink doesn't know about my compulsion with USC football and I don't think I need to bring it up since the football season in now over. Seriously, following through with things, especially reading books, is a problem I confess/concede and therefore I thought I would be a good idea to stick to my intention to post a series of pieces on my blog between now and Easter regarding the books Timeshifting and Healing Through the Dark Emotions which is another book I find myself going back to time and time again. I realize my own twist on Lent may not follow traditional lines but do consider it following the Spirit of the Law if not the letter. Besides, drawing closer to God is the point of it all and I consider this activity something inspired from above and beneficial to me which I suspect will benefit others indirectly as well. So, without further fanfare here are a few quotes from the book Timeshifting for my edification and hopefully the edification for others who may read this blog......

Timeshifting........To be aware of time, we must develop new attitudes and new skills. This involves focusing on one thing at a time, learning to slow down and notice---really experience---our physical and emotional states. It involves reacquainting ourselves with our senses, our friends, our spouses, our children, and just what it is to be in this moment. It involves learning when to speed up (increasing the speed of our rhythm can be as valuable as decreasing it) and when and how to downshift. It involves facing ourselves directly, and truly showing up in each moment of our lives....There is only the present; there is only what is at hand.".......more......."For the past hundred years or so, Western society has set an overly fast rhythum, a rhythm that varies only in that it is continually getting faster, urging us to do more, produce more, learn more. All our machines are geared to be the acceleration of an already too-frantic speed. Computers, faxes, voice mail, Email, the Internet, portable phones, automatic redial: These are handy for business and sometimes convenient, but they each add to the speed of the rhythum around us, constantly increasing the pressure---allowing us little tiem for reflection and none for feelings"......and now a few words from Healing through the Dark Emotions......Emotional suffering, as I write about it here, is not a sign of mental disorder or illness. It's a universal fact of life...A culture that insists on labeling suffering as pathology, that is ashamed of suffering as a sign of failure or inadequacy, a culture bent on quick fix for emotional pain, inevitably ends up denying both the social and spiritual dimensions of our sorrows"....more......"I've seen again and again that the essence of healing emotional pain lies in listening to what hurts--in both knowing how to listen to oneself and being listened to by others....If we are unable to tolerate some discomfort, it's hard to listen to dark feelings in ourselves and others. Our best, most compassionate intentions are thwarted, our connections marred by the shadow of intolerable emotions. We become inured to the incessant cacophony of the world's suffering, limited in our authenticity and responsiveness. And we suffer from not knowing the darker side of ourselves".......

Befriending Our Emotional Beasts

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious. C.G. Jung........I've been bouncing around alot lately regarding the books I have been reading. One day I am tackling politics, the next it's religion, or whatever suits my fancy or particular interest or need at the moment, but, one book I keep coming back to is a book I read last year called Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair, by internationally know psychotherapist Miriam Greenspan. Greenspan is well aquainted with the dark emotions of the soul having parents who lived in concentration camps during WWII and losing her first son Aaron shortly after he was born to a tragic death. Over the past six years I have had my fair share of grief and struggles myself on several fronts which is probably why I have made a connection with the book and it's author. I have recently decided to read the book again and intend to take my time and read it more carefully this time around and ponder it's implications for my own life. To supplement my reading I have also decided to share some quotes from the book on my blog. I find these types of exercises therapeutic for me but I also hope others might find the entries interesting, helpful, inspiring, insightful or thought provoking......

Healing Through the Dark Emotions:..........."This book will argue that our emotional illiteracy as a species has less to do with our inability to subdue negative emotions than it does with our inability to authentically and mindfully feel them. What looks like a problem with emotional control actually has its source ina widespread ignorance about how to tolerate painful emotional energies and use these energies for emotional, spiritual, and social transformation. And while emotional control has its uses, it is transformation that our anguished world so urgently calls for. In particular, we need to honor three basic emotions that are an inevitable part of every life: grief, fear, and despair......The inability to tolerate grief, fear, and despair, as most any psychologist knows, is a major feature of the epidemic of addictions to alchohol, drugs, technology, entertainment, work, sex, etc. that afflicts our civilization....In my view, there are no negative emotions, just unskilled ways of coping with emotions we can't bear....Grief, despair, and fear are really neither positive or negative but simply human emotions; it is our attitude toward them that's negative. The dark emotions can be our best guide, albeit most demanding, spiritual teachers, when we get beyond the compulsion to control them. By learning how to attend to, befriend, and surrender to the energies of grief, despair, and fear, we create the conditions for something new to arise in ourselves and in the world. We discover an unexpected gateway to healing and transformation."