Decisions, decisions, decisions

Am currently pondering making some big decisions regarding my two sons living with me, getting married, and my future living arrangments. I've been in limbo going on four years now since my divorce and feel it is time to step out and take the bull by the horns. Generally, making big decisions has always been difficult for me and I think I am now just beginning to understand why.... I have always struggled with self confidence and without trying to lay blame on anyone in particular lets just say I didn't get alot of support in my "formative" years. One generally doesn't get much from their high school peers because the competition to establish oneself, often at the expense of one's peers, is often the name of the game in high school. Home can sometimes be iffy since some parents lack confidence themselves for a host of different reasons. Sports was always an outlet for me to establish myself but a serious knee injury in high school prevented me from my destiny to become a professional football, basketball, or baseball player. I am sure that without the injury I would have become the first professional three sport athlete in history...back to reality...I didn't develop much confidence until I became a pro-life activist the early 1980's. Numerous speaking opportunities, radio guest appearances and a few t.v. gigs did wonders for my lack of self confidence but may have inflated my ego along the way. Always a dark side to everything....I began teaching high school in 1987 and this was the beginning of a sustained positive effect to my self confidence which would help carry me over to the present but have experienced a few bumps along the way because there is a great gulf between the feedback I get from my students and some administrators and colleagues I have encountered over the years. I try to take it all in stride and with a grain of salt but ongoing negative feedback from the "powers that be" can be discouraging and can create significant doubt especially for those who have struggled as I have over the years to establish some semblance of self confidence....While I have gained some self confidence from my work, despite the naysayers, I may have lost as much from my experience with organized religion over the years. To be fair, my experience with organized religion has been a mixed bag. On the one hand, the Christian religion does teach us that Jesus does loves us and has a wonderful plan for those who follow him. The church and Bible also teaches us to not worry because God cares for each one of us as he does for creation itself, therefore, he will meet all our needs. These teachings can and often are very positive for those who struggle with self confidence issues and that should not be lightly dismissed.....but, on the other hand....organized Christian religion does emphasize that we all all sinners and we cannot, nor should not trust our own nature as it relates to our emotions/intuition, ability to reason, and decision making....and....because of our "sinful nature" we are strongly encouraged or exhorted to put our trust in the authority of the church, the bible, tradition, and or it's leaders....and it's the latter emphasis that is highly problematic for alot of folks like myself. We get used to not trusting ourselves and our natural abilities and over the years it can really take it's toll and paralyze one in the face of having to make decisions to the point where one simply avoids making important decisions and "hopes" either someone else or the circumstances will make the decision for you. The problem is...there is no personal ownership in defering one's fate to others or life's circumstances...but perhaps worse....You never really follow the true desires of your heart and self confidence and potential happiness is sacrificed at the alter of fear and a life driven by fear is not the kind of life that breeds self confidence or happiness.....Back to the beginning....I have got some important decisions to make in the days, weeks, and months, to come and I hope I can overcome my past so that I can transend my fears and lack of self confidence and make the decisions that are right for me. It's my hope, my dream, and my hearts desire....