"Verbal abuse is, in a sense, built into our culture. One-upmanship,defeating,putting down, topping,countering,manipulating,critisizing,hard selling, and intimadating are accepted as fair game by many. " Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship..

A series of recent personal events has led me to re-visit the topics of emotional blackmail, verbal abuse, and people who want to control you. I have studied these various issues on and off for about six years running but have kept my experiences and comments about these topics to myself for the most part. Since I am currently not working and have a bit more time on my hands I thought it might be helpful to myself and anyone else who might stumble across this blog to share on these various topics. I intend to keep my personal experiences of verbal and emotional abuse to myself because individual privacy is a primary concern and unnecessary for my purposes. Besides, most folks I have discovered generally feel very uncomfortable when you start venting about your personal problems because I suspect it may hit too close to home or most often they just don't know what to say. Fortunately I have a few brave souls in my life who don't mind my venting about this or that from time to time so I'll refrain from naming names and personal situations and just stick to the topic at hand. At this time I feel compelled to write on this topic and I hope the following is helpful to all who read this blog...I have been profoundly effected by this problem for much of my life and I suspect others have been so as well and I feel it's time to come out of the shadow and speak up. I speak both as a victim and a perpetrator of verbal abuse and my goal is to educate us all so we don't enable the abuser or become the abuser ourself. May God help us all. Verbal abuse is toxic and sticks and stones may break your bones but words will hurt you and others if you are not careful......

The following comments are either quotes or paraphases from Patricia Evans excellent book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Since all the following ideas come from Evans I am not going put into quotes the following comments. Evans gets all the credit. I'm just the messenger.

Obstacles which stand in the way of recognizing abuse

1. Denial, fear of rejection. You fear the inevitable confrontation between you and the abuser. And, no one wants to admit they have an abusive partner, perhaps out of fear of what that may imply about your decision making.

2. Allowing oneself to be defined by the abuser. In other words, you accept the abuser's definition of your character, thoughts, feelings, and general identity.

3. Confusion due to the abuser's intermittent acts of kindness and friendlyness. Abusers are not always abusive. Thus the partner may forget the bad times until they happen again.

4.Subtle abuse. The abuser's control gradually increases and your acceptance of the abuse gradually is accepted as well.

5. The abused partner has no basis of comparison. No non-abusive relationships with others to know what a healthy give and take relationship ought to look like.

6. The abuse is hidden, out of public so others cannot validate what the abused partner is feeling and experiencing.

7. The partner may have never considered the question, Am I being abused?



If you have been verbally abused, you have been told in subtle and not so subtle ways that your perceptions of reality is wrong and that feelings or thoughts are wrong.

Verbal abuse is an issue of control, a means of power over another. This abuse may be overt or covert, constant, or periodic.

It can be difficult to recognize verbal abuse because we are socialized to either doubt our feelings or repress them, thus we are unable to recognize the abuse. Feelings, however, are essential to our being, because they are the criteria by which we determine if something is wrong or unsafe.

Since verbal abusers need to have power over their partners, they cannot accept them as equals. They may, however tell them, that they do. Why can't they accept their partners as equals? Because they would experience their equality as inferiority. They would then have to ask for what they wanted. They would be open to rejection.

Sometimes a verbal abuser may pretend to not understand or to have forgotten what their partner is talking about because they simply do not want to acknowledge that their partner has opinions or feelings seperate from their own.

There are many ways to manipulate another person, including being "friendly" only when one expects to get something from the other....and...and acting as if something has been agreed to or decided that hasn't yet been agreed to or decided.

An abuser cannot control their partner and be intimate at the same time.

Because of their need for dominance and their unwillingness to accept their partner as an equal, the abuser is compelled to negate the perceptions, experiences, values, accomplishments and plans of their partner.

Verbal abuse, like physical abuse, most often occurs behind closed doors. Secrecy is a key to the abusers power over...and...going public with abuse is generally a serious sign of escalation and or impending physical abuse.

The abuser begans to communicate disdain for the partners interests, values, needs, wants and desires.

The abuser makes no attempt at reconcilation, in fact, they most often don't even seem bothered by difficult incidents...and...they never even attempt to reach an understanding.

The abuser continually attempts to define the other partner, the nature of the relationship, in ways that are foreign to the other partner.

There are basically three types of verbal abuse, witholding, countering, and discounting....

Witholding occurs when the abuser refuses to listen, consider or even attempt to engage the other person's feelings, ideas, or predictament. A confirmed abuser may go for months or years without attempting to engage thier partners emotionally or intellectually.

Countering occurs when the abuser sees the partner as an adversary. How dare they have a different view from their own. If their partner sees things differently they feel they are losing control and dominance.Consequently, they may choose to argue, disagree, or dismiss their partners perspective and point of view. Countering is extremely destructive to a relationship because it consistently denies their partner their reality. Counters usually don't allow others to finish their thoughts. When a verbal abuser counters thier partner they do not preface their response with phrases such as, "it seems to me, I think, I feel, they simply assert that what their partner says isn't so, or no that is not the way it is"...

Discounting denies and distorts the partners actual perspection of the abuse by using such phrases as, "your'e too sensitive, Your'e jumping to conclusions, you blow everything out of proportion, you take things too seriously, or they assert you are reading things into what they say.

People who are conditioned from birth to not trust their feelings often and most likely will not recognize the irrationality and danger of verbal abuse.

The great tradegy in a verbally abusive relationship is that the partners efforts to bring about reconcilliation, mutual understanding, intimacy are neglected out of hand and assumed to be adversial by the abuser.

If you and your partner are living in a different reality than it is important to understand that you cannot explain this to them because they will see your explanation as an excuse...a defense which abusers feel need to be challenged.

Verbal abuse is rejection....Don't ever delude yourself into thinking that you should have the ability to stay serene no matter how you are treated. Anger properly expressed is not abusive or destructive. Saying stop that to an abuser is simply a matter of protecting oneself.

While you are going through internal and external changes keep structure and constants in your daily life. Keep regular hours for eating and exercise and get enough sleep.

And finally.....All change, even the most longed for, have their melancholy. for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves: we must die to one life before we can enter another......

Hope for the emotionally abused

Living and submitting to emotional blackmail on a regular basis is destructive to both the blackmailer and the individual under the spell of the blackmailer. Responding and attempting to break the spell will be challenging and may lead to short term escalation particularly if one has repeatedly defered to the blackmailer over a period of time. Attempts to resist the demands of the blackmailer will be challenging because the blackmailer will no doubt initially respond by getting angry and resorting to increased heavy handed tactics in an attempt to control the situation....and....when the blackmailer is a family member it can be an ongoing challenge because there are no guarantees the blackmailer is going to change no matter what you do. People who regularly use blackmail tactics of manipulation need psychological/spiritual help because their need to control others through coercion is generally associated with insecurities,fears, and a past which includes individuals who blackmailed and manipulated them. These are learned behaviors which are modeled by family, friends, peers, spouses, and unfortunately many of our institutions which makes breaking the spell the more challenging. While we cannot change others no matter what we do there are some things one can do to preserve one's own dignity and peace of mind. Dealing with blackmailers may require professional help, especially if the blackmailer is a spouse, parent, or someone we rub shoulders with on a regular basis. Generally I am not a formula, 12 steps this or that kinda of guy, but here are some things to remember and experiment with if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who regularly attempts to manipulate, coerce, and pressure you into doing what they need or want.....

Tips to counter emotional blackmail

1. One needs to share there own needs and wants and this is not emotional blackmail. I mention this because a person who is attempting to blackmail you may try to confuse you by asserting you are being selfish or manipulative. It is only manipulative if you are attempting to impose your own needs/wants above others considerations. Relationships are a balancing act which requires all participants to compromise, sacrifice, and listen to and consider the needs of others. One sided relationships lead to resentment, burn out, and co-dependency.

2. If you are feeling pressured by a blackmailer use some of the following time buying statements in order to collect your thoughts and figure out what you want/need to do. If one has a history of defering to the pressure tactics of others it may require time to think about how you want to handle the situation. You can say the following:

A. I don't have an answer right now. I'll get back to you later.

B. Let me think about it.

C. Let's discuss this later. I am not ready to make a decision now.

By saying you need time you've shifted the balance of power in the relationship and put the blackmailer in position of waiting to see what you are going to do. Of course this doesn't apply to a situation where an immmediate answer is needed but this can be helpful when faced with critically important decisions. If the individual who is pressuring you doesn't respect your request you can gently or forcefully remind them you do not respond to pressure tactics. If they continue to press on you may need to hang up the phone or walk away and let them know why you are walking away. If they realize the connection between walking away and their manipulative tactics they "may" be back off next time...but...it also may escalate..but...if it does you may just need to cut off further contact for awhile.

3. "Give yourself permission to say, I don't want to or I don't feel like it without feeling that you have to give a justification or an elaborate explanation" Blackmailers may pressure you to justify your decision in an effort to question your character or attack your justifications but one does not need to justify anything to those who have no genuine interest in listening and taking seriously your needs and desires. Stand your ground...

4. If the situation with the blackmailer continues to escalate or you become extremely anxious you may want to consider writing a letter to express yourself. When we are very anxious we tend to forget what to say and do and are easy targets for the pressure tactics of a blackmailer. Don't feel guilty or beat yourself having to resort to such measures. Blackmailers have to take responsibility for their own actions particularly when it comes to the manipulative tactics they use therefore one does not need to blame oneself for the actions of the blackmailer. Think of it as a graceful means to a problem you did not create.

5. "Stand up for the small issues, at least, from time to time because it will give you an opportunity to develop skills you need to hold fast when the stakes are higher."

6. Standing up for oneself does not mean that you get defensive and make counterattacks, assertions, demands, character assinations, and resort to the manipulative tactics of the blackmailer because it will only provide fuel for the fire.

7. Do not feel the need to defend or explain your decisions or yourself in response to pressure....unless....you think or have reason to believe the individual sincerely is interested in knowing what you think or feel...because...blackmailers generally are primarily looking for any avenue to further coerce you and the more information you provide the more opportunities are given for manipulation.

8. When you have an important discussion with someone you find manipulative or difficult don't do it when you are tired...and...be sure to pick a place where you both might feel equally comfortable and at ease. "Remember...turf has energy"....

9. Don't expect blackmailers who use silence to take the first step to resolve conflict, or any step for that matter. You may have to keep after them, in a non manipulative way, of course, otherwise they tend to withdraw even more.

10. Remember you are dealing with people who most likely feel less adequate and powerless than you and may actually be afraid of you. Never refer to them as blackmailers or any other derogative label. They are human beings just like the rest of the human race and respect their own needs and wants and "try" to work with them unless they choose to resort to scorched earth psychological warfare which at that point you may need to remind them that this approach will not work with you, now or forever.

11. Try to enlist the blackmailer as an ally by asking for their opinion and suggestions to solve the impasse you currently face...and...solicit them for proposals. "Try" to barter and look for win, win situations, if possible, and other creative alternative solutions to problems.

12. Apologize, if and when, you allow yourself to resort to the level of the blackmailer. Try to model and live by the priniciple of non manipulation that you hold to. Don't make excuses or justify when you make miskakes.

13. Remind yourself that you have the right to feel, think, and behave differently than the blackmailer....and....you don't need to apologize for having different feelings, etc. because we all have different pasts, needs, wants, passions, and desires. Welcome to the nature of the human race.....

Emotional Blackmail Primer

Over the years I have become increasingly aware of how individuals, groups, and various institutions may use emotional blackmail and verbal abuse to control, punish, or simply get what they want or think they need..... and....... since physical/emotional needs are legitimate needs institutions and individuals sometimes feel justified in using such tacitcs....but....at what price?....The breakdown and dissolution of relationships or the loss of the individual spirit is often the fallout. ...Verbal/emotional abuse is something we all engage in from time to time and to one degree or another but some individuals or groups are prone to use various forms of manipulation on a regular basis to the detriment of themselves and the people around them. Personally this problem has had a profound effect on my life and my various relationships which is why I wanted to write, hopefully, a series of articles addressing this problem for both the benefit of myself and any others who might stumble across my blog. Following are a collection of ponderings and information that addresses the problem of emotional/verbal abuse for everyones consideration...You can call it a primer.....I have chosen a question and answer format to address the various issues associated with emotional blackmail. All quotations come from Susan Forward's book Emotional Blackmail.

What is emotional blackmail...."Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish us if we don't do what they want"

What are the primary tactics used by emotional blackmailers?

1. Guilt

2. Fear

3. Appeals of obligation to God, family, work, and country.

4. Attacks on one's character, motives, sense of self worth.


What are some examples and characteristics of emotional blackmail?....

1. When someone verbally threatens to make your'e life difficult if you don't do what they want.

2. Tell you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves or become depressed if yo don't do want they want.

3. Blackmailers always want more, no matter how much you give.

4. They regularly assume you will give in to them.

5. Regularly ignore or discount your feelings, needs, and desires.

6. Consistently label you as selfish, bad, greedy, unfeeling, or uncaring when you don't give into them.

7. They shower you with approval when you give in and take it away when you don't.

8. Insist that their character and motives are superior.

9. Avoid taking any responsibility for the problems between them and you.

10. Emotional blackmail encourages others to take responsibilty for the blackmailers complaints and unhappiness. If you are on the recieving end of the emotional abuse you are perceived as the bad guy while the abuser perceives themself as wearing the white hat.

11. The balance of power is one sided. My way or the highway is the mantra. Compromise, being fair, and standard give and take are not options for emotional abusers.

12. When blackmailers get desperate they kick it up to another level by challenging our motives, character, self worth, and bringing God into the picture to get us into line which are effective tools if we are generally a sensitive religious person who does believe in God.



Important qualifier: It's important to remember that we not label every conflict or expression of strong emotions as emotional blackmail. People have the right to set limits...set boundaries...and share their wants and needs....and, as long as they don't use threat or various manipulative pressure tactics it is healthy and appropiate and not an example of blackmail.

Why are some people more susceptible to emotional abuse than others?

People who have an excessive need for approval or have an intense fear of anger and rejection are prime candidates for abuse because they also have alot of self doubt which plays into the hands of manipulators who attempt to define you in their terms and not yours...and....if you don't have a clear perspective of who you are and know what you need/want than you are at high risk to the emotionally abusive spin doctors.
Caretakers and people who have a history of having to put others needs before their own are also at high risk because they naturally want to help others. Emotional blackmailers tend to come from emotionally or physically abusive background where their own needs were neglected therefore they tend to naturally prey on people who are sensitive to meeting the needs of others.......It is critically important to rememember to not "beat yourself up for giving into a blackmailer...you did the best you could with what you knew. Look compassionately at the person who have been and then make the changes, inch by inch that you need to make to break yourself free from those who would seek to control, blackmail, or abuse you."...Susan Forward....

I'll wrap this up next time with some advise/suggestions for consideration on some practical things one can do when facing emotional blackmail....

Latest news, contemplations, and ponderings

Am in a real funky mood right now. My mom had a stroke a just a couple of days ago and can't help wondering if this may be the final days of her life. The stroke wasn't a major one but she is 92 years old and apparently she has other complications as well. I'll know more in the next week but am intending to take a trip up north to see her soon..... My current and future living situation is up in the air right now because my two sons may come to live with me so all my summer plans are currently in a holding pattern but do suspect some big changes are on the way. Change is always challenging, potentially unsettling or ripe for new learning and personal growth opportunities. I need to continually remind myself that life is an adventure, journey, and new opportunities for postitive transformation for myself and others involved in my life but transformation seems to never occur without some personal discomfort or sometimes significant sacrifice or pain. Just the reality of life. Intellectually it's easy to understand but existentially it is generally difficult to accept and embrace unless you are one of those buddha types which I am not. I confess I really struggle with making big decisions and major life changes. Not sure all the reasons why. Not particularly self confident, at times, especially when the stakes are potentially high or don't feel a strong push in one particular direction. I suspect my past demons come into play here because I wasn't particularly encouraged by family or my religious subculture to trust my own feelings and intellectual abilities and to this day I feel like I am on a roller coaster when faced with pontential life changing decisions. Just hard to trust myself and my abilities at times if you know what I mean. Sometimes I just want to flip a coin or throw myself to the fate of the gods because the echo of silence seems to be a constant companion who never leaves my side......
I am hoping I can settle down a bit on the homefront sooner than later. Life is such a paradox at times. I have been working at the same job for the past 19 years and feel as comfortable and confident as I imagine a person can feel but on the homefront things have been in a real flux for the past seven years and counting. Don't know how much good it does to ponder such paradoxes because the answers are often allusive, pontentially unsettling, or just too complex. Life is messy at times and never ever totally settling for anyone for any extended period of time. Just seems to be the reality of living in the modern world but do suspect life was just as unsettling for our ancestors who were at the mercy of mother nature, powerful kings, religious institutions, or marauding Ghengis Kahn types who apparently didn't want to give up the sword and fighting for a more peaceful co-existence and truce with mother nature and their neighbors.......So where does that leave us, me, and you? We can take the bull by the horns and attempt to radically change our circumstances in hope of a better outcome.....We can passively set by, do nothing, and hope the gods rescue or show favor upon us......or....or.....too many choices....too many potential outcomes that I cannot predict....Why aren't things more clear and self evident? God give me and us a sign.....on second thought......I think I'll just take it one day at a time. This may sound like a cliche, and it is, but sometimes cliches may be all we have to hang onto......

Going over the edge

Today was the last day of regular instruction for the year and as you can see I finally snapped and went over the edge. My colleagues had been predicting I would snap earlier but I persevered until the end but today I decided to resist the temptation to keep it all together and just let it all hang out. Actually, today was a bitter sweet day. I was very happy to end the year. It's been very stressful teaching five different preps during the course of the year, psychology, sociology, economics, civics, and world history. I really need a break from it all. People who think teaching is easy just because we get alot of time off really don't have a clue what it is like to prepare interesting lessons, motivate the kids, discipline, process all the paper work, and go to god awful boring meetings too many times than I can remember. Most folks wouldn't last two weeks....anyway......While I am glad to have finished year number 19 I was also a bit sad regarding the kids. I took the kids out outside and took some group photos and then we came in and I told them I felt priviledged to be their teacher. We ended the class by listening to Annie Lennox's Into the West which is the song at the end of the Return of the King. It was kind of a sad ending to the class but I told them they were just beginning a new journey and they had alot to look forward to as they were about to embark on a new adventure in life. I am excited for them but I also know life outside of high school will be challenging and many of them will not see their hopes and dreams materialize in the way they thought but that is the nature of the beast of life. Next week is finals but I will only work two days since my senior classes have already finished their finals. I am looking forward to the summer but this summer poses a series of challenges on the homefront and I suspect I will be juggling my schedule more than usual. This summer will be interesting and promises to be a challenge. Just hope I am up to it all.....and....hope the weather gods have mercy on us folks from Bakersfield this summer. ....Heading off to visit my friend tomorrow in Paso Robles and intend to spend the next three days at the beach with my girlfriend and two sons. Should be fun and then I'll come back and finish the year next week......

The Numbers are in

The numbers are in and the Da Vinci Code raked in 77 million in the states and 224 million worldwide which makes it the second largest worldwide release in history after "Star Wars: Episode III".....Not bad for a movie that was hammered by the film critics and the various religious institutions around the country. Not sure what to make of it all but am reminded that boycotts and criticism generally have the opposite effect when it comes to entertainment. ...or as the saying goes...."there is no such thing as bad press".....Some of the critics will of course want to suggest that this is further evidence of the dumbing/gullibility of the masses but I for one don't think the masses are as dumb or as barbaric as the elite make them out. This may be oversimplistic to suggest but I think people in general just like a good story and they want to be entertained and this film appears to fill the bill despite what many of the snooty critics say otherwise.....By the way....both Ebert and Roper gave the film thumbs up, so not all the critics are riding the bash the Da Vinci Code bandwagon.....Regarding the religious criticisms and concerns....I understand why many of the religious leaders and followers are concerned but when will they learn that their over the top attempts to torpedo the film industry are counter productive to their cause. Harry Potter, Star Wars, the Exorcist, etc., just to name of few of the films over the years that received extensive criticism from the religious community. Personally I think they would be better off to just encourage their people to go because the "don't touch the forbidden fruit" approach didn't work in the garden and it hasn't worked since....but to each his/her own, I suppose.....

De-coding the Da Vinci Code

Even though I have not read the book or seen the film yet I have an increasingly emotional interest in the Da Vinci Code discussion because of my interest in Christianity and my recent studies in Gnosticism, the canonization process, Biblical criticism, and the various early Christian communities. During Easter I read Bart Ehrman's books on the early "lost" Christian communities and "the story behind who changed the Bible and why" and I am currently reading Elaine Pagels book "The Gnostic Gospels" for a second time. While I have no personal stake in the Gnostic tradition I am interested in the diversity of the early Christian communities because of the social implications for our own time. Also, I have enjoyed learning more about the movement in it's historical context which I think is often lost when people discuss the Gnostics. For many Christians the gnostics have become the poster children for heresy and anti-christianity which in unfortunate because from my perspective I think they were trying to live out their own faith in the context of some very difficult circumstances. Hans Jonas, a prominent historian of gnosticism suggests in his writings that "many people at the time felt profoundly alienated from the world in which they lived and longed for a miraculous salvation as an escape from the social constraints of political and social existence."....therefore.....according to Jonas they "constructed a worldview--a philosophy of pessimism about the world combined with an attempt at self-transcendence."....Professor R.M. Grant "has suggested that gnosticism emerged as a reaction to the shattering of traditional religious views ----Jewish and Christian ---after the Romans destroyed Jerusalem inn 70 A.D."......bottom line......Based on what I have read I do now believe the Gnostics were trying in their own way to "experience the continuing presence of Jesus" after his death. One may question their methods and some of their counter attacks of their Christian contemporaries but they do seem to sincerely be attempting to work out their own brand of faith in the context of their own unique circumstances and time.

Gnosticism has received more than it's fair share of criticism from certain Christian quarters over the years and it now appears that alot of that criticism in now being projected onto Dan Brown's book and the film. All the major Christian parachurch ministries are talking about the book/movie and websites and articles are popping up everywhere. Over the past couple of days I have visited some of the websites and read a few articles and I am taken back a bit regarding the misinformation and, imo, alarmist concerns over a book that is after all, only fiction. One writer of a popular Christian organization writes, "Brown opens his book by writing, "All descriptions of artwork, architecture, documents and secret rituals in this novel are accurate." By extension, then—despite his online disclaimer—he, his book and now his movie assert that the New Testament is not the "true" account of the life of Jesus. Rather, the Gnostic Gospels tell the true story.".....Really?....Is this what Brown is asserting? Perhaps it would be helpful to hear what Brown himself has to say about the matter. Brown had this to say in a recent interview,

While it seems that

the book's characters and their actions are obviously not real, the

artwork, architecture, documents, and secret rituals depicted in this

novel all exist (for example, Leonardo Da Vinci's paintings, the

Gnostic Gospels, Hieros Gamos, etc.). These real elements are

interpreted and debated by fictional characters. While it is my

belief that some of the theories discussed by these characters may

have merit, each individual reader must explore these characters'

viewpoints and come to his or her own interpretations. My hope in

writing this novel was that the story would serve as a catalyst and a

springboard for people to discuss the important topics of faith,

religion, and history.

From my vantage point it appears that Brown is "only" asserting that the gnostic documents exist but "is not" asserting a particular interpretation or theory. While it is true that the characters in the story have a particular opinion about such matters it is important to remember that the story and the characters are "only" fiction. Brown also had this to say.....

"Since the beginning of recorded time, history has been written by

the "winners" (those societies and belief systems that conquered and

survived). Despite an obvious bias in this accounting method, we

still measure the "historical accuracy" of a given concept by

examining how well it concurs with our existing historical record.

Many historians now believe (as do I) that in gauging the historical

accuracy of a given concept, we should first ask ourselves a far

deeper question: How historically accurate is history itself?"

Another critic of Brown's book had this to add, ""Do you realize that the Gnostics were not eyewitnesses? And did you know that the early church was aware of these teachings and refuted them? The New Testament has much more historical credibility."

Is this critic aware that the Gospels are also not eyewitness accounts but were written anonymously perhaps for the purpose of establishing authority in order that people might take seriously what they had to say? And, while the gnostic texts are not as old as the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John no one knows for sure when the gnostic texts were "originally" written and it is not too far fetched to question whether the originals might have been banished or cast into a lake of fire considering what many of the early church fathers had to say about the gnostics in their numerous attacks on the movement.

The same critic concluded with this statement, "many who read The Da Vinci Code are prone to believe it: Forget historical investigation; forget the need for consistency; forget the need for continuity with the Old Testament. It comes down to the desire to have a tolerant faith that lets us pick-and-choose our beliefs, cafeteria style.

If we bring this battle for the canon back to rationality, consistency and historical investigation, we have nothing to fear. We can't compete with people's desires, but we can show that all the hard evidence is on our side."

Really,.....how condescending and arrogant....So much for Christian humility.....So why all the effort to discredit and demonize a film/book that is only a work of fiction? Are people really that gullible, naive, and unable to sort through the facts for themselves? Apparently some people think so.......So why all the concern and apparent need by many to refute something that is fiction especially when you consider that critics of the Bible and traditional Christianity have been around forever and quite prominent today....I suspect it's the "popular appeal" of the Da Vinci Code that warrants such attention. Traditional/Conservative Christians don't have to seriously worry about the writings of the Jesus Seminar, left leaning, and secular critics because their books, articles and other means of communication are limited only to those who frequent the kind of places where their work is featured and since Christian Television, radio, and bookstores are a monopoly of like minded people one can go for years without thinking much about the type of questions that are raised by the likes of Crossan, Ehrman and others. But, pop culture is another matter. Lots of people go to films and later talk about what they have seen to their friends, relatives and colleagues....therefore.....While the Da Vinci Code is a work of fiction it's story is raising alot of questions and discussions for alot of folks regarding Christianity and apparently this concerns a significant number of Christians. Apparently Joseph Campbell was right....Myth is powerful.....

Riverwalk Park of Bakersfield

It's been loooonnnnnng week.....Computer crashed.....washing machine crashed.....phone line crashed.....tires on my car crashed....alingment crashed.....and....air conditioner required three hours of my precious time that I really don't have. Am burn't, through and through...to a crisp....on both sides.....but relief is in sight...... am taking off to the coast for three days, by myself to see an old buddy of mine who recently bought a house near the coast. No kids, no girlfriend, no students and no responsibilities for three glorious days....I really need it....and....only three more weeks of school and then I am finished for nine weeks. Did manage to squeeze some time to make it over to the new Riverwalk Park on the west side of town. Quite impressive and predict it is going to be a big hit with the locals. The park took ten years to plan and build and is located along the river that "sometimes" flows through town. Much of the year it is dry and hideous looking but the last couple of years water has actually been sighted running for most of the year....The new state of the art park has a couple of small lakes, a running stream, fountains and an impressive outdoor amphitheatre where bands such as the Moody Blues are "suppose" to play in the years to come. Went and saw the opening act the other night. It was a freeby concert featuring the Fab Four which is a tribute band to the Beatles. They were very, very impressive. About half of their act sounded "just like" the Beatles. I'm not kidding or exaggerating. They were awesome. Particulary got off on the second act when they came out dressed in Sgt. Pepper outfits and played Sgt. Peppers Lonely Heart club band, With a little Help from my friends, and a Day in the Life. Really look forward to going back out to the park and doing a few barbecues and bike riding. Bakersfield doesn't have much going on in the city since I have lived here but I give the city planners an A plus for this one.......Well thats it for now. Need to get to bed and get my beauty rest because I have to get up early and head the beach....Hooooray.....Hooooray.......

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF A CELEBRITY KIND

Over the years I have personally met and, in some cases, talked to the following individuals who are either nationally known or at least recognized by a lot of folks. I have met a number of well known celebrities/individuals while attending a conference or workshop from time to time but the list below includes celebrites I simply bumped into when I least expected it. Following are some of the “close encounters of the celebrity kind” and a breif description of the encounters.

Bill Walton: Bill Walton is the greatest college basketball "I" have ever seen. His passion, intensity, and selflish team first attitude were legendary in the annuals of sports history. A reincarnation of Bill Russell but a Bill Russell who could shoot and score when needed...and...maybe the greatest passing center in history. His performance against Memphis State in the NCAA finals was arguably one of, if not, the greatest single big game college performance of all time. Walton scored 42 points which included making 21 of 22 shots which is still an NCAA record for the college tournament….While attending Oregon State during the early 1980’s I met and talked to Bill Walton for about five minutes. The encounter occurred at the end of the UCLA/Oregon State game. At the time Walton was the broadcaster for the Bruins and I was a student at Oregon State. When the game ended between the Bruins and the Beavers I walked down to floor where Walton was standing by himself. Apparently no one wanted to talk to him since he is a Bruin grad who brought a significant amount of pain and grief to Beaver fans during his three year stint at UCLA. I walked up to him, introduced myself and told him I was from Southern California and admired his game both in college and the pros. I don’t remember anything in particular he said but I do remember him as a gracious person who took the time to entertain/ indulge me and sign an autograph request before we both went on our merry way.

Dan Fouts: Dan Fouts, imo, is one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history. While he never won the superbowl he was the field general of one of the greatest offenses in NFL history and if his San Diego Chargers hadn’t played in the coldest game in history, in Cincinnati back in the 80's, I am sure they would have won at least one Super Bowl…. Meeting Dan Fouts was probably my most unusual encounter. While camping in a wilderness area in Oregon back in the 80’s a friend and I camped next to a group of guys who appeared to just be hangin out and fishing. As we walked by thier campsite I caught a glance of a guy who looked like Dan Fouts. My buddy got a look as well but didn't think it was him. For the next hour my buddy and I argued back and forth over the bearded plaid shirt camper who was camping in the same campground as us. Dan Fouts is a graduate of the University Oregon I reminded my friend therefore it was possible, if not plausable, that he might just be hangin out in Oregon during the offseason with friends or family. My friend countered by arguing that big time quarterbacks don't hang out in primitive campgrounds, with no showers, and sleep on the ground in tents. They at least rent one of the monstrous RV's with satellite dishes so they can watch ESPN's Sportscenter before they go to bed each night. Back and forth, back and forth, we went. Finally, I got up the courage to walk over to their campsite and settle the feud once and for all. The camper we were acquiring about was not there at the time but a couple of his buddies were so we told them about our little feud. The gentleman we told our story to chuckled and introduced himself as Dan Fouts brother. Dan was off fishing for the day but would be back later. We never came back later for reasons I don't remember and even though I never got to shake Mr. Fouts hand or personally talk to him I was content to win the arguement with my buddy and retell this story more times than I can remember.

John Madden: Ex-coach of the Oakland Raiders and Monday Night Football icon....While visiting Carmel California about ten years ago I walked past an outdoor wedding in progress. Outdoor weddings I suspect are common in Carmel where the weather never gets above 75. On this particular day I just happened to notice a white haired gentleman talking to this huge guy about fifty feet away. The guy looked like John Madden....so..... I got as close as I could to this private wedding and as I glanced around I noticed that there were alot of really big guys walking to and fro. Not sure exactly how close I got but I did get close enough to positively I.D. John Madden. I suspect it was the wedding of some football players since many of the attendees were so huge. I was in a hurry and couldn't hang around so I never was able to I.D. any of the players.

Carl Weathers: Rocky fame/Apollo Creed... Years ago I went to a little outdoor cafe in Pasadena Ca. and the waitress sat my friend and I next to Apollo Creed. I am sure it was him because he couldn't have been more three feet away. He was looking buff and wearing a sporty green beret and sitting next to an attractive female I did not recognize. During our lunch I found myself eavesdropping from time to time on their conversation but I don't remember anything they said. In hindsight, I probably should have introduced myself as Rocky Balboa and asked him if he wanted one more rematch.

Philosophical Musings

Had a series of interesting conversations last night while hanging out with some of my colleagues which included an administator at work, two science, one english and social studies teacher and a local journalist. The conversation centered around philosophy, particularly postmodernism and it's relationship to Christianity. I won't go into all of what was said because it would probably take me hours so I'll limit myself to a few comments. For most of the evening I found myself covering the usual ground which means "trying" to explain what Postmoderism is not. Most folks associate Postmodernism with moral relativism/ anti-reason/logic/science/technology and religion. Did my best at trying to explain that postmodernism, as I understand/interpret it, is not against modernity and it's applications, but do concede it raises doubts and is critical to the "supremacy and monopoly" of the Enlightment/Modernism's methodology, assumptions, and applications. In my world, questioning or being critical of something is not the same thing as being against/anti, but, unfortunately alot of folks don't seem to understand or agree with this nuance.....regarding moral relativism.....In my book everyone is a moral relativist if you interpret moral relativism as an attempt to take situations and context into consideration when making ethical decisions which I believe is what everyone does to one degree or another. Also, as I understand postmodernism and ethics, postmodernists are not saying truth, right and wrong, etc. don't exist, but rather, they and I, do question the "foundations" truth claims are based on, which means that rationalists, fundamentalists,existentialists, or any other ists or isms no longer get a free ride...either or/black and white is no longer naturally assumed particularly when it comes to historical,theological,philosophical interpretation and metaphysical certainity. This does not imply that truth with a capital "T" does not exist but my ability to fully understand and assertain the full scope of such intellectual endeavors is limited by my limits as an individual and the limits of science, reason, etc.....thus....."moral assertions" about this or that are generally limited to "acts" of inhumanity/harm to other humans, mother earth, and the creatures that share the planet with us......regarding the relationship between postmodernism and Christianity.....One participant attempted, unsuccessfully, imo, to persuade everyone that the relationship and the effects of postmodernism on Christianity was nothing new under the sun but I did attempt to suggest that I do believe what we are seeing is "qualitatively" different than anything we have seen in the past. For thousands of years Christians and non Christians have argued and attempted to persuade each other about the Bible, the nature of Christ, and the various ethical implications and applications of the Christian tradition and worldview.....but.....during this time, as I understand and interpret it, most of the participants, most of the time, took an either or/black/white approach to such matters which often resulted in a sense of moral supremacy and assurance of certainity for the winners and heretical/pagan status for the losers....but....here is what I see as different in the current postmodern intellectual climate.....either or/blackwhite, is no longer the "only" or even the primary option for alot of folks, especially, when it comes to metaphysical questions, historical interpretations of the Christian tradition, and doctrinal conclusions about this or that....or the put it another way....both/and is now an "acceptable" if not perferable option for alot of folks....The implications....Did Jesus rise from the dead, walk on water, and heal the sick? Was he really born of virgin?....and.....did he pre-exist "before" he was born as John's Gospel asserts? I have my own opinion but "I" am no longer particularly interested in either asserting my own particular perspective nor do I believe it is probable that certainity can "ever" be achieved on such matters....which is why...."I" am willing to "live" and "accept" a both/and approach in the realm of metaphysics and theological interpretations, until or unless, new overwhelming evidence becomes self evident to me and everyone else in the future or a new fool proof Enlightment methology is introduced.....but....don't hold your breath.....things may become "somewhat" clearer in the future but history and the limits of the planet and the human race suggest to me that we will never achieve certainity or perfection. It's just the nature of the beast....anyway......back to my point.....Postmodernism, as I understand it, has effected the way we see and interpret the world and is "qualitatively" different, imo, from anything we have seen up to this point. In the past, Christians fought against each other, heretics, and the infidels, over this or that in an attempt to assert and impose their own interpretation of the Bible and reality and for what end? Not much to show for it from where I stand which is why I think alot of folks are more open to the idea of accepting a both/and approach when it comes to matters of metaphyics, doctrinal interpretation, and our acceptance/tolerance of the various/numerous Christian traditions which are a part of our history.......I hope this makes sense to anyone who might stumble across my attempt to communicate what I have been processing for quite a while now....

Post Easter Report

Iv'e been a bad, bad, bad boy. In the "ideal" world of blogging it is an unspoken assumption that one updates one's blog, at least, every couple of days. I noticed it has now been two weeks since I posted anything. I don't have any good excuse or reason for neglecting my blog and really have nothing to say other than my blog is my hobby and writing is "not" second nature to me as it is to many folks who regularly blog...besides....I am often a busy, busy, man and I often don't have much to say that I think would be much interest to most folks...which....was the case for the past two weeks. I had ten days off during the Easter/Spring break holidays this year but I really don't have much to report on. This year I split my time between visiting my mom and my girlfriends parents. I spent most of my time sitting around and socializing. Went to mass three times and other than that I didn't get out much. I'ts generally not the kind of vacation I enjoy. I like being outside and moving around doing this or that but my mom is getting up there in age and my girlfriend generally spends the holidays with her family so I sucked it up this year and went with the flow. Don't know how many, if any, Easters my mom has left so I do want to spend as much time with her as I can........... Since I was sitting around so much this year I did get in alot of reading. I read Crossan and Wright's book on the resurrection and polished off Bart Ehrman's books, Misquoting Jesus, and Lost Christianities: The Battles for Scripture and the Faiths We Never Knew. At the present time I have really gotten into the whole early church history and the battles and struggles between the various faith communities. I think it is critical for our understanding, interpretation, and application of faith and I believe it is particularly relevant to the increasingly pluralistic religious society we all live in....and....I find it stimulating and refreshing after spending most of my adult life looking at reality through the lens of a particular religious subculture. I also like Ehrman alot because he appears to know his stuff but doesn't write like he is simply talking to the other ivory tower academics, in other words, his books are understandable ......Not much to report on since I went back to work this week. We spent much of last week talking about and promoting the series of big tests next week which will determine our place as a school on the education food chain. I do what I have to do during these times but I find myself increasingly cynical about the whole No Child Left Behind reform movement, especially, it's emphasis on testing. I hate teaching to tests and each year I find myself spending more and more time preparing students for tests. It's taking all the fun and personal satifaction out of teaching, not to mention, creating a lot more stress for educators across the board....and....to add insult to injury....the expectations here in California are absolutely ridiculous, IMHO. Give it another three years and if there aren't any changes I won't be surprised to see the vast majority of schools on some kind of academic probation....anyway.....I'll wrap this up and get out of here before my ramblings on education turn into a monologue between me, myself, and I.

Quick Drive-By: Mammoth

Been pretty busy this week finishing things up at work and getting ready for Easter vacation. Heading up to see my mom in the bay area for the next four days before I head down to L.A. to finish up my vacation. Don't know if I will have excess to a computer for awhile so I thought I would do a quick cyberspace drive-by before I head out of town. Next week is supposed to be another wet and soggy week here in California so I don't expect to get outside much which is a bummer. I prefer to spend my vacation time outdoors but I can't complain too much since most folks don't get any time off at all during the Easter season. Besides, I'll make up for it later. I'ts looking like a banner year here in California with all the rain and snow over the past six weeks with more on the way. Mammoth Mountain, one of my favorite stomping grounds, just recorded they broke their record for most snowfall in one year. They are currently at over 600 inches of snow this year....and.....counting. That's right, over 50 feet of snow!...The ski resort will be open at least until July 4th this year and perhaps as late as the middle of July. I'll probably hang out in California this summer for vacation considering this is such a banner year for percipitation. Can't wait to go to Yosemite as soon as school is out and check out the raging water falls. Well....I better take off before it gets any later. I've got a long drive ahead of me and I do want to get there before too late. ....

Love is in the air

Over the past seven years I have been in the wilderness regarding my relationships with the "daughters of Eve". I went through a very difficult divorce and after years of marriage and individual counseling I was beginning to feel like I and the relationship department were a lost cause....but....tonight for the first time in a long, long, time I feel like I can finally see the light again after spending years wandering in the Mines of Moria. I can't go into details because of privacy issues but lets just say a major breakthrough occured in the communication and understanding department over the past 48 hours. At this time I am not predicting wedding bells or anything but I have arrived at a point of deep satisfaction regarding a relationship I am currently involved in....and.....for the first time in a long time I feel loved, wanted, and understood which I consider the "real gifts of the gods". I think one of the biggest mistakes in our society today regarding relationships is that getting married has become the goal or the ideal for people who are not married and want to get married. But, IMHO, marriage should not be the goal but rather the by product of a relationship built on mutual love, understanding, intimacy, and willingless to be vulnerable. I may sound like I am splitting hairs here a bit but I really do think we often put the horse before the cart if we place the emphasis on getting married rather than learning to develop the interpersonal skills that are needed to keep a marriage together over the long haul. I have put in alot of sweat and tears over the past five years and my faith in the possibility of love has been restored after I had almost lost all faith in that which we all deeply yearn for. As I stated earlier, I am not making any predictions but it is deeply gratifying to know that if you open up your heart and soul to love than love will eventually find it's way back to you at some point which in turn will generate the kind of hope and joy which we all need and deserve. Love has many angles and abounds in mystery but when it touches you, you will be changed. Love is the ultimate gift so when someone gives us the gift of love our only response ought to be gratitude and acceptance. May God open our eyes and our hearts to love and when we recieve this precious gift may we be moved to give the gift to others.

My tribute to Kern County

Went for a drive today in the local hills and mountains and took a few pictures. Kern County where I live is not particular pretty most of the year but the spring time can be quite pleasant if one takes the time to slow down and smell the roses. I drove for about five hours stopping here and there taking pictures, talking to the locals, and eating lunch. It was quite relaxing and it is good to just get out of the city even if it is only the local "Ozark" hills of Kern County. I've been spoiled to have travelled many of the great vacation spots in the Western U.S. and Canada but despite my self indulgence in the spectacular I can still appreciate the local backwoods near my house, at least, in the winter and spring. Summer and fall is another matter because the landscape is burn't to a crisp and the weather is hotter than a horny toad sitting still in the shade out in the Mojave desert fifty miles from my house. I love the spectacular sights and sounds of the Canadian Rockies, Redwood National Park, Yosemite, and the rest of the wonderful National Parks in the west but I need to get refreshed other than my three week vacation each summer and that is what I did today......Buck Owens, a local country music legend died last night in his sleep. I am not a country music fan but Buck was big around these parts. A local legend. Besides his contributions to the country music scene Buck's influence in my neck of the woods was everywhere. He apparently owned numerous country music stations around the nation and he owned one of the most popular restaurants in town where he and other local country music bands performed live on stage. I never went to the Crystal Palace where Buck and his Buckaroos hung out but it was a local favorite five star restaurant where alot of the wealthy types went for dinner and a night of honky tonk music. I actually met Buck Owens back in the 60's at my mom's house. Apparently Buck Owens used to come over to my mom and step dad's house and jam with him and some friends. My step father was apparently quite the steel guitar player back then and he knew and played with Buck Owens back in the sixites. Not sure if he ever played in his band but was told that Buck and him at least jammed on a regular basis. I remember meeting him one Sunday afternoon while visiting my mom. I was probably about seven or eight and really didn't know who he was but I do remember the sound of picking and the twang of the steel guitar that day. Later Buck Owens became somewhat of a national celebrity with the Hee Haw show. Don't know how popular it was nationally but it was a favorite in the house I grew up in. Well, this is my tribute to Kern County, the place where I have lived most of my life and the place where I may die when it is all said and done.....

A Little Bit of this and a Little Bit of that

Just noticed I haven't checked in for about ten days now. Not that I have a quota to meet or anything. Sometimes I am really busy and other times I just don't have much to say. Alot has happened on the homefront in the past ten days but I can't really go into details because of privacy concerns. Let's just say my two sons are going through a difficult transition period of their life. It's equally difficult and challenging for the parents as well but I have been particularly frustrated since I don't live with my two sons and therefore my interaction and influence is limited. I think I handled a very difficult situation last week pretty well but am just concerned how things will go from here. Parenting is challenging because there are no ready made handbooks that contain any magic formulas. Alot of it involves flying by the seat of your pants and just dealing with stuff as it comes up. As a parent I try not to control or micro-manage my sons lives and succeed most of the time but certain situtations demand more than a rah rah speech to do better. I've tried to approach the whole parent thing from mentors perspective and thus take advantage of challenging situations with teaching in mind. Good teaching, imo, does not involve just lecturing but rather should include asking questions, listening, and helping others to understand their options and teach decision making skills. That's my goal and approach as a parent but it is difficult at times because many of the other authority figures in thier lives "seem" to be more interested in controlling their behavior through psychological conditioning than teaching them the skills they will need to develop as responsible independent people....Been watching a little March Madness the last couple of weeks. Don't watch much college basketball during the season but love March Madness. It's the greatest sporting event in the world, IMO. It's pure and more unpreditable than many of the other high profile sporting contests and the only one that consistently lives up to it's hype. I don't have a favorite team that is still playing in the tournament at this time but did get a buzz off watching the LSU/Duke, Boston College/Villanova, and UCLA/Gonzaga games. Felt bad for Morrison but was estatic when LSU whopped up on Duke. At this stage I am rooting largely for the underdogs look forward to watching as much of the final sixteen games as time allows. Thank God for Tivo/DVR recorders!.....On the personal/self help/keeping my lent promise front I have been reading, writing, and contemplating about this or that. Just trying to learn and get myself out of the daily survival mode. Life shoudn't just be about learning how to survive and hang on. Living in the moment with self awareness and making choices that improve life for myself and others is an important goal but is a real challenge on a day to day basis. Sometimes I just get so flooded with anxiety, stress, or emotions I don't even know how to identify. "Intellectually" at this stage I understand that I need to learn how to attend, befriend, and surrender to the "dark" and difficult emotions but not sure what that exactly entails or how to break some of the bad habits associated with attempting to supress/repress negative emotions that are so easy triggered. It's the accumulation of the day to day stuff that I find most challenging. The big stuff often seems easier for me to handle. Perhaps it is because I am more focused because I know the stakes are high. I'ts all a process. Two steps forward, a step back, and so on. At the present I am trying to not judge or condemn myself when I don't live up to my own sense of self awareness and see mself entering into an experimental phase where I think I need to change how I do or respond to this or that. It's kind of exciting but frustrating as well especially when I see mself slipping back into patterns that only bring temporarily relief to the dark emotions that haunt our souls......Recently took a trip to the snow and tried my hand at black and white photos. Included a couple of pictures with this post. Intend to take some more tomorrow as I am planning a three or four hour road trip out through the foothills before all the grass dies which usually happens before April is over. It has been unusually cold for this time of the year but I am not complaining because I know the hot weather is on the way...

It's a beautiful day

After a gloom and doom blog report yesterday I thought I would share a little sushine from my neck of the woods. Most of the year around here in the Bake it's a literal hellhole. 90 plus degree weather for three months and 100 plus for the other three. July and August are brutal and September often isn't much better. The air quality is terrible much of the year and the combination of dust and particulate matter is some of the worst in the country. Oil fields scatter the outlying areas and trash deposits line all the roads and if you dare check out the local foothills you will find T.V.s, couches, mattresses, and Lord knows what else. I know you aren't suppose to bag on your city but I am just telling it like it is....and...I ain't the only one....Bakersfield is regulary mentioned in various magazines as one of the least desirable cities to live in....and now the sunshine report.....but for the past two days it has been absolutely beautiful around here. 60 degree tempertatures, a light north to south wind and those puffy little clouds floating here and there. The mountains are covered with snow, finally, and the hills are green. Even the birds are out in full force and they are chirping up a storm. I know these ideal conditions won't last long but while it is here I am going to try to enjoy it and soak in the sights, sounds, and wonderful sunshine that is currently making it's presence known to those of us here who live in the Bake........

Doom and Gloom

As I read this or that and watch the local or national evening news I can't help feeling pretty depressed about what is happening in this country and abroad. Is there any good news to report anymore? Iraq is a mess, the Middle East is a ticking time bomb, the national real estate market appears to positioning itself to crash and burn anytime soon, the national budget deficit is growing, and growing and growing while our political leaders remain asleep at the wheel, and the rising cost of medical services, gasoline, energy, etc., all add up to bad, bad, news.....and.....does anyone seriously think things are going to get better any time soon?....or even pretty soon?.......Bush's speeches ring hollow and his recent approval ratings reflect that no one is buying what he has to sell anymore except for the loyal diehards who no doubt will stand by their man no matter what....Just wish I could find something positive on the national or international scene to hang my hat on. Doom and gloom aside for a moment....I know there are individual stories out there about people who are making a difference in this world, locally, nationally, and internationally. Mother Teresa may no longer be with us but her legion of inspired disciples are alive and well in this country and abroad. I also know that before things can get better they may have to get worse. It's the nature of the beast or what some may call Murphy's Law...and a personal note.....Personally I can't and don't want to complain, except for my tax situation which I already vented about the other day. I have about a secure job as one can have and have been at it for almost 20 years now. Even got a nine percent raise just the other day. Have a roof over my head, good health, and family and freinds who love me. My car runs and hell I possess all the latest gadgets a middle class man could ever want. My housing situation ain't particulary ideal but I intend on buying up some nice forclosure property as soon as the real estate market hits rock bottom in a couple of years...wishful thinking.....back to doom and gloom....Hope I am wrong but do now strongly suspect we are in for some tough times on numerous fronts in the decade to come and am particularly concerned for the future of my children and all the folks who get caught in the middle of what I fear may be coming. Just hope we can avoid an international and national crisis like another World War and a full blown economic/energy crisis. And hope.....and hope.....we can begin to turn things around before we do too much more damage. Surely people can now see we have been headed down the wrong paths on numerous fronts. Don't want to blame it all on the politicians and surely there is enough blame to go around, for us all. The hour is late and we all need to wake up, move beyond denial, and do what we can in our own little place in the world and may we do so with courage, passion, and wisdom....The sun hasn't been out much in the last couple of weeks which is highly unusual for this time of the year and perhaps that is contributing to my sense of gloom and doom. Also concede I have a terrible pessimistic streak in me which rears it's ugly head from time to time....but.....I also suspect it ain't just all in my head. Too many bad indicators out there to at least make one take seriously the concerns that I and others are raising. We live in a great country in many regards and just hope and pray that we can again rise to meet the latest challenge that faces us all. The world is watching...and...our children and grandchildren deserve better....

The Ups and Downs of Life

My life has been alot like the weather this week. One day it is sunny and warm and the next it is cold, rainy and windy. The week started out with my two sons birthday party. It was nice to have my mom join us all for their little birthday party that I arranged but unfortunately none of their friends that I invited were able to make it to the birthday bash which I know disappointed them. I took them shopping the next day and I think overall they were grateful for the efforts I made to make their birthday special. I don't have too many fond memories of my own birthday growing up as a kid and therefore I don't want my two sons to experience what I went through. Birthdays are supposed to be special and I think we owe our loved ones the effort to make birthdays, Christmas, and holidays in general special times of the year, no matter whether those we love have been naughty or nice.......Woke up this morning to the coldest day of the year. Coldest day on record for this day. It has hovered in the 40's all day long which is extremely unusual for my neck of the woods. Generally it is in the 70's by now. Even hailed about an hour ago and the foothills outside of town are covered in snow. It's been a real bizarre winter. No rain in January or February and seventy degree temperatures and now it is rainy and cold. Very weird.....Went to get my taxes done this morning and boy was I shocked. Last year I got several thousand back but this year I may owe several thousand!...Wasn't expecting it but I guess that is what happens when you don't have any property or family to claim as dependents. Ouch!....I'm bummed to say the least but am trying to use this opportunity to learn how to handle the "dark emotions" which is a goal I made to myself for lent. It's not the money that is hardest to handle. I've got the spare change to handle the situation. I'ts the nasty dark emotions that flooded me when I got the bad news. You know, the anxiety, the insecurities, the feeling that this isn't fair. Intellectually I know I can't control the variables surrounding my tax situation this year but I don't have to succumb to the potential fallout of the anxiety created by such bad news......Anyway.....rather than mope about something that is now out of my hands I have decided to follow up on my Lent promise and post a few thoughts and quotes from the books Healing the Dark Emotions. If listening to the rants and mumblings of a quasi armchair psychobabbler doesn't float your boat than skip this section. No harm no foul. It's therapeutic for me and that's the point and hopefully these musings will be more counterproductive than trying to repress or escape the nasty emotions triggered by the bad tax news from the state and the feds.......Here's a few excerpts from Miram Greenspan's book for those who have ears to hear........"Whether we listen to them or not, the dark emotions will emerge. One way or another, they exert their call through our body---as an act of grace or an act of violence, a cancerous growth or a surge of creative energy. Dark emotions don't go away. They simply come to us in whatever form we can bear".....A couple of thoughts regarding Job......"Jobs first comforter tells him that his faith will protect him from harm. The second Comforter reasons that since God is just, Job must be guilty of some offense and his suffering justified. The third urges the innocent Job to repent of his sins. How hollow then is your comfort! Your answers are empty lies, Job replies. Job rails. What he asks his friends is to be accompanied in his pain and outrage. This is just what they cannot do. Instead, they blame Job for his adversity and explain it away, offering cheap salves that add a sharp bite to Job's blistering wounds. Their conventional theologies are their armor, protecting them against the vicarious experience of Job's radical vulnerability".......For the record....My tax situation is not analogous to anything experienced by Job....dah....but I find the story interesting because of the way Job's comforters interpreted and processed what Job was going through. Judgment, shame, and guilt are often the name of the game but I am learning that we most often need to learn to sooth the dark emotions that we experience in our day to day lives and not act as Job's comforters to ourselves or those that live amongst us.......

My Own Version of Lent

I am not a Catholic and stopped trying to quit this or that years ago after I realized that the pressure of quitting some of my favorite vices seemed to make matters worse because they were coping strategies to reduce stress/pressure to begin with. Now I try keeping on top of the underlying stressors and that generally reduces the compulsions to a minimum which allows me to cope with life without going off the deep end. I mention all of this because Lent or the act of giving up stuff doesn't really float my boat but reading what others have to say about Lent has inspired me to come up with my own version of Lent which I intend to give a whirl until Easter. Rather than give something up during the Lent season I have decided to try to "follow through" with something I have started a number of times now. Last October I posted a piece on my blog about a book I read last year called Timeshifting by Stephan Rechtschaffen, M.D., and I intended to write a series of pieces which included quotes from the book but I got sidetracked with this or that. I prefer to blame my lack of following through on the success of the USC football team but my shrink tells me I need to take more personal responsibility. Acutally, my shrink doesn't know about my compulsion with USC football and I don't think I need to bring it up since the football season in now over. Seriously, following through with things, especially reading books, is a problem I confess/concede and therefore I thought I would be a good idea to stick to my intention to post a series of pieces on my blog between now and Easter regarding the books Timeshifting and Healing Through the Dark Emotions which is another book I find myself going back to time and time again. I realize my own twist on Lent may not follow traditional lines but do consider it following the Spirit of the Law if not the letter. Besides, drawing closer to God is the point of it all and I consider this activity something inspired from above and beneficial to me which I suspect will benefit others indirectly as well. So, without further fanfare here are a few quotes from the book Timeshifting for my edification and hopefully the edification for others who may read this blog......

Timeshifting........To be aware of time, we must develop new attitudes and new skills. This involves focusing on one thing at a time, learning to slow down and notice---really experience---our physical and emotional states. It involves reacquainting ourselves with our senses, our friends, our spouses, our children, and just what it is to be in this moment. It involves learning when to speed up (increasing the speed of our rhythm can be as valuable as decreasing it) and when and how to downshift. It involves facing ourselves directly, and truly showing up in each moment of our lives....There is only the present; there is only what is at hand.".......more......."For the past hundred years or so, Western society has set an overly fast rhythum, a rhythm that varies only in that it is continually getting faster, urging us to do more, produce more, learn more. All our machines are geared to be the acceleration of an already too-frantic speed. Computers, faxes, voice mail, Email, the Internet, portable phones, automatic redial: These are handy for business and sometimes convenient, but they each add to the speed of the rhythum around us, constantly increasing the pressure---allowing us little tiem for reflection and none for feelings"......and now a few words from Healing through the Dark Emotions......Emotional suffering, as I write about it here, is not a sign of mental disorder or illness. It's a universal fact of life...A culture that insists on labeling suffering as pathology, that is ashamed of suffering as a sign of failure or inadequacy, a culture bent on quick fix for emotional pain, inevitably ends up denying both the social and spiritual dimensions of our sorrows"....more......"I've seen again and again that the essence of healing emotional pain lies in listening to what hurts--in both knowing how to listen to oneself and being listened to by others....If we are unable to tolerate some discomfort, it's hard to listen to dark feelings in ourselves and others. Our best, most compassionate intentions are thwarted, our connections marred by the shadow of intolerable emotions. We become inured to the incessant cacophony of the world's suffering, limited in our authenticity and responsiveness. And we suffer from not knowing the darker side of ourselves".......

Befriending Our Emotional Beasts

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious. C.G. Jung........I've been bouncing around alot lately regarding the books I have been reading. One day I am tackling politics, the next it's religion, or whatever suits my fancy or particular interest or need at the moment, but, one book I keep coming back to is a book I read last year called Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair, by internationally know psychotherapist Miriam Greenspan. Greenspan is well aquainted with the dark emotions of the soul having parents who lived in concentration camps during WWII and losing her first son Aaron shortly after he was born to a tragic death. Over the past six years I have had my fair share of grief and struggles myself on several fronts which is probably why I have made a connection with the book and it's author. I have recently decided to read the book again and intend to take my time and read it more carefully this time around and ponder it's implications for my own life. To supplement my reading I have also decided to share some quotes from the book on my blog. I find these types of exercises therapeutic for me but I also hope others might find the entries interesting, helpful, inspiring, insightful or thought provoking......

Healing Through the Dark Emotions:..........."This book will argue that our emotional illiteracy as a species has less to do with our inability to subdue negative emotions than it does with our inability to authentically and mindfully feel them. What looks like a problem with emotional control actually has its source ina widespread ignorance about how to tolerate painful emotional energies and use these energies for emotional, spiritual, and social transformation. And while emotional control has its uses, it is transformation that our anguished world so urgently calls for. In particular, we need to honor three basic emotions that are an inevitable part of every life: grief, fear, and despair......The inability to tolerate grief, fear, and despair, as most any psychologist knows, is a major feature of the epidemic of addictions to alchohol, drugs, technology, entertainment, work, sex, etc. that afflicts our civilization....In my view, there are no negative emotions, just unskilled ways of coping with emotions we can't bear....Grief, despair, and fear are really neither positive or negative but simply human emotions; it is our attitude toward them that's negative. The dark emotions can be our best guide, albeit most demanding, spiritual teachers, when we get beyond the compulsion to control them. By learning how to attend to, befriend, and surrender to the energies of grief, despair, and fear, we create the conditions for something new to arise in ourselves and in the world. We discover an unexpected gateway to healing and transformation."

Books, Books, and more Books

Books, books, books. Recently recieved my latest shipment of books from amazon which included several travel books and four books on religion/theology. If one is looking for self guided travel books I would highly, highly, recommend the Moon Handbooks series. I currently own about ten of their books and I appreciate the fact that they are not commercial advertisements in the way that many travel books tend to be. I also appreciate the attention to detail that is found in all of their books. Hiking and biking trails, campgrounds, museums, tourist attractions, maps, hotel accomodations, and even quaint local coffee and donuts shops are mentioned and desribed in all their books. Generally if I am travelling and planning to stay in an area for a week or more I will generally pick up a copy of one of their books. The books are generally written by local people who have actually been to most of the places they are describing. I have yet to be disappointed by any of their books......My religious book purchases.... I recently purchased four books which included Introducing Theologies of Religion, Paul Knitter, The Resurrection of Jesus, Crossan and Wright, and Lost Christianities, and Misquoting Jesus, both by Bart Ehrman. My reading has been really sporadic over the past couple of years but recently found myself energized to tackle some new relgious works which were recommended by friends or people I know. Am currently reading Ehrman's Misquoting Jesus: The Story Behind Who Changed the Bible and Why. Am really enjoying the book. Ehrman spent a significant amount of time in the conservative/fundamentalist Christian subculture during his youth and even graduated from Moody Bible College. Later he went on to Princeton where he recieved his doctrinate and is currently the head of the religious studies department at the University of North Carolina. Really like the book because it is written in a user friendly style for folks like myself who are interested in Textual Criticism/recent academic discoveries, but can get can bogged down trying to hang with some of the big dogs who roam the hallways of religious academia these days. My knowledge of religious modern scholarship is more than most average religious laymen/women but still is pretty general compared to the academics. Ehrman's book goes into alot of detail but in a way that any educated layperson who is interested can follow. I don't have much detailed knowledge about the whole canonization process or the theories behind how the biblical texts were copied and passed down. Ehrman's book provides plenty of detail and would recommend it to anyone who wants to know more about the subject. Will probably tackle Crossan/Wright's book on the resurrection next considering it is Easter season and look forward to Knitter's book on Theologies of Religion because I have become increasingly convinced that Christianity does not contain the "exclusive" truth about God or the way we should live and look forward to learning more about the relationship between Christianity, world religions, and religious pluralism. Just hope I can stick with it all. My life gets pretty hectic during the week and it has become increasingly difficult as I have gotten older to sustain any strict reading schedule.......

Trees, Trees, Trees

Went to Joshua Tree National Park this past week-end and took a few pictures of the Joshua trees and the spectacular rock formations in an area called the Wonderland of Rocks. Later that evening I took the family to Pioneertown for some country grub at Pappy and Harriet's Pioneer Palace which is listed as the "best honkey-west of the Colorado River." Don't particularly like country music or western surroundings but confess I found the country folk very interesting and a bit charming in their own sort of way. Felt like I was in a time warp as I watched people dressed in coon skin caps, Minnie Pearl outfits, and Harley Bikers who were dressed to kill. Really felt out of place since I was the only guy in the joint wearing Columbia shorts and sporting a North Face cap which are the obvious signs of a white middle class granola eating yuppie. Left the granola bars in the car and ordered a tri-tip steak in an attempt to fit in. Figured it must of worked since none of the country folk hassled me nor did any of the Hells Angels challenge me to an arm wrestling contest....Back to the pictures I took. Have become fasinated this past year with trees for some reason. Something about them that sparks my interest. Perhaps it is the snowflake quality. Each tree is uniquely different if you look closely and perhaps it is the uniqueness that appeals to me since conformity and standardization on numerous fronts is par for the course these days....but....whatever the reason, I am fasinated by their appearance and thought I would pass along some of the trees I have captured this past year on my camera. Enjoy....

Top Ten List Volume One

Have this three day week-end to myself and thought I would take the time to list my favorite songs of all time. What is the critera for my top ten list? Nothing particularly fancy, sophisticated, or scientific and certainly don't claim any objectivity. These are songs that I just never get tired of listening to and they frequently generate an emotional response everytime I hear them. That's the criteria, pure and simple. None of the songs are less than a few years old and some of them go back to my teenage years and I may have left out a few favorites that slipped my mind. The following list is not in any particular order of perference. 10 doesn't mean least favorite and one doesn't mean favorite. Just listing them in order as they pop into my head...so...without any further ado, here is the list....

1. Your Song: Elton John.....This is the first song I remember as a teenager. I was in love and remember listening to this song over and over and over while I fantasized about a girl named Karen. Sat nexted to her in the sixth grade and my infatuation with her lasted until my freshmen year when I saw here walking down the hallway, hand in hand, with a varsity football player. Big time reality check. Lost the girl, not that I ever had her, but never lost the love for the song......

2. Nights in White Satin: Moody Blues.... Used to listen to this song on local FM stations late at night. Something really haunting, in a beautiful and surrealistic way, about the song. Can't put it into words. The use of the Orchestra and the poem at the end make it unique in the annuals of rock and roll history. Still get the chills everytime the song comes on. No personal story behind the song other than it connects with my subconcious in some way I don't really understand...

3. Annie Lennox: Into the West....While the credits begin to roll in the last chapter of the Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, the voice of Annie Lennox fills the theatre and my soul. The highlight of my movie going experience. I could have sat there for hours listening to this song over and over and over. Beautiful song. Alan Lee's sketches provided the backdrop to the credits and the combination of Annie Lennox's masterpiece created a magical moment for me. Doesn't get any better than this. Was the last person in the theatre to leave and will take this experience to the grave with me....and hopefully beyone into eternity where my soul will rest somewhere "Into the West"......

4. Jeremy: Pearl Jam.......Eddie Vedder at his best. The song builds to a climax at the end and leaves this listener deeply moved by the raw emotion of the song which is complimented by equally moving lyrics. Powerful song which reminds the listener that all is not well in the suburbs of modern America.....

5. Strange Waters: Bruce Cockburn......The anthem of my life during the late nineties and early 2000's....Reminds me of my humanity and the mystery of life. It's a mystical rock and roll song which more than any other song reflects the yearnings of my heart and my emotions. Cockburn may not be a household rock and roll superstar but his music and this song in particular is deep and emotionally satisfying to this listener....

6. A Child of the Wind: Bruce Cockburn....This song sums up how I feel about myself these days and captures the essence of my identity. "I am" a child of wind and this song reminds me that I wouldn't have it any other way....

7. Seascapes: Michael Jones....Started listening to this song/album over twenty two years ago. The songs on this album all kind of blend together into one and bring a peace to my soul that is only rivaled by the silence of the desert or walking in the forest in Redwood National Park.

8. What Sweeter Music: Cambridge Singers/John Rutter....If heaven is a place beyond this world and angels really do exist and can sing than I am sure they must sound like the Cambridge Singers. If the sound of angels is better than the Cambridge Singers than the desription of heaven mentioned in the Bible is justified....

9. Bad, Sunday Bloody Sunday, With or Without You, 40: U-2......Don't really have a favorite U-2 song but since they are my favorite band I really couldn't leave them off the list. Their music doesn't touch me as profoundly as many of the songs I have mentioned but the body of their work and their concert performances, in particular, have added alot of joy and satisfaction to my life, therefore I couldn't leave them off the list...

10. No clear cut number ten song so I will just mention a few songs that pop into my head to finish off the list.....Come down in time: Elton John, Oliver: Good Morning Sunshine, I Can't see New York: Tori Amos, and The Crininal Under my own Hat: T-Bone Burnett....May have left some off the list but when you get as old as I am getting your memory has a hard time registering it all sometimes......

Follow up to Brokeback Mountain

Just finished a long discussion with a friend tonight regarding the film Brokeback Mountain. I am continually amazed at how much some people seem to know about films they have not seen. Didn't realize one could ascertain motives and know so much about a film without actually having to go to the theatre. Perhaps in the future I will save my money and just listen to what others have to say about a film since second hand information passed down by apparently objective religious/political pundits who haven't seen the film, either, appears more reliable than first hand experience....sarcasm aside....The conversation started with a bang but proved to be beneficial to me because it brought to the surface some ideas and strong feelings I apparently have about the issue of homosexuality. I can understand the aversion most folk have towards homosexuality, especially the act itself...after all...the vast majority of people are heterosexual and have strong desires and feelings for the opposite sex....but....I am becoming increasingly convinced that there is a strong double standard towards gays, in general, and this film brings this to the surface, imo. I went to see the film by myself last week because I don't know a single soul in my neck of the woods who would touch this film with a ten foot pole. Again, I think I understand the aversion, but I do not understand how so many folks can make the kind of assertions they do about a film without taking the time to check it out themselves. Apparently God does not approve of seeing a film that depicts illicit sex....and.....God does not approve of same sex relationships........ O.K.....Don't assert that I know the mind or will of God on this matter but do know that the same folks who are boycotting this film also don't believe God approves of materialism, affairs, sex outside of marriage, greed, anger, racism, and a whole host of other sins...but....I don't see the same passion to boycott other films that contain other objectable behavior. Seems like a double standard to me....and.... that's what bugging me the most about this film. Also, I can't help thinking that the filmakers efforts to humanize the characters in the film is what they subconsciously may find most troubling because true awareness of the other and oneself is needed to bring about lasting change and perhaps that is what is bothering most folks...