Recently I have been following the blog of a friend of mine who has been telling the story of their journey of faith and it has inspired me to tell my own story. Personally I find reading and writing stories of our lives very helpful, empowering, therapeutic and critically important to self awareness and the transformation process....so....without rambling any further here's the first part of the adventures of Bilbo

But before we begin....A quick reference to my nickname Bilbo, in case you were wondering...

The nickname Bilbo was first coined by my close friend Damon Johnson back in 1989 in reference to my “obsession” with anything related to the Lord of the Rings. Personally I really don’t mind because hobbits are so cute, cuddly, and likeable, for the most part, and sharing a little celebrity status with the hero of the The Hobbit is just fine with me. Now, if the film studios could just get their act together and start working on the production of the Hobbit I anticipate my reputation could reach new legendary status. Recently, thanks to Jackson's LOTR's masterpiece, my nephew Frodo has upstaged me in the hero department but that could change if Weta Workshop and the grand wizard himself, Peter Jackson, have thier way...afterall....before there was the story of Frodo's travels to Mordor and back there was own my adventure of encounters with Trolls, a dragon named Smaug, and those obnoxious dwarfs....


Preface:

My story/adventure will chronicle and emphasize my journey of faith and my relationship with Christianity and the Christian subculture over the past 30 years. I will limit details regarding my personal "family history" because of privacy issues, except, when I consider it critically necessary for context and understanding.

The Beginning

I was born in 1957 in Santa Cruz California and was adopted by my grandparents when I was one year old shortly after my parents divorced. I don’t know any of the circumstances behind my parents divorce because I never really knew my father or my mother. Over the years, I saw my father only a handful of times and I have not seen or had any contact with my mother since 1975. Over the years,I never really thought much about the situation with my parents but I now realize that my parents abandonment of me has caused some long lasting determental effects on my interpersonal relationship with others and the Christian subculture, in general.

Both of my grandparents are from Oklahoma and they came to California in the 1940's to work in the fields which I guess makes me a descendant of the Okies which may help explain my homespun personality and writing style. Neither of my grandparents graduated from high school and I am not even certain if they ever attended high school to tell you the truth. I don’t remember too much about my childhood and I suspect it was pretty normal until I reached Junior High. During the 7th grade my grandfather was rushed to the hospital one day with a blood clot in his leg and 24 hours later he unexpectably died. This was a dramatic event particularly for my mother because she was totally dependant upon my grandfather. When he died she had never worked outside the home, had no education, and couldn't even drive for herself. She never did learn how to drive. To this day I don't know how she raised my sister and I. The death of my grandfather also had a dramatic effect on my life as well. When my grandfather died I was immediately thrown into the role as “the man of the house” and that’s when I began to identify myself as a caretaker, a role that I have carried on into my adult life and into many of my relationships. I was forced to become self sufficient and independent both physically and emotionally at a very young age. I started working full time in the summers when I was only 14 years old and I worked during the school year part time during all four years of high school. I mention all this to say that this probably helps explain why I have developed into a somewhat nuanced independent thinker. I didn't really have any authority figures to turn to for guidance or emotional support much of the time so I turned to the only resources at my disposal which was me...which...also might help to explain why I don't like people telling me what and how to think. Appeals to authority or systematic thought just don't work with me, especially if combined with manipulative tactics of guilt, shame, or appeals to God or country.



Introduction to Christianity

Although my parents did not attend church they did send me to church each week on the Sunday School bus so I was introduced and I guess you could say indoctrinated into the Christian subculture at an early age. I really enjoyed going to church for the most part, probably because of the social angle, and my interest in Church lasted until about my fresmen year in high school at which time I stopped going. Although I don’t remember too much about going to church as a young child I do remember that I did have a lot of fear and anxiety regarding hell. For years I used to have a recurring dream where the devil was dressed as an airline attendant. I could see him standing at the bottom of the steps of the plane waiting to take my ticket but somehow I intuitively understood that the plane was going to hell. I don’t remember ever boarding the plane but I do remember the devil working very hard to entice me to get on the plane and I always woke up before I boarded the plane. To this day I have no idea why I had this recurring dream but I now suspect it might have had something to do with the “hell and brimstone sermons” that were regularly preached in the Baptist/Fundamentalist churches I attended as a child back in the 1960’s. …By the time I reached the eighth grade I no longer wanted to go to church for some reason so I faked being sick so I wouldn't have to go to church. Eventually my mom stopped bugging me go to church and I don’t remember going back to church on a regular basis until my “spiritual” awakening” during my senior year in high school.

My first Christian Spiritual Awakening

Although I didn’t go to church during most of my high school years the vast majority of my close friends were Christians and some of them made a few feeble attempts to convert me from time to time or ask me to go to church but I resisted all of their sincere attempts to convert me although I did go to church with them from time to time. I don’t remember enjoying going to church with my friends and I suspect I may have intuitively associated Christianity with guilt, fear, and shame and I experienced enough of those feelings at home and at school on a regular basis so I probably saw no need for Christianity but that would all change in the summer of my senior year in high school…My initial Christian Spiritual Awakening or Born Again experience occurred about one week after my mom was converted by a door to door Pentecostal evangelist by the name of Brother John. Brother John was an enthusiastic evangelist who showed up at our doorstep one hot afternoon in August and I remember him as a very charismatic individual who was on “fire for the Lord” as we used to say. I don’t remember any of the details of how or why my mom decided to let Brother John into our house that hot day in August but my mom was a lonely woman who carried a tremendous burden of trying to raise my sister and I without much support and therefore she must have had a great need for God or something to comfort and help her through many dark times. One week after my mom’s conversion Brother John asked me if I wanted to pray the “sinners prayer” and I said yes, probably in large part, because I didn’t want to disappoint my mom. My mom’s approval meant the world to me at the time and I am sure that I intuitively understood that becoming a Christian would please her. Initially I really didn’t “feel” any different after I prayed the sinner’s prayer but as time passed I began to feel more and more deeply moved by the love of God as I read the scriptures and listened to Christian music. Christian music played an important role in my early development and I still have very fond memories of listening to Love Song, Evie, Chuck Girard, Larry Norman and the rest of the Maranatha gang....Shortly after my initial conversion experience I met a sweetheart of a Christian girl named Carol and we started going to a small fundamentalist Freewill Baptist church together and during the next 3 to 4 months I was on an emotional high like I never experienced before and I have many fond memories of feeling really loved unconditionally for the first time in my life but the deep love that initially melted me would gradually began to wane as I became more involved in the world of Christian legalism.

Me and Gumby, two peas in a pod

Ever feel like you are being pulled in every direction?...or...that everyone wants a piece of you?...Now I know what poor Gumby must of felt like. Growing up a kid I used to love watching Gumby, Pokey, and his friends, along with my other favorite clay animation t.v. show, Davey and Goliath. I also remeber twisting and pulling on my own Gumby toy as I watched the show each week. Today I feel like what Gumby must of felt like, if he could have had feelings...getting philosophical for a moment...I understand that having others depend on you comes with the territory when you are 48 years old, financially secure, a father, and at least appear to be stable to most folks around you...and...I also understand that one does not need to give into every need/want or desire of those who ask for your help...and...I also understand that most of the time I just need to suck it up and be a man...but...sometimes...I just wish others could be a litte bit more considerate/appreciative and not throw a tantrum when you say no or ask that your'e needs and wants be considered....Just had to get that off my chest this morning...I won't belabor the point any further and will be back to my regular schedule programming later...today...or tomorrow...

Gnosticsm Part II

The author of the Apocalypse of Peter writes, "Others....outside our number...call themselves bishops and also deacons, as if they had received their authority from God....those people are waterless canals".....talk about throwing down the gauntlet... The conflict between the Gnostics and their orthodox rivals was no doubt, in large part over the question of authority. The gnostics believed they possessed authority within their own spirit and souls and therefore didn't believe they had to obey or submit to the Church leaders....while....the church leaders at the time saw the Gnostics as arrogant and a threat to what they believed was an established order based on the nature of the relationship of the Godhead.....This concludes my brief exploration into the world of the Gnostics. I hope this helps. I will be heading off to Yosemite in a couple of days so you can all chew on this last round of Gnostic teachings and history for the next couple of days.....

The Gnostics practiced a "strict form of equalitarianism" whenever they gathered outside of the normal orthodox gatherings. Apparently they would caste lots to see who would lead and conduct their meetings and everyone, including women, were eligible to participate in the drawings.

The Gnostics were portrayed as rebels and arrogant for refusing to obey the church hierarchy simply out of obedience to God...but...where does that place Luther, George Fox, and Paul Tillich who criticized both Protestant and Catholic churches for going along with nationalistic and fascist governments?

The Gospel of Thomas says: "For whoever will make herself male will enter the Kingdom of Heaven".....O.K., so some of the Gnostics weren't all that liberated, or at least they don't sound like it....but, other Gnostic texts conclude that God is both masculine and feminine because both men and women were created in God's image while others claimed God is neither male and female and these are just metaphors...

Many Gnostic authors attacked martyrdom especially when associated with the purchase for eternal life (Tertullian) or as a human offering to God. "Such belief makes God into a cannibal"

Heracleon, a popular gnostic teacher "considers the question, What does it mean to confess Christ? He expains that people confess Christ in different ways. Some confess Christ in their everyday conduct. However, most people consider only the second type of confession---making a verbal confession ( I am a Christian) before a magistrate. Heracleon points out, even hypocrites can make this confession. What is universally required of all Christians is the first type of confession. The second type is reserved for some, but not all."

The Gnostics were radical dualists and believed the material world is evil and the world of the Spirit is good which helps explain their asceticism and "the strict regulation and harsh treatment of the body. Their logic was that since the body is evil, it should be punished".....On this condition alone I would have made a bad Gnostic...but...apparently their emphasis on an inherently evil world, struck a cord with alot of people and their experiences.

The Gnostics are often charged as spiritual elitists, and they were, but Ehrman reminds us that "Christianity in all its forms has always had its spiritual elite, the insiders who have special insight into the true meaning of the faith, a cut above the rest of us in their nuanced understanding of God, the world, and our place in it." Do popular Christian writers, radio celebrites, and mega-church pastors ring a bell?

Many have asserted or suggested that Gnosticsm's elitism and esoteric teachings doomed them in the end...but...apparently the early church wasn't as confident of their predicted demise, otherwise, it is diffifult to explain the "massive expenditure of time and energy devoted to rooting out the Gnostic heretics, spurning their views, maligning their persons, destroying their writings, and elimanating their influence"

William Blake once stated, "Both read the Bible day and night; But you read black while I read write"...This accurately describes the great gulf between the gnostics and orthodox when it came to reading scripture....According to Elaine Pagels the orthodox tend to look for "morals" in the narrative stories while the Gnostics assume there are deeper meanings in the stories.

A Primer on Gnosticism: Part I

Since I started blogging about a year and a half ago I have limited my entries, for the most part to, the latest happenings, personal pop culture interests, a little bit of armchair psychology and general ramblings about this or that. I have said very little about politics, religion, and some of my other intellectual interests because I talk about such matters on various discussion groups over at yahoogroups.com. After some recent reflection I think I will begin adding a few of my thoughts about religion, politics, philosophy, etc. because it is an important part of who I have become. If this aspect of my blogging interests you I would encourage you to leave a comment from time to time or visit http://groups.yahoo.com/group/pomoxian which is my home base where I discuss most of my thoughts on such matters. The folks over at Pomoxian have played a critically important role in my on going spiritual/intellectual development and they are just good folks to interact and hang out with...thanks Dave, Julie, the other Dave's, Rick, Kal, Chris, and all the other
folks who have participated and contributed to the ongoing discussions over the years....So, without further ado, here is something I posted over at Pomoxian recently about the subject of Gnosticism.

For most of my life I knew nothing about Gnosticsm. Gnostics were
heretics and that meant one need not learn anything more about
them....but....gradually I learned a little bit here and a little bit
there as I read a few books and watched a number of television shows
on the Gnostics. Recently the mysterious veil of Gnosticsm has been
lifted due to the discovery of their texts earlier in this century and
the popularity of Dan Brown's novel the Da Vinci Code. Brown's book in
particular has stimulated a plethora of books and television shows on
the Gnostics and therefore alot more is now known about this group of
people and their teachings that remained in the shadows, out of sight
and out of mind, for a very long time. Following are some of the
things I found interesting about thier teachings and history that I
hadn't known before. Personally, I have no particular interest in
becoming a Gnostic any time soon but I do find thierhistory
sociologically relevant, especially, for those who find themselves on
the outside looking in, and, I do think many of their ideas/teachings
are important and relevant for discussions about Christianity. Bear in
mind, the Gnostics were as varied as many denominational groups are
today so the following comments/quotes are intended to be general
statements which may not apply to all Gnostic groups or individuals.....

While the Gnostic texts that were discovered at Nag Hammadi in the
1940's have been dated to around the years 350 to 400, the original
texts themselves apparently are much older. We know this because the
early church fathers mention their writings as early as 120-150 A.D.,
and the Gospel of Thomas may be much older. "Some" believe it may be
as old, or older than the four Gospels.

We don't have very many copies of Gnostic writings, apparently,
because after Constantine's conversion in the fourth century,
"possession of heretical books was made a criminal offense and the
books were banned and burned"

The discovery of the 52 Gnostic texts at Nag Hammadi is important
because "we may have to recognize and now admit that early
Christianity is far more diverse than anyone expected"

Before the discovery in Nag Hammadi we only knew about the Gnostics
from the writings of some of the early church fathers. Some of the
early church fathers wrote volumnes upon volumnes attacking the
Gnostics and other heretics which suggests they were influential and a
serious threat to be taken seriously.

Some scholars, such as Professor R.M. Grant, has "suggested that
gnosticism emerged as a reaction to the shattering of traditional
religious views--Jewish and Christian--after the Romans destroyed
Jerusalem in 70 A.D."....and.....others now speculate that after the
destruction of Jerusalem, "many people felt profoundly aliented from
the world in which they lived, and longed for a miraculous salvation
as an escape from the constraints of political and social
existence."...which may help to explain thier "pessimistic world view"
and their attempts at "self-transendence"

Gnostics reject a literal interpretation of the resurrection and they
"interpret resurrection in various ways. Some say the person who
experiences the resurrection does not meet Jesus raised physically
back to life; rather, he encounters Christ on a spiritual level. This
may occur in dreams, in escatic trance, in visions, or in moments of
spiritual illumination"....If I understand this correctly, the
gnostics didn't deny the resurrection, but rather they believe the
recorded reports of Jesus found in the four gospels were the results
of visions, trances, and dreams. It is critically important to
remember that Gnostics and other ancient peoples did not "look down"
on such experiences as many modern folks do today. These experiences
were real and important in a way that is seldom acknowledged
today....and...the resurrection "symbolized how Christ's presence
could be experienced in the present. What mattered was not literal
seeing, but spiritual vision"...and..."what interested Gnostics far
more than past events attributed to the historical Jesus was the
possibility of enountering the risen Christ in the present"

Some historians now suggest that the battles between the Gnostics and
their orthodox counterparts involved some critically important social
and political issues. The orthodox emphasis on " I am God, and their
is no other beside me" and the belief in the Trinity help establish
and support the development of the Church heirarchy which included an
allegiance to ranking Bishops and the Pope. "One God, one bishop,
became the the orthodox slogan".Ignatius warns the laity to revere,
honor, and obey the bishop, as if he were God"...and...the development
of bishops, priests, and deacons, was established to mirror the
doctrine of the Trinity. The gnostic emphasis on inner knowlege and
self revelation was particularly threatening because it threatened the
authority and stucture that had evolved in the early church. No wonder
they didn't get along!.....

Magical Places and Magical Times

In the summer of 1970 at the age of 13 I climbed close to 7,000 feet while carrying a forty pound backpack in less 36 hours while hiking with my boy scout troop in the High Sierras. It was the most gut wrenching,physically demanding and stupid thing I have ever done. I thought I was going to die, literally, and by the end of the six day trek across the High Sierras I had lost 22 pounds in six days. I lost so much weight because about 24 hours into the trip I got altitude sickness and did not eat for almost two days. Do you know what it is like to hike over ten miles a day carrying a heavy pack while not eating?.... Pure hell....I still can remember just concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other for hours while ascending 11,000 foot Cottonwood Pass. The hike was so tortuous because the boy scout leader started the hike in the wrong place. We were supposed to begin our hike near Horseshoe Meadow which is about 10,000 feet which means it was only about a 1200 foot climb to the summit but we started at another trailhood which was situated at about 4 to 5 thousand feet. Can't a leader tell the difference between 4,000 and 10,000? What an idiot! And, can you imagine the faces of six young men when they reached the parking lot where they were "supposed" to have started only to discover we now had to really huff it and puff because we were two days behind schedule?.....It's a miracle I ever went on another hike, but I did, again, and again, and again...No thanks to the Boy Scouts of America though.

The High Sierras

I was fortunate as a young boy to have been introduced to camping, mountains, motorcycle riding, hunting and fishing by my two uncles. After my father died my two uncles took me under their wing and took me fishing and camping whenever and wherever they found the time which was generally quite frequent especially during the summertime. I have many, many fond memories of the numerous trips I took. I can still remember sitting around the campfire and listening to uncle Frank tell stories of seeing bigfoot as a child...and...seeing with my own two eyes a trout jump out of the water to hit a fly...and...riding in a four wheel jeep and crossing the mighty Kern River...and...freezing my buns off on the opening day of fishing season at Crowley Lake...and...walking on frozen lakes while looking for a break in the ice to drop our fishing lines...or seeing my two uncles flip their canoe in the Owens river after I told them they couldn't handle the shift current...and...all of us contemplating sneaking into the fish hatchery after midnight because we hadn't caught a single fish for over two days...and...watching a stick of dynamite explode in the desert after my uncle shot it with his rifle...oh enchantment...oh the fond memories...

Mount Jefferson

Not all of my camping/hiking memories are fond...I have on more than one occasion risked my life and done some really stupid things...like...crossing a snow bridge at Convict Creek which would have killed me if I had fallen into the raging waters below while on a hike during Memorial Day about 12 years ago...or...hiking in pitch black conditions along a dangerous ridge, in a rain storm, on Mount Jefferson in Oregon...or... scaling a verticle cliff in Yosemite with my backpack on. It was so steep I couldn't make my way back down so I had to throw my pack from a ledge and climb down backwards on my hands and knees...or...walk out on frozen lakes on more than one occasion...or attack a Grizzly bear in Glacier National Park with only a stick in hand...just kidding...I have encountered numerous bears and two mountain lions in the wilderness...but...the only time I felt threatened was when I unexpectably came upon a mother bear and two cubs while on a hike in the early morning. Although I was probably less than 20 feet from the bears they never saw or smelt me. I backed away slowly with my heart pounding and headed back to camp...

Wind River Range

As an adult I have some great memories as well and have been fortunate to have travelled to some of the most incredibly beautiful places in the western United States and Canada. I have been to almost every major National Park in the west at least once and most of the beautiful State Parks here in California. Although I have become somewhat jaded having been to so many spectacular places over the years I still get a rise everytime I go back to visit even though the initial enchantment has somewhat wore off over the years. There is still something magical about going to Yosemite Valley and seeing El Capitan, Half Dome and the waterfalls...and... standing at the top of Hurricane Ridge in Olympic National Park...and...sitting in my lounge chair atop Minaret Summit peering across at Banner and Ritter Peaks...and...walking through the magnificent Redwood forest near Eureka Ca.,...and...feeling the chill of the winter winds on my face at Joshua Tree National Park...and...scaling the slopes of Mt. Jefferson in Oregon...While I love all these places that I have been there are some special moments and places that are etched in my memory and heart forever...like...the time I stood atop Cascade Pass in Cascade National Park. Mountains on all sides of me, El Dorado Peak on one side and Torment Peak on the other. There were glaciers, ice and snow everywhere and a meadow of flowers bursting with all the colors of the rainbow...or...the first time I went hiking in the Ansel Adams Wilderness near Mammoth Mountain. I'll never forget the feeling of seeing Ediza, Garnet, and Thousand Island Lakes for the first time and the incredible sight of a hanging glacier that emptied it's ice into the waters of Iceberg lake...or...the sound of the crashing ice rumbling it's way down the face of Edith Cavell on a warm summer day in the Canadian Rockies...or walking on the sand while hiking the "Lost Coast" of California with no sight of humans anywhere...or...hiking through Titcomb Basin in the Wind River Range in Wyoming. I still can see the Milky Way and the millions of stars one night as I camped at 11,000 feet before the face of Fremont Peak. It was magical... These were magical places and magical times.....

A History of my bikes

Why might anyone want to write a history about their bikes? We human beings are a strange lot because form some of the strangest bonds and connections with things, other living creatures, and some weird stuff I would rather not go into. Some people are animal lovers while many others form an almost symbiotic relationship with their cars, motorcyles, toys,clothes,hats,technology,shoes,job,funiture,house,cooking utensils,art, etc. Did I leave anything out?...I never intended to develop a "special" relationship with bikes, it just kind of happened out of necessity. My father died when I was in the sixth grade and my mom didn't drive and actually never learned so it was huff and puff around town on a bike or stay home and watch our three channel magnavox color t.v. I chose to huff and puff it rather than stay home with my mom 24/7. It was a teenage hormone thing I suspect. I've owned alot of bikes in my day but the first bike I reminder was the American Eagle powder puff blue state of the art ten speed I bought for 120 dollars during my eighth grade year. My mom couldn't afford that kind of money for a new bike but I was able to purchase the bike only after we agreed to not press charges on a neighbor kid who broke into our garage and stole my bike if his parents agreed to buy me a new bike. The deal was sealed and off I rode showing off my new bike to all my friends. During my high school years I rode my bike everywhere and was not afraid to ride long distances across town in traffic oftentimes and looking back it was pretty dangerous riding my bike across town but my options for transportation were limited and I really hated riding the public bus.

In 1976 my relationship with my bike began to change after I fell head over heals with a girl. For three months I would ride my bike to visit her and her family but that gets old after awhile so I decided if this relationship had any chance of making it to the next level I would have to learn how to drive and get a car, and I did. My bike spent the next four years in seclusion in my garage until it was time again to renew my relationship with my bike…

..fast forward to 1980……In 1980 I moved to Oregon to go to school and I could no longer afford the luxury of owning a car so I dusted off the cobwebs of my bike in the garage, loaded her into my roommates V.W. bug and headed down the road to Corvallis Oregon where my bike and I would attempt to renew our estranged relationship. These were not fond years for my bikes and I because of the weather in Oregon. Let’s just say the rumors about it raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, are all true. I rode my bike in the rain to school, I rode my bike in the rain to work, I rode my bike in the rain to go to the store, and on and on and on. I don’t think my bikes particularly minded that much but I sure got sick and tired of riding in an almost freezing rain storms on a regular basis in winter at two o’clock in the morning on my way home from work….and….after two years it was back in the garage for my bike after I was able to save up enough money for a VW bug….

.fast forward to 1984…..I got married in September in 1984 and my new wife and I could not afford to own two cars so I pulled the bike out of the garage for a second tour of duty and this time the relationship would blossom. In 1984 I had moved back to Bakersfield where the weather is very kind to bikes and their riders. It seldom rains here and except for the heat during the summer months it’s not too bad, except for the terrible air quality. During the first three years of my marriage I rode my bike to college or work almost every day. I figure I averaged about 20 miles a day plus or minus a couple of miles and these were special times between my bikes and I considering we spent so much time together.I didn’t particularly like having to ride my bike everywhere because it was time consuming, tiring, and a pain in the butt from all the riding, but it did keep me in tip top condition for the first three of my marriage. After I graduated, went to work full time, and started raising my two son’s it was all downhill in the keeping lean and mean department……

fast forward to 1997….Once I started my teaching career in 1987 we were able to get another car so the bike went back into the garage for the next ten years. I did get out and ride from time to time just to keep the relationship from completely dying but my life during these years was consumed with work and family obligations for the most part until 1997 when a new chapter of romance between my bikes and I would began…. In the summer of 1997 I walked into a bike shop in Bakersfield and rode around the parking lot at the bicycle shop on a red Cannondale Mountain bike. It was love at first site and ride. Up until 1997 I had only owned ten speed bikes and therefore never knew how comfortable and powerful feeling a mountain bike could be. The bike was rather expensive but after making sacrifices for my wife and family for over a decade I decided it was time I splurged a little money on myself. My life has never been the same. During the summer of 1997 I went crazy riding my new bike around the foothills outside of Bakersfield. It was like being born again….literally….I had so much fun riding up and down the hills and my confidence as a mountain bike rider grew leaps and bounds during that summer but that would all change one year later while on vacation in Redwood National Park and where my relationship with bikes would take a turn for the worst……

It was a cool morning on August 9th when I left Elk Prairie Campground by myself for a ride through the redwood forest. The mountain bike trail which leaves from the Campground will absolutely take your breathe away. The first Jurassic Park movie was filmed in this area. During my ride I came upon a bear eating berries on the side of the trail. I startled him and fortunately he headed up the side of the mountain rather than confront me for entering his space. A this point the adrenaline was pumping through my body at lightening speed as I raced through the forest. About ten minutes later I began going down a somewhat steep part of the trail which is generally not a problem except for the fact that at the trail at the bottom was covered with exposed tree roots. I hit the roots way too fast and crashed flipping over the handle bars into a tree. I tried to get up but could not. I tried to crawl to a dirt road about fifty yards away but could not even move because of the tremendous pain shooting through my body every time I tried to move. I knew something was seriously wrong, and it was. I had fractured my back and the next six hours were some of the longest hours in my life as I waited alone for someone to discover and rescue me. It took about an hour for someone to find me and another two and a half hours for an ambulance to haul me to the hospital where I would stay until I recovered……

Fast forward to the present….Up until about six months after my accident I honestly didn’t think I would ever ride a mountain bike again. The recovery was slow and frustrating as I made a Herculean effort to get back into shape to hike and bike but I was determined to get back on a bike again because I didn’t want to become a couch potato. It took a lot of therapy and hard work but I gutted it out. I am not nearly the hiking, biking, stud I was ten years ago but I am much more active and studly than most men my age. Today I presently own four bikes and have renewed my love relationship with my bikes. Next week, lord willing, one of my sons and I are going to go to Yosemite National Park for three days and we are taking our bikes. Biking Yosemite is the way to go. The bike paths are excellent throughout the entire park and you don’t have to worry about parking and the rubbing shoulders with the hoards of people who frequent the park this time of the year. I can’t wait….and….. I hope my son begins his own love affair with bikes…..

Kamikaze Bike

All Time Favorite

Beach Bike

Oldie but Goodie

The Last Chapter

"If we believe that others are authority on our inner experience, we doubt ourselves and become subject to others definitions of us and subject to their control of us...and...when people tell us how we are or what we should do they are attempting to practice a dangerous kind of sorcery"....Patricia Evans.

This is the final blog entry on the topic of psychological abuse and the last chapter deals with "controlling people". We live in a society where various individuals, institutions, and groups want to assert control over others. Not all control and attempts to control is bad because a certain amount of order is needed and desirable, but when individual family members, colleagues at work, or perhaps even some of our closest friends attempt to control us out of fear or other insecurites than from my vantage point potential serious problems may follow, particularly if the control is a regular and ongoing part of the relationship.

Patricia Evans, the author of the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" has also written a book called Controlling People. The two subjects are interelated because when someone attempts to control you they most often will use some form of verbal abuse to accomplish their goals. Following are some of the things Patricia Evans has to say about how to recognize, understand, and deal with people who try to control you. All of the following comments are either direct quotes or general paraphrases of what she has written in her book. It is my hope that anyone who reads this entry will come away with a better understanding of the pathological aspects of certain types of control and will learn how to break the dangerous sorcery of control that may exist within themselves or the people who they may live or work with.....


When people encounter controlling behavior, they often feel "erased", as if, to the perpetrator, they don't exist. Trying to maintain this kind of relationship leaves one exhausted and subject to intense mental anguish and emotional pain.

Perpetrators usually believe that their oppressive/controlling actions are necessary, even right...but their attempt to control others eventually brings the perpetrators just the opposite of what they want or need.

People who lose their inner connection themselves usually try to take control of something/anything....even somebody.....

If we are taught to doubt ourselves,or to distrust inner knowledge in general, we may pay no attention to our intution which may have disasterous results such as the inability to recognize and resist those who try to control us.

One of the most common illusions people have about others and one of the most devastating to any kind of relationship is the idea of being of one mind with one's mate. This illusion opens the door for a "Pretend person" to be mistaken for a real person.

Being wrong is not an option for a controller. Their unconscious assumption is, If your right then I have to be wrong, but I am not wrong, therefore you are wrong and need to be controlled. It never occurs to them that both of you could be right at the same time.

When people resist controllers they become spellbreakers.

A healthy connection is one that recognizes the individuality of the other.

To the controller attempting to exert control is tantamount to working on the relationship and getting closer!

Controllers give orders and ultimatums and feel justifiably angry if their directions aren't followed and affronted, even enraged, if their mate shows a sign of separtness, or independence.

People who are coerced by a controlling spouse may give up and succumb to their mates repeated attempts to control or they may escape but often suffer great loss of children, home, money, etc.

Controllers reactions range from refusing to speak, as if the witness is non-existant, to a raging attack, even violence. All reactions are designed to silenced and control the witness....

Many people think that controllers are rational, but they are not, so it is not surprising that they believe they can be understood when they attempt to explain themselves. But explaining or trying to talk about it with a person who defines you ensures increased opposition and invalidation from a confirmed controller. Even people with excellent communication skills, sensitivity, and honesty can't get through...

Some psychologists attribute controllerws dictorial behavior to the controllers fear that if they ask for what they want, their request will be subject to negotiation and consequently the controller won't get their way. Asking suggests equality between the controller and the other...Asking gives aknowlegment of the others separatness and recongnition of separtness breaks the connection between the controller and the person they want to control.

One way to avoid giving up control is to avoid asking questions and give orders thus assuring compliance by instilling fear through threats and intimidation in the other. This may be accomplished by acting ferocious, loud, angry or by convincing the other that God is behind their imperious behavior. Or the controller may attempt to gain compliance in a more covert way by withdrawing....threatening the other with emotional abandonment.....

Controllers can be counted on not to do what they said they would do. It's not that they occasionally forget. It is that they consistently fail to do it. When witnesses repeat their requests, they often face accusation and denial. They're often told that they're nagging, or conversly, that they never made the request to begin with...

Some controllers persist without regard to means or consequences. This, in some cases, is a fight to the death.

Healthy groups are bonded together for, not against others. Unhealthy groups are bonded together against, rather than for, another person or group.

No one can prove themselves to a controller. These efforts alone do not break the spell. In fact, the more authenic and strong the witness becomes, the more the controllers feel threatened and are likely to escalate the attacks and tighten the grip...

Keep in mind that in some cases and circumstances, the spell cannot be broken...In other words...the controller will continue to attempt to control you no matter what you do....But the good news is....We don't have to accept the controllers demands and give into the controller. The controller is not unlimited in what they can do.

Arguing and explaining are generally wasted efforts expended on people who can't hear and accept what you have to say...

A few spellbreaking strategies

1. Recognize, acknowledge hte reality of your inner truth.

2. Be aware of boundary invasion, yours and others.

3. Do not respond to nonsense as if it makes sense.

4. Build your life on your own truth and not the truth, demands, expectations, imagination, or acceptance of the controller.

5. Speak up, when you need to, to break the control of the controller.

Well, that's it folks. The end of a three day journey into the world of psychological abuse......

The Best of Bakersfield

The central Sierra Nevada mountains recorded the largest snowpack in history this past year and that follows last years third largest snowpack. Translation....alot of water for the San Joaquin Valley, the cities and farmland from Sacramento to Bakerfield. In fact, there is so much water they don't know what to do with it all so for the time being they are allowing it to flood the fields just outside of town. For Bakersfield resisents like myself who love nature and like to get out and romp around it is an incredible godsend. We now have marshes,a running river,water lilies, green grass in June, and an abundance of wildlife which includes bobcats, rabbits galore, and an incredible variety of waterfowl. For most this might not seem like much so let me paint you a brief picture of what Bakersfield is normally like in June. No running river, not even a trickle, tumbleweeds everywhere, grasses burn't to the crisp,lizards, snakes and a few other critters which normally can only be found in desert climates, and nothing but a whole lot of dirt and dust everywhere. Got the picture?....Old timers say they haven't seen this much water in these parts since before the Lake Isabella dam was built way back in the 1940's. Bakersfield may not be a great place to live for nature lovers like myself but for now I am going to enjoy the present beauty while it lasts which probably won't be too much longer. The river will probably be shut down sometime in late June and by August we will probably go back to the usual scorched earth around here...so...in the meantime I intend to hop on my bike every couple of days like I did this morning and enjoy the beauty that God has bestowed upon the residents of Bakersfield. Even the poor deserve a few scraps from time to time!

Verbal Abuse

"Verbal abuse is, in a sense, built into our culture. One-upmanship,defeating,putting down, topping,countering,manipulating,critisizing,hard selling, and intimadating are accepted as fair game by many. " Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship..

A series of recent personal events has led me to re-visit the topics of emotional blackmail, verbal abuse, and people who want to control you. I have studied these various issues on and off for about six years running but have kept my experiences and comments about these topics to myself for the most part. Since I am currently not working and have a bit more time on my hands I thought it might be helpful to myself and anyone else who might stumble across this blog to share on these various topics. I intend to keep my personal experiences of verbal and emotional abuse to myself because individual privacy is a primary concern and unnecessary for my purposes. Besides, most folks I have discovered generally feel very uncomfortable when you start venting about your personal problems because I suspect it may hit too close to home or most often they just don't know what to say. Fortunately I have a few brave souls in my life who don't mind my venting about this or that from time to time so I'll refrain from naming names and personal situations and just stick to the topic at hand. At this time I feel compelled to write on this topic and I hope the following is helpful to all who read this blog...I have been profoundly effected by this problem for much of my life and I suspect others have been so as well and I feel it's time to come out of the shadow and speak up. I speak both as a victim and a perpetrator of verbal abuse and my goal is to educate us all so we don't enable the abuser or become the abuser ourself. May God help us all. Verbal abuse is toxic and sticks and stones may break your bones but words will hurt you and others if you are not careful......

The following comments are either quotes or paraphases from Patricia Evans excellent book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Since all the following ideas come from Evans I am not going put into quotes the following comments. Evans gets all the credit. I'm just the messenger.

Obstacles which stand in the way of recognizing abuse

1. Denial, fear of rejection. You fear the inevitable confrontation between you and the abuser. And, no one wants to admit they have an abusive partner, perhaps out of fear of what that may imply about your decision making.

2. Allowing oneself to be defined by the abuser. In other words, you accept the abuser's definition of your character, thoughts, feelings, and general identity.

3. Confusion due to the abuser's intermittent acts of kindness and friendlyness. Abusers are not always abusive. Thus the partner may forget the bad times until they happen again.

4.Subtle abuse. The abuser's control gradually increases and your acceptance of the abuse gradually is accepted as well.

5. The abused partner has no basis of comparison. No non-abusive relationships with others to know what a healthy give and take relationship ought to look like.

6. The abuse is hidden, out of public so others cannot validate what the abused partner is feeling and experiencing.

7. The partner may have never considered the question, Am I being abused?



If you have been verbally abused, you have been told in subtle and not so subtle ways that your perceptions of reality is wrong and that feelings or thoughts are wrong.

Verbal abuse is an issue of control, a means of power over another. This abuse may be overt or covert, constant, or periodic.

It can be difficult to recognize verbal abuse because we are socialized to either doubt our feelings or repress them, thus we are unable to recognize the abuse. Feelings, however, are essential to our being, because they are the criteria by which we determine if something is wrong or unsafe.

Since verbal abusers need to have power over their partners, they cannot accept them as equals. They may, however tell them, that they do. Why can't they accept their partners as equals? Because they would experience their equality as inferiority. They would then have to ask for what they wanted. They would be open to rejection.

Sometimes a verbal abuser may pretend to not understand or to have forgotten what their partner is talking about because they simply do not want to acknowledge that their partner has opinions or feelings seperate from their own.

There are many ways to manipulate another person, including being "friendly" only when one expects to get something from the other....and...and acting as if something has been agreed to or decided that hasn't yet been agreed to or decided.

An abuser cannot control their partner and be intimate at the same time.

Because of their need for dominance and their unwillingness to accept their partner as an equal, the abuser is compelled to negate the perceptions, experiences, values, accomplishments and plans of their partner.

Verbal abuse, like physical abuse, most often occurs behind closed doors. Secrecy is a key to the abusers power over...and...going public with abuse is generally a serious sign of escalation and or impending physical abuse.

The abuser begans to communicate disdain for the partners interests, values, needs, wants and desires.

The abuser makes no attempt at reconcilation, in fact, they most often don't even seem bothered by difficult incidents...and...they never even attempt to reach an understanding.

The abuser continually attempts to define the other partner, the nature of the relationship, in ways that are foreign to the other partner.

There are basically three types of verbal abuse, witholding, countering, and discounting....

Witholding occurs when the abuser refuses to listen, consider or even attempt to engage the other person's feelings, ideas, or predictament. A confirmed abuser may go for months or years without attempting to engage thier partners emotionally or intellectually.

Countering occurs when the abuser sees the partner as an adversary. How dare they have a different view from their own. If their partner sees things differently they feel they are losing control and dominance.Consequently, they may choose to argue, disagree, or dismiss their partners perspective and point of view. Countering is extremely destructive to a relationship because it consistently denies their partner their reality. Counters usually don't allow others to finish their thoughts. When a verbal abuser counters thier partner they do not preface their response with phrases such as, "it seems to me, I think, I feel, they simply assert that what their partner says isn't so, or no that is not the way it is"...

Discounting denies and distorts the partners actual perspection of the abuse by using such phrases as, "your'e too sensitive, Your'e jumping to conclusions, you blow everything out of proportion, you take things too seriously, or they assert you are reading things into what they say.

People who are conditioned from birth to not trust their feelings often and most likely will not recognize the irrationality and danger of verbal abuse.

The great tradegy in a verbally abusive relationship is that the partners efforts to bring about reconcilliation, mutual understanding, intimacy are neglected out of hand and assumed to be adversial by the abuser.

If you and your partner are living in a different reality than it is important to understand that you cannot explain this to them because they will see your explanation as an excuse...a defense which abusers feel need to be challenged.

Verbal abuse is rejection....Don't ever delude yourself into thinking that you should have the ability to stay serene no matter how you are treated. Anger properly expressed is not abusive or destructive. Saying stop that to an abuser is simply a matter of protecting oneself.

While you are going through internal and external changes keep structure and constants in your daily life. Keep regular hours for eating and exercise and get enough sleep.

And finally.....All change, even the most longed for, have their melancholy. for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves: we must die to one life before we can enter another......

Hope for the emotionally abused

Living and submitting to emotional blackmail on a regular basis is destructive to both the blackmailer and the individual under the spell of the blackmailer. Responding and attempting to break the spell will be challenging and may lead to short term escalation particularly if one has repeatedly defered to the blackmailer over a period of time. Attempts to resist the demands of the blackmailer will be challenging because the blackmailer will no doubt initially respond by getting angry and resorting to increased heavy handed tactics in an attempt to control the situation....and....when the blackmailer is a family member it can be an ongoing challenge because there are no guarantees the blackmailer is going to change no matter what you do. People who regularly use blackmail tactics of manipulation need psychological/spiritual help because their need to control others through coercion is generally associated with insecurities,fears, and a past which includes individuals who blackmailed and manipulated them. These are learned behaviors which are modeled by family, friends, peers, spouses, and unfortunately many of our institutions which makes breaking the spell the more challenging. While we cannot change others no matter what we do there are some things one can do to preserve one's own dignity and peace of mind. Dealing with blackmailers may require professional help, especially if the blackmailer is a spouse, parent, or someone we rub shoulders with on a regular basis. Generally I am not a formula, 12 steps this or that kinda of guy, but here are some things to remember and experiment with if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who regularly attempts to manipulate, coerce, and pressure you into doing what they need or want.....

Tips to counter emotional blackmail

1. One needs to share there own needs and wants and this is not emotional blackmail. I mention this because a person who is attempting to blackmail you may try to confuse you by asserting you are being selfish or manipulative. It is only manipulative if you are attempting to impose your own needs/wants above others considerations. Relationships are a balancing act which requires all participants to compromise, sacrifice, and listen to and consider the needs of others. One sided relationships lead to resentment, burn out, and co-dependency.

2. If you are feeling pressured by a blackmailer use some of the following time buying statements in order to collect your thoughts and figure out what you want/need to do. If one has a history of defering to the pressure tactics of others it may require time to think about how you want to handle the situation. You can say the following:

A. I don't have an answer right now. I'll get back to you later.

B. Let me think about it.

C. Let's discuss this later. I am not ready to make a decision now.

By saying you need time you've shifted the balance of power in the relationship and put the blackmailer in position of waiting to see what you are going to do. Of course this doesn't apply to a situation where an immmediate answer is needed but this can be helpful when faced with critically important decisions. If the individual who is pressuring you doesn't respect your request you can gently or forcefully remind them you do not respond to pressure tactics. If they continue to press on you may need to hang up the phone or walk away and let them know why you are walking away. If they realize the connection between walking away and their manipulative tactics they "may" be back off next time...but...it also may escalate..but...if it does you may just need to cut off further contact for awhile.

3. "Give yourself permission to say, I don't want to or I don't feel like it without feeling that you have to give a justification or an elaborate explanation" Blackmailers may pressure you to justify your decision in an effort to question your character or attack your justifications but one does not need to justify anything to those who have no genuine interest in listening and taking seriously your needs and desires. Stand your ground...

4. If the situation with the blackmailer continues to escalate or you become extremely anxious you may want to consider writing a letter to express yourself. When we are very anxious we tend to forget what to say and do and are easy targets for the pressure tactics of a blackmailer. Don't feel guilty or beat yourself having to resort to such measures. Blackmailers have to take responsibility for their own actions particularly when it comes to the manipulative tactics they use therefore one does not need to blame oneself for the actions of the blackmailer. Think of it as a graceful means to a problem you did not create.

5. "Stand up for the small issues, at least, from time to time because it will give you an opportunity to develop skills you need to hold fast when the stakes are higher."

6. Standing up for oneself does not mean that you get defensive and make counterattacks, assertions, demands, character assinations, and resort to the manipulative tactics of the blackmailer because it will only provide fuel for the fire.

7. Do not feel the need to defend or explain your decisions or yourself in response to pressure....unless....you think or have reason to believe the individual sincerely is interested in knowing what you think or feel...because...blackmailers generally are primarily looking for any avenue to further coerce you and the more information you provide the more opportunities are given for manipulation.

8. When you have an important discussion with someone you find manipulative or difficult don't do it when you are tired...and...be sure to pick a place where you both might feel equally comfortable and at ease. "Remember...turf has energy"....

9. Don't expect blackmailers who use silence to take the first step to resolve conflict, or any step for that matter. You may have to keep after them, in a non manipulative way, of course, otherwise they tend to withdraw even more.

10. Remember you are dealing with people who most likely feel less adequate and powerless than you and may actually be afraid of you. Never refer to them as blackmailers or any other derogative label. They are human beings just like the rest of the human race and respect their own needs and wants and "try" to work with them unless they choose to resort to scorched earth psychological warfare which at that point you may need to remind them that this approach will not work with you, now or forever.

11. Try to enlist the blackmailer as an ally by asking for their opinion and suggestions to solve the impasse you currently face...and...solicit them for proposals. "Try" to barter and look for win, win situations, if possible, and other creative alternative solutions to problems.

12. Apologize, if and when, you allow yourself to resort to the level of the blackmailer. Try to model and live by the priniciple of non manipulation that you hold to. Don't make excuses or justify when you make miskakes.

13. Remind yourself that you have the right to feel, think, and behave differently than the blackmailer....and....you don't need to apologize for having different feelings, etc. because we all have different pasts, needs, wants, passions, and desires. Welcome to the nature of the human race.....

Emotional Blackmail Primer

Over the years I have become increasingly aware of how individuals, groups, and various institutions may use emotional blackmail and verbal abuse to control, punish, or simply get what they want or think they need..... and....... since physical/emotional needs are legitimate needs institutions and individuals sometimes feel justified in using such tacitcs....but....at what price?....The breakdown and dissolution of relationships or the loss of the individual spirit is often the fallout. ...Verbal/emotional abuse is something we all engage in from time to time and to one degree or another but some individuals or groups are prone to use various forms of manipulation on a regular basis to the detriment of themselves and the people around them. Personally this problem has had a profound effect on my life and my various relationships which is why I wanted to write, hopefully, a series of articles addressing this problem for both the benefit of myself and any others who might stumble across my blog. Following are a collection of ponderings and information that addresses the problem of emotional/verbal abuse for everyones consideration...You can call it a primer.....I have chosen a question and answer format to address the various issues associated with emotional blackmail. All quotations come from Susan Forward's book Emotional Blackmail.

What is emotional blackmail...."Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish us if we don't do what they want"

What are the primary tactics used by emotional blackmailers?

1. Guilt

2. Fear

3. Appeals of obligation to God, family, work, and country.

4. Attacks on one's character, motives, sense of self worth.


What are some examples and characteristics of emotional blackmail?....

1. When someone verbally threatens to make your'e life difficult if you don't do what they want.

2. Tell you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves or become depressed if yo don't do want they want.

3. Blackmailers always want more, no matter how much you give.

4. They regularly assume you will give in to them.

5. Regularly ignore or discount your feelings, needs, and desires.

6. Consistently label you as selfish, bad, greedy, unfeeling, or uncaring when you don't give into them.

7. They shower you with approval when you give in and take it away when you don't.

8. Insist that their character and motives are superior.

9. Avoid taking any responsibility for the problems between them and you.

10. Emotional blackmail encourages others to take responsibilty for the blackmailers complaints and unhappiness. If you are on the recieving end of the emotional abuse you are perceived as the bad guy while the abuser perceives themself as wearing the white hat.

11. The balance of power is one sided. My way or the highway is the mantra. Compromise, being fair, and standard give and take are not options for emotional abusers.

12. When blackmailers get desperate they kick it up to another level by challenging our motives, character, self worth, and bringing God into the picture to get us into line which are effective tools if we are generally a sensitive religious person who does believe in God.



Important qualifier: It's important to remember that we not label every conflict or expression of strong emotions as emotional blackmail. People have the right to set limits...set boundaries...and share their wants and needs....and, as long as they don't use threat or various manipulative pressure tactics it is healthy and appropiate and not an example of blackmail.

Why are some people more susceptible to emotional abuse than others?

People who have an excessive need for approval or have an intense fear of anger and rejection are prime candidates for abuse because they also have alot of self doubt which plays into the hands of manipulators who attempt to define you in their terms and not yours...and....if you don't have a clear perspective of who you are and know what you need/want than you are at high risk to the emotionally abusive spin doctors.
Caretakers and people who have a history of having to put others needs before their own are also at high risk because they naturally want to help others. Emotional blackmailers tend to come from emotionally or physically abusive background where their own needs were neglected therefore they tend to naturally prey on people who are sensitive to meeting the needs of others.......It is critically important to rememember to not "beat yourself up for giving into a blackmailer...you did the best you could with what you knew. Look compassionately at the person who have been and then make the changes, inch by inch that you need to make to break yourself free from those who would seek to control, blackmail, or abuse you."...Susan Forward....

I'll wrap this up next time with some advise/suggestions for consideration on some practical things one can do when facing emotional blackmail....

Latest news, contemplations, and ponderings

Am in a real funky mood right now. My mom had a stroke a just a couple of days ago and can't help wondering if this may be the final days of her life. The stroke wasn't a major one but she is 92 years old and apparently she has other complications as well. I'll know more in the next week but am intending to take a trip up north to see her soon..... My current and future living situation is up in the air right now because my two sons may come to live with me so all my summer plans are currently in a holding pattern but do suspect some big changes are on the way. Change is always challenging, potentially unsettling or ripe for new learning and personal growth opportunities. I need to continually remind myself that life is an adventure, journey, and new opportunities for postitive transformation for myself and others involved in my life but transformation seems to never occur without some personal discomfort or sometimes significant sacrifice or pain. Just the reality of life. Intellectually it's easy to understand but existentially it is generally difficult to accept and embrace unless you are one of those buddha types which I am not. I confess I really struggle with making big decisions and major life changes. Not sure all the reasons why. Not particularly self confident, at times, especially when the stakes are potentially high or don't feel a strong push in one particular direction. I suspect my past demons come into play here because I wasn't particularly encouraged by family or my religious subculture to trust my own feelings and intellectual abilities and to this day I feel like I am on a roller coaster when faced with pontential life changing decisions. Just hard to trust myself and my abilities at times if you know what I mean. Sometimes I just want to flip a coin or throw myself to the fate of the gods because the echo of silence seems to be a constant companion who never leaves my side......
I am hoping I can settle down a bit on the homefront sooner than later. Life is such a paradox at times. I have been working at the same job for the past 19 years and feel as comfortable and confident as I imagine a person can feel but on the homefront things have been in a real flux for the past seven years and counting. Don't know how much good it does to ponder such paradoxes because the answers are often allusive, pontentially unsettling, or just too complex. Life is messy at times and never ever totally settling for anyone for any extended period of time. Just seems to be the reality of living in the modern world but do suspect life was just as unsettling for our ancestors who were at the mercy of mother nature, powerful kings, religious institutions, or marauding Ghengis Kahn types who apparently didn't want to give up the sword and fighting for a more peaceful co-existence and truce with mother nature and their neighbors.......So where does that leave us, me, and you? We can take the bull by the horns and attempt to radically change our circumstances in hope of a better outcome.....We can passively set by, do nothing, and hope the gods rescue or show favor upon us......or....or.....too many choices....too many potential outcomes that I cannot predict....Why aren't things more clear and self evident? God give me and us a sign.....on second thought......I think I'll just take it one day at a time. This may sound like a cliche, and it is, but sometimes cliches may be all we have to hang onto......

Going over the edge

Today was the last day of regular instruction for the year and as you can see I finally snapped and went over the edge. My colleagues had been predicting I would snap earlier but I persevered until the end but today I decided to resist the temptation to keep it all together and just let it all hang out. Actually, today was a bitter sweet day. I was very happy to end the year. It's been very stressful teaching five different preps during the course of the year, psychology, sociology, economics, civics, and world history. I really need a break from it all. People who think teaching is easy just because we get alot of time off really don't have a clue what it is like to prepare interesting lessons, motivate the kids, discipline, process all the paper work, and go to god awful boring meetings too many times than I can remember. Most folks wouldn't last two weeks....anyway......While I am glad to have finished year number 19 I was also a bit sad regarding the kids. I took the kids out outside and took some group photos and then we came in and I told them I felt priviledged to be their teacher. We ended the class by listening to Annie Lennox's Into the West which is the song at the end of the Return of the King. It was kind of a sad ending to the class but I told them they were just beginning a new journey and they had alot to look forward to as they were about to embark on a new adventure in life. I am excited for them but I also know life outside of high school will be challenging and many of them will not see their hopes and dreams materialize in the way they thought but that is the nature of the beast of life. Next week is finals but I will only work two days since my senior classes have already finished their finals. I am looking forward to the summer but this summer poses a series of challenges on the homefront and I suspect I will be juggling my schedule more than usual. This summer will be interesting and promises to be a challenge. Just hope I am up to it all.....and....hope the weather gods have mercy on us folks from Bakersfield this summer. ....Heading off to visit my friend tomorrow in Paso Robles and intend to spend the next three days at the beach with my girlfriend and two sons. Should be fun and then I'll come back and finish the year next week......

The Numbers are in

The numbers are in and the Da Vinci Code raked in 77 million in the states and 224 million worldwide which makes it the second largest worldwide release in history after "Star Wars: Episode III".....Not bad for a movie that was hammered by the film critics and the various religious institutions around the country. Not sure what to make of it all but am reminded that boycotts and criticism generally have the opposite effect when it comes to entertainment. ...or as the saying goes...."there is no such thing as bad press".....Some of the critics will of course want to suggest that this is further evidence of the dumbing/gullibility of the masses but I for one don't think the masses are as dumb or as barbaric as the elite make them out. This may be oversimplistic to suggest but I think people in general just like a good story and they want to be entertained and this film appears to fill the bill despite what many of the snooty critics say otherwise.....By the way....both Ebert and Roper gave the film thumbs up, so not all the critics are riding the bash the Da Vinci Code bandwagon.....Regarding the religious criticisms and concerns....I understand why many of the religious leaders and followers are concerned but when will they learn that their over the top attempts to torpedo the film industry are counter productive to their cause. Harry Potter, Star Wars, the Exorcist, etc., just to name of few of the films over the years that received extensive criticism from the religious community. Personally I think they would be better off to just encourage their people to go because the "don't touch the forbidden fruit" approach didn't work in the garden and it hasn't worked since....but to each his/her own, I suppose.....

De-coding the Da Vinci Code

Even though I have not read the book or seen the film yet I have an increasingly emotional interest in the Da Vinci Code discussion because of my interest in Christianity and my recent studies in Gnosticism, the canonization process, Biblical criticism, and the various early Christian communities. During Easter I read Bart Ehrman's books on the early "lost" Christian communities and "the story behind who changed the Bible and why" and I am currently reading Elaine Pagels book "The Gnostic Gospels" for a second time. While I have no personal stake in the Gnostic tradition I am interested in the diversity of the early Christian communities because of the social implications for our own time. Also, I have enjoyed learning more about the movement in it's historical context which I think is often lost when people discuss the Gnostics. For many Christians the gnostics have become the poster children for heresy and anti-christianity which in unfortunate because from my perspective I think they were trying to live out their own faith in the context of some very difficult circumstances. Hans Jonas, a prominent historian of gnosticism suggests in his writings that "many people at the time felt profoundly alienated from the world in which they lived and longed for a miraculous salvation as an escape from the social constraints of political and social existence."....therefore.....according to Jonas they "constructed a worldview--a philosophy of pessimism about the world combined with an attempt at self-transcendence."....Professor R.M. Grant "has suggested that gnosticism emerged as a reaction to the shattering of traditional religious views ----Jewish and Christian ---after the Romans destroyed Jerusalem inn 70 A.D."......bottom line......Based on what I have read I do now believe the Gnostics were trying in their own way to "experience the continuing presence of Jesus" after his death. One may question their methods and some of their counter attacks of their Christian contemporaries but they do seem to sincerely be attempting to work out their own brand of faith in the context of their own unique circumstances and time.

Gnosticism has received more than it's fair share of criticism from certain Christian quarters over the years and it now appears that alot of that criticism in now being projected onto Dan Brown's book and the film. All the major Christian parachurch ministries are talking about the book/movie and websites and articles are popping up everywhere. Over the past couple of days I have visited some of the websites and read a few articles and I am taken back a bit regarding the misinformation and, imo, alarmist concerns over a book that is after all, only fiction. One writer of a popular Christian organization writes, "Brown opens his book by writing, "All descriptions of artwork, architecture, documents and secret rituals in this novel are accurate." By extension, then—despite his online disclaimer—he, his book and now his movie assert that the New Testament is not the "true" account of the life of Jesus. Rather, the Gnostic Gospels tell the true story.".....Really?....Is this what Brown is asserting? Perhaps it would be helpful to hear what Brown himself has to say about the matter. Brown had this to say in a recent interview,

While it seems that

the book's characters and their actions are obviously not real, the

artwork, architecture, documents, and secret rituals depicted in this

novel all exist (for example, Leonardo Da Vinci's paintings, the

Gnostic Gospels, Hieros Gamos, etc.). These real elements are

interpreted and debated by fictional characters. While it is my

belief that some of the theories discussed by these characters may

have merit, each individual reader must explore these characters'

viewpoints and come to his or her own interpretations. My hope in

writing this novel was that the story would serve as a catalyst and a

springboard for people to discuss the important topics of faith,

religion, and history.

From my vantage point it appears that Brown is "only" asserting that the gnostic documents exist but "is not" asserting a particular interpretation or theory. While it is true that the characters in the story have a particular opinion about such matters it is important to remember that the story and the characters are "only" fiction. Brown also had this to say.....

"Since the beginning of recorded time, history has been written by

the "winners" (those societies and belief systems that conquered and

survived). Despite an obvious bias in this accounting method, we

still measure the "historical accuracy" of a given concept by

examining how well it concurs with our existing historical record.

Many historians now believe (as do I) that in gauging the historical

accuracy of a given concept, we should first ask ourselves a far

deeper question: How historically accurate is history itself?"

Another critic of Brown's book had this to add, ""Do you realize that the Gnostics were not eyewitnesses? And did you know that the early church was aware of these teachings and refuted them? The New Testament has much more historical credibility."

Is this critic aware that the Gospels are also not eyewitness accounts but were written anonymously perhaps for the purpose of establishing authority in order that people might take seriously what they had to say? And, while the gnostic texts are not as old as the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John no one knows for sure when the gnostic texts were "originally" written and it is not too far fetched to question whether the originals might have been banished or cast into a lake of fire considering what many of the early church fathers had to say about the gnostics in their numerous attacks on the movement.

The same critic concluded with this statement, "many who read The Da Vinci Code are prone to believe it: Forget historical investigation; forget the need for consistency; forget the need for continuity with the Old Testament. It comes down to the desire to have a tolerant faith that lets us pick-and-choose our beliefs, cafeteria style.

If we bring this battle for the canon back to rationality, consistency and historical investigation, we have nothing to fear. We can't compete with people's desires, but we can show that all the hard evidence is on our side."

Really,.....how condescending and arrogant....So much for Christian humility.....So why all the effort to discredit and demonize a film/book that is only a work of fiction? Are people really that gullible, naive, and unable to sort through the facts for themselves? Apparently some people think so.......So why all the concern and apparent need by many to refute something that is fiction especially when you consider that critics of the Bible and traditional Christianity have been around forever and quite prominent today....I suspect it's the "popular appeal" of the Da Vinci Code that warrants such attention. Traditional/Conservative Christians don't have to seriously worry about the writings of the Jesus Seminar, left leaning, and secular critics because their books, articles and other means of communication are limited only to those who frequent the kind of places where their work is featured and since Christian Television, radio, and bookstores are a monopoly of like minded people one can go for years without thinking much about the type of questions that are raised by the likes of Crossan, Ehrman and others. But, pop culture is another matter. Lots of people go to films and later talk about what they have seen to their friends, relatives and colleagues....therefore.....While the Da Vinci Code is a work of fiction it's story is raising alot of questions and discussions for alot of folks regarding Christianity and apparently this concerns a significant number of Christians. Apparently Joseph Campbell was right....Myth is powerful.....

Riverwalk Park of Bakersfield

It's been loooonnnnnng week.....Computer crashed.....washing machine crashed.....phone line crashed.....tires on my car crashed....alingment crashed.....and....air conditioner required three hours of my precious time that I really don't have. Am burn't, through and through...to a crisp....on both sides.....but relief is in sight...... am taking off to the coast for three days, by myself to see an old buddy of mine who recently bought a house near the coast. No kids, no girlfriend, no students and no responsibilities for three glorious days....I really need it....and....only three more weeks of school and then I am finished for nine weeks. Did manage to squeeze some time to make it over to the new Riverwalk Park on the west side of town. Quite impressive and predict it is going to be a big hit with the locals. The park took ten years to plan and build and is located along the river that "sometimes" flows through town. Much of the year it is dry and hideous looking but the last couple of years water has actually been sighted running for most of the year....The new state of the art park has a couple of small lakes, a running stream, fountains and an impressive outdoor amphitheatre where bands such as the Moody Blues are "suppose" to play in the years to come. Went and saw the opening act the other night. It was a freeby concert featuring the Fab Four which is a tribute band to the Beatles. They were very, very impressive. About half of their act sounded "just like" the Beatles. I'm not kidding or exaggerating. They were awesome. Particulary got off on the second act when they came out dressed in Sgt. Pepper outfits and played Sgt. Peppers Lonely Heart club band, With a little Help from my friends, and a Day in the Life. Really look forward to going back out to the park and doing a few barbecues and bike riding. Bakersfield doesn't have much going on in the city since I have lived here but I give the city planners an A plus for this one.......Well thats it for now. Need to get to bed and get my beauty rest because I have to get up early and head the beach....Hooooray.....Hooooray.......

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF A CELEBRITY KIND

Over the years I have personally met and, in some cases, talked to the following individuals who are either nationally known or at least recognized by a lot of folks. I have met a number of well known celebrities/individuals while attending a conference or workshop from time to time but the list below includes celebrites I simply bumped into when I least expected it. Following are some of the “close encounters of the celebrity kind” and a breif description of the encounters.

Bill Walton: Bill Walton is the greatest college basketball "I" have ever seen. His passion, intensity, and selflish team first attitude were legendary in the annuals of sports history. A reincarnation of Bill Russell but a Bill Russell who could shoot and score when needed...and...maybe the greatest passing center in history. His performance against Memphis State in the NCAA finals was arguably one of, if not, the greatest single big game college performance of all time. Walton scored 42 points which included making 21 of 22 shots which is still an NCAA record for the college tournament….While attending Oregon State during the early 1980’s I met and talked to Bill Walton for about five minutes. The encounter occurred at the end of the UCLA/Oregon State game. At the time Walton was the broadcaster for the Bruins and I was a student at Oregon State. When the game ended between the Bruins and the Beavers I walked down to floor where Walton was standing by himself. Apparently no one wanted to talk to him since he is a Bruin grad who brought a significant amount of pain and grief to Beaver fans during his three year stint at UCLA. I walked up to him, introduced myself and told him I was from Southern California and admired his game both in college and the pros. I don’t remember anything in particular he said but I do remember him as a gracious person who took the time to entertain/ indulge me and sign an autograph request before we both went on our merry way.

Dan Fouts: Dan Fouts, imo, is one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history. While he never won the superbowl he was the field general of one of the greatest offenses in NFL history and if his San Diego Chargers hadn’t played in the coldest game in history, in Cincinnati back in the 80's, I am sure they would have won at least one Super Bowl…. Meeting Dan Fouts was probably my most unusual encounter. While camping in a wilderness area in Oregon back in the 80’s a friend and I camped next to a group of guys who appeared to just be hangin out and fishing. As we walked by thier campsite I caught a glance of a guy who looked like Dan Fouts. My buddy got a look as well but didn't think it was him. For the next hour my buddy and I argued back and forth over the bearded plaid shirt camper who was camping in the same campground as us. Dan Fouts is a graduate of the University Oregon I reminded my friend therefore it was possible, if not plausable, that he might just be hangin out in Oregon during the offseason with friends or family. My friend countered by arguing that big time quarterbacks don't hang out in primitive campgrounds, with no showers, and sleep on the ground in tents. They at least rent one of the monstrous RV's with satellite dishes so they can watch ESPN's Sportscenter before they go to bed each night. Back and forth, back and forth, we went. Finally, I got up the courage to walk over to their campsite and settle the feud once and for all. The camper we were acquiring about was not there at the time but a couple of his buddies were so we told them about our little feud. The gentleman we told our story to chuckled and introduced himself as Dan Fouts brother. Dan was off fishing for the day but would be back later. We never came back later for reasons I don't remember and even though I never got to shake Mr. Fouts hand or personally talk to him I was content to win the arguement with my buddy and retell this story more times than I can remember.

John Madden: Ex-coach of the Oakland Raiders and Monday Night Football icon....While visiting Carmel California about ten years ago I walked past an outdoor wedding in progress. Outdoor weddings I suspect are common in Carmel where the weather never gets above 75. On this particular day I just happened to notice a white haired gentleman talking to this huge guy about fifty feet away. The guy looked like John Madden....so..... I got as close as I could to this private wedding and as I glanced around I noticed that there were alot of really big guys walking to and fro. Not sure exactly how close I got but I did get close enough to positively I.D. John Madden. I suspect it was the wedding of some football players since many of the attendees were so huge. I was in a hurry and couldn't hang around so I never was able to I.D. any of the players.

Carl Weathers: Rocky fame/Apollo Creed... Years ago I went to a little outdoor cafe in Pasadena Ca. and the waitress sat my friend and I next to Apollo Creed. I am sure it was him because he couldn't have been more three feet away. He was looking buff and wearing a sporty green beret and sitting next to an attractive female I did not recognize. During our lunch I found myself eavesdropping from time to time on their conversation but I don't remember anything they said. In hindsight, I probably should have introduced myself as Rocky Balboa and asked him if he wanted one more rematch.

Philosophical Musings

Had a series of interesting conversations last night while hanging out with some of my colleagues which included an administator at work, two science, one english and social studies teacher and a local journalist. The conversation centered around philosophy, particularly postmodernism and it's relationship to Christianity. I won't go into all of what was said because it would probably take me hours so I'll limit myself to a few comments. For most of the evening I found myself covering the usual ground which means "trying" to explain what Postmoderism is not. Most folks associate Postmodernism with moral relativism/ anti-reason/logic/science/technology and religion. Did my best at trying to explain that postmodernism, as I understand/interpret it, is not against modernity and it's applications, but do concede it raises doubts and is critical to the "supremacy and monopoly" of the Enlightment/Modernism's methodology, assumptions, and applications. In my world, questioning or being critical of something is not the same thing as being against/anti, but, unfortunately alot of folks don't seem to understand or agree with this nuance.....regarding moral relativism.....In my book everyone is a moral relativist if you interpret moral relativism as an attempt to take situations and context into consideration when making ethical decisions which I believe is what everyone does to one degree or another. Also, as I understand postmodernism and ethics, postmodernists are not saying truth, right and wrong, etc. don't exist, but rather, they and I, do question the "foundations" truth claims are based on, which means that rationalists, fundamentalists,existentialists, or any other ists or isms no longer get a free ride...either or/black and white is no longer naturally assumed particularly when it comes to historical,theological,philosophical interpretation and metaphysical certainity. This does not imply that truth with a capital "T" does not exist but my ability to fully understand and assertain the full scope of such intellectual endeavors is limited by my limits as an individual and the limits of science, reason, etc.....thus....."moral assertions" about this or that are generally limited to "acts" of inhumanity/harm to other humans, mother earth, and the creatures that share the planet with us......regarding the relationship between postmodernism and Christianity.....One participant attempted, unsuccessfully, imo, to persuade everyone that the relationship and the effects of postmodernism on Christianity was nothing new under the sun but I did attempt to suggest that I do believe what we are seeing is "qualitatively" different than anything we have seen in the past. For thousands of years Christians and non Christians have argued and attempted to persuade each other about the Bible, the nature of Christ, and the various ethical implications and applications of the Christian tradition and worldview.....but.....during this time, as I understand and interpret it, most of the participants, most of the time, took an either or/black/white approach to such matters which often resulted in a sense of moral supremacy and assurance of certainity for the winners and heretical/pagan status for the losers....but....here is what I see as different in the current postmodern intellectual climate.....either or/blackwhite, is no longer the "only" or even the primary option for alot of folks, especially, when it comes to metaphysical questions, historical interpretations of the Christian tradition, and doctrinal conclusions about this or that....or the put it another way....both/and is now an "acceptable" if not perferable option for alot of folks....The implications....Did Jesus rise from the dead, walk on water, and heal the sick? Was he really born of virgin?....and.....did he pre-exist "before" he was born as John's Gospel asserts? I have my own opinion but "I" am no longer particularly interested in either asserting my own particular perspective nor do I believe it is probable that certainity can "ever" be achieved on such matters....which is why...."I" am willing to "live" and "accept" a both/and approach in the realm of metaphysics and theological interpretations, until or unless, new overwhelming evidence becomes self evident to me and everyone else in the future or a new fool proof Enlightment methology is introduced.....but....don't hold your breath.....things may become "somewhat" clearer in the future but history and the limits of the planet and the human race suggest to me that we will never achieve certainity or perfection. It's just the nature of the beast....anyway......back to my point.....Postmodernism, as I understand it, has effected the way we see and interpret the world and is "qualitatively" different, imo, from anything we have seen up to this point. In the past, Christians fought against each other, heretics, and the infidels, over this or that in an attempt to assert and impose their own interpretation of the Bible and reality and for what end? Not much to show for it from where I stand which is why I think alot of folks are more open to the idea of accepting a both/and approach when it comes to matters of metaphyics, doctrinal interpretation, and our acceptance/tolerance of the various/numerous Christian traditions which are a part of our history.......I hope this makes sense to anyone who might stumble across my attempt to communicate what I have been processing for quite a while now....

Post Easter Report

Iv'e been a bad, bad, bad boy. In the "ideal" world of blogging it is an unspoken assumption that one updates one's blog, at least, every couple of days. I noticed it has now been two weeks since I posted anything. I don't have any good excuse or reason for neglecting my blog and really have nothing to say other than my blog is my hobby and writing is "not" second nature to me as it is to many folks who regularly blog...besides....I am often a busy, busy, man and I often don't have much to say that I think would be much interest to most folks...which....was the case for the past two weeks. I had ten days off during the Easter/Spring break holidays this year but I really don't have much to report on. This year I split my time between visiting my mom and my girlfriends parents. I spent most of my time sitting around and socializing. Went to mass three times and other than that I didn't get out much. I'ts generally not the kind of vacation I enjoy. I like being outside and moving around doing this or that but my mom is getting up there in age and my girlfriend generally spends the holidays with her family so I sucked it up this year and went with the flow. Don't know how many, if any, Easters my mom has left so I do want to spend as much time with her as I can........... Since I was sitting around so much this year I did get in alot of reading. I read Crossan and Wright's book on the resurrection and polished off Bart Ehrman's books, Misquoting Jesus, and Lost Christianities: The Battles for Scripture and the Faiths We Never Knew. At the present time I have really gotten into the whole early church history and the battles and struggles between the various faith communities. I think it is critical for our understanding, interpretation, and application of faith and I believe it is particularly relevant to the increasingly pluralistic religious society we all live in....and....I find it stimulating and refreshing after spending most of my adult life looking at reality through the lens of a particular religious subculture. I also like Ehrman alot because he appears to know his stuff but doesn't write like he is simply talking to the other ivory tower academics, in other words, his books are understandable ......Not much to report on since I went back to work this week. We spent much of last week talking about and promoting the series of big tests next week which will determine our place as a school on the education food chain. I do what I have to do during these times but I find myself increasingly cynical about the whole No Child Left Behind reform movement, especially, it's emphasis on testing. I hate teaching to tests and each year I find myself spending more and more time preparing students for tests. It's taking all the fun and personal satifaction out of teaching, not to mention, creating a lot more stress for educators across the board....and....to add insult to injury....the expectations here in California are absolutely ridiculous, IMHO. Give it another three years and if there aren't any changes I won't be surprised to see the vast majority of schools on some kind of academic probation....anyway.....I'll wrap this up and get out of here before my ramblings on education turn into a monologue between me, myself, and I.

Quick Drive-By: Mammoth

Been pretty busy this week finishing things up at work and getting ready for Easter vacation. Heading up to see my mom in the bay area for the next four days before I head down to L.A. to finish up my vacation. Don't know if I will have excess to a computer for awhile so I thought I would do a quick cyberspace drive-by before I head out of town. Next week is supposed to be another wet and soggy week here in California so I don't expect to get outside much which is a bummer. I prefer to spend my vacation time outdoors but I can't complain too much since most folks don't get any time off at all during the Easter season. Besides, I'll make up for it later. I'ts looking like a banner year here in California with all the rain and snow over the past six weeks with more on the way. Mammoth Mountain, one of my favorite stomping grounds, just recorded they broke their record for most snowfall in one year. They are currently at over 600 inches of snow this year....and.....counting. That's right, over 50 feet of snow!...The ski resort will be open at least until July 4th this year and perhaps as late as the middle of July. I'll probably hang out in California this summer for vacation considering this is such a banner year for percipitation. Can't wait to go to Yosemite as soon as school is out and check out the raging water falls. Well....I better take off before it gets any later. I've got a long drive ahead of me and I do want to get there before too late. ....